Tuesday, November 25, 2008

With gratitude and thanksgiving...


Thanksgiving and Christmas are both my top favorite holidays of the year, as I'm sure they are for most of the general population. But this year, I would prefer we all skip them both. Or at least me. If I could go to sleep and wake up in the new year it would be wonderful. To have something odd like that happen would only confirm how odd I feel inside.

Last Sunday I shared Molly's story in the grief workshop through our church. The topic for this weeks' meeting was on shock. Only five months out and I was the likely candidate to talk on shock as it is something I still experience from time to time. I am in a group of women who have all experienced loss and are together to facilitate this workshop for those who are or have gone through loss. It is very sobering to be a part of this group. There are so many broken hearts and sad stories. Many come with red eyes and kleenex stuffed in various pockets or clutched in tight fists. I gently smile at them knowing the pain they feel, the pain of losing someone we love so dearly. The pain of having to say good-bye, some knowing they were going to, suddenly having to, or not having the chance at all. It's pretty sad and overwhelming and heavy on my heart each week. I am glad we are doing it though. Sometimes going through more pain is better and heals more than ignoring it.

So, on to what I am thankful for.

-I am thankful for rocking chairs. Definitely my favorite chair to sit in because they are so soothing and comforting. Reminds me of home and growing up. Hmmmm. Plus, I just found a whole row of them in the Charlotte airport to choose from while I sipped hot chocolate. :)
-I am thankful for my precious, loving, and supportive husband. You have been absolutely wonderful and a great source of comfort and protection. Thank you for choosing me and loving me so well.
-I am thankful for our sweet, sweet daughter, Molly Ann. That she is alive and well, rejoicing in the presence of her King and Savior.
-I am thankful for my family, both the one I was born into and the one I married into. They have come to our aide countless times throughout this valley and it's powerful and humbling to benefit from their loving gestures.
-I am thankful for Jesus, His death on the cross that has paved the way for me to join Him in Heaven forever, and for His truth and promises. "I life my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip--He who watches over you will not slumber." (Psalm 12:1-3)

Waiting for The Day as patiently as I can...

Monday, November 17, 2008

Trying to hold back the seasons


A friend sent me an email about the changing of the seasons that prompted me to want to write. It has been 5 months since Molly was born and yet it seems like it was just yesterday. The time has gone by almost without me and I wish it would stop. Stop or hurry up, one of the two. I mentioned in our grief group at the hospital that I feel like it's still June here. There are still warm days here and there and the sun continues to shine like on a hot day. But I've put away my summer clothes and gotten out my sweaters and jeans and warm socks in preparation for the cold weather on its way.

I would chose to skip these days, really. I would chose to skip the holidays that are impending and coming like a freight train. I wish to not think about what I am thankful for, yet I am SO thankful for Molly. I wish to skip Christmas this year as if the empty house and empty nursery seem to mock me and all the hustle of the coming holidays. How can I shop for Christmas presents? Should I buy Molly a stocking to hang next to ours on the mantle? Should I buy her something for Christmas and wrap it for under the tree? It seems so silly, but several times I have almost bought her a little dress, some cute socks, or a sweet blanket. At a Gap outlet a few months ago, Jake and I were searching for something when we came across the baby Gap outlet section. Precious outfits and dresses were paired with cute shoes and tiny hats. Something I wouldn't have thought twice about buying for Molly before she died. I wish I could have gone shopping while she was here, to have been able to buy something for my daughter, just for the simple fact that I could buy it because I was a mommy and I had a daughter to dress and take care of. But I can't. I watch as other moms sift through racks and shelves and hold up a cute dress on their 2 year old or grab a few onesies for their infant. I want that. I want the mundane, yet perfectly wonderful times to drag our kids to Target so that I can get them a new pair of shoes. I want to be the mom who comes by our bakery to get a cookie for her 3 year old who's asking the same question over and over again.

Yes, I would chose to skip Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Unfortunately that's not how life works. Life keeps going even when we don't want it to. It is what it is and I have choice about how I respond. Am I sad? Yes. Am I angry? Sometimes. Am I bitter? No. And I don't want to be bitter because all I have to hold onto is the fact that God is still good even when bad things happen. This message has been hitting home more and more lately. Our pastor at church talked about this yesterday. How God says "no" to our prayers and sometimes he says "wait". God knows what is best for us just like my parents knew when I was little and wanted to play in the street or eat chocolate for every meal. I may never see the reason behind why God took Molly so early. For now, I'm ok with that. I'm not sure I want to know why right now anyway.

So the seasons continue to change around me, but where I am it is still June. Where the sun is shining and my daughter is snuggled up, warm against my heart.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Four Months in the arms of Jesus


Today marks the day that Molly went to be with Jesus just 4 months ago. We were up in Breckenridge with three of Jacob's siblings: Michael, Mark, and Kelli. Michael and Mark were unable to be here when Molly was born, so it was nice to have them out and take them by Molly's doorway for a little visit. We took her some flowers from our yard and just spent a little time by her doorway and talked to the boys about her.

"Her doorway?", you ask. Well, let me tell you all about it. I got the idea from my precious mother in love because there was a poem written about graves being a doorway cut in sod to heaven. Well... I am not doing such a hot job explaining things so I'll just let you read the poem yourself.

By: Calvin Miller

"I once scorned ev'vy fearful thought of death,
When it was but the end of pulse and breath,
But now my eyes have seen that past the pain
There is a world that's waiting to be claimed.
Earthmaker, Holy, let me now depart,
For living's such a temporary art
And dying is but getting dressed for God,
Our graves are merely doorways cut in sod."

I love to visit Molly's doorway because it reminds me of where she is and how she feels no pain and no fear. I also enjoy being near her doorway because it is the last place I was close to her physical body, part of her that I carried and nurtured for so long. I think about her physical body, which we knew for so little. Her long, delicate fingers and larger than normal feet. :) She had beautiful dark hair that was silky and smooth. Her precious lips were sweet to kiss and gaze at as she took each breath. The smooth skin all over was wonderful to touch and caress. She certainly had plenty of admirers.

We miss her and while that seems to be an understatement it also falls short of how much we love her and care for her. Words seem so silly when I try to explain the desires of my mommy heart and all the memories I have of our precious daughter. She is loved and missed more than I knew possible.

Molly, precious baby girl, you are His and in that we rest with assurance and peace. So baby let sweet Jesus hold you, till Mom and Dad can hold you.

We love you,
Mommy and Daddy

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Support Group


It went very well. Being back at Children's was healing for us, somewhat. We went back to the 4th floor to drop off some gifts for the nurses and I told Jake as we left the elevator that I felt like I was going to see Molly there. We didn't go past the reception but it still felt very much like we hadn't been gone from her side but an hour or two. None of the nurses were on shift today, which was interesting that we would come on a day that none of them would be there. We left the NICU reception area and Jake told me that it was hard for him to be there. He couldn't quite put his finger on why, but it was difficult and I could see it in his eyes.

The support group was much smaller than I anticipated. Just 2 other couples, one of which was only half there because her husband was out of town. I assumed everyone who came would have lost an infant or young toddler, but in fact, both couples lost their kids in their teens. They split us up in pairs, with other people we didn't know, and had us listen to each other's stories about our kids and then when the group got back together they had us introduce our partner we had just met. It was very interesting to introduce someone else to the group, but very good in a way to be talking about someone else's pain instead of my own. The mom I met with had lost her daughter back in January and the tears were fighting their way to the surface of this sweet mom's eyes as she told me about her sweet girl who battled cerebral palsy her whole life. She told me how strong she used to be and now how lost she feels and without purpose. My heart just ached for her as the pain is still so very fresh. It also told me that I will more than likely be experiencing pain 10 months after our sweet Molly has gone to be with Jesus. I am assured that I will.

Each week will we have homework for the following week. For next week they asked us to bring a picture of our kids so that our kids could be at each group meeting. I thought that was very cool especially since I had had the thought that I would love to be able to meet these other kids who are no longer with their parents who are now grieving. "What a silly thought, of course you can't meet their kids. They're gone. Just like Molly is." But it was cool to think about seeing their kids in pictures and seeing the joy on their faces as they shared them with the group. We are also supposed to bring something that tells the group about our child. A blanket, a stuffed animal, toy, a hobby, or artwork they did. For us, it could be something we thought Molly might have done in her life, like be a ballerina, or love a certain flower, or something we dreamed for her. Jacob wants to bring her ballet shoes or a dress to show that she was his little girl and princess. I thought about bringing her blanket or footprints to show her big feet and talk about how tall she might have been. I haven't decided yet though. I guess we'll see next week.

Jake and I went to dinner just a few miles from the hospital and talked about the evening. It was good to debrief and share our thoughts from the night. I was somewhat distracted by a family sitting across the room from us who had 3 daughters, two of which were crying. I looked over one time to see the mom, face in her hands, sobbing. I have no idea what was wrong, but I could only guess since we were so close to Children's. We ended our dinner with laughter and tears streaming down my face as I tried to catch my breath. Jacob had suggested we play a game with a set of crackers, still in their packaging. It was like, can your cracker beat my cracker? :) So we held our crackers and tried to get the other's cracker without letting our own get smashed to pieces. I was laughing so hard at Jake that I had to put my cracker under the table so he wouldn't take advantage of my weak moment. :) We took a picture to capture the moment.

Thank you for praying for us tonight. It was a good night and something that I know we will greatly benefit from.

Hugs and kisses to our sweet Molly girl... we love you and miss you so much!

Pray for us!

Tonight we go to our very first grief support group back at The Children's Hospital. We are sure that it will be very good for our hearts and souls to process our grief over losing Molly just 3 months ago. We are looking forward to it. I just finished writing the last thank you's to the nurses who took such great care of us and Molly during our week there. Since we are going to the Hospital for the support group I am also going to drop off those thank you's and a small gift for each nurse.

Before work this morning I was putting on my make-up and I forgot about tonight and put on regular mascara. And then when I got home I put on waterproof over that just in case I do lose it. :) I am kind of nervous though. I guess just not knowing if it's going to be really sad to hear all of the other sad stories or if they are going to start off on a lighter note, although I'm not sure what note that would be. Anyway, so pray for us if you get a chance. I will post after it's over and let everyone know how it turned out.

Thanks!!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Happy 3 months Molly Ann!!


3 months must seem like 3 minutes but to us it has seemed like eternity. We just want you to know that although we miss you dearly, we also find it in our hearts to celebrate your being with Jesus. We dream about what it would be like to be there with you and with our King. Do you have parties every month like we imagine? Do you get cupcakes and party hats? Do you get the balloons we send you?

I sit in your room and gaze upon your precious face and all the features that make you so unique and so Molly! I still smile when I think about how long your feet are. I bet they help you run fast through the soft green grass with the light of Christ shining on your beautiful face. And your long gorgeous fingers help you pick the beautiful flowers and feel their soft and silky petals. Your perfect eyes take in the beauty that surrounds you, beauty that we can only fathom and dream about seeing someday soon. Your lungs don't fight for oxygen anymore and neither does your heart race to keep up with the demands of your little, broken body. You are perfect, beautiful, angelic. And your voice sings for Jesus and praises His name all day long. Oh Molly, we are so proud of you, our little girl. You have brought such joy to your daddy and me, more than we thought possible.

We send you sweet hugs and kisses daily. We look forward with eager anticipation to the day we meet up with you in the Heavenly realm! Until the day...

Mommy

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Sudsy First Day

My feet are up and haven't been this tired since I worked at Chick-fil-A back in high school. I guess I've been pretty spoiled to not work until now. The first day was great with lots of hard work doing loads of dishes, making buttercream icing, and decorating key lime pies.

I arrived about 10 minutes before 7 in hopes of starting off right by being early. I was given some paperwork, handed over my ID's to be copied, given a cubby for my personal items to be stored, and an apron. I tied my apron on and they put me straight to work. But before I could get my hands wet with dishes one of the bakers informed me that a friend of mine had stopped by with a little gift for me. Standing up on one of the cake stands was a calendar with all sorts of different cupcakes for each month. Linda, my boss, told me I should find out who came by so I went next door to the coffee shop to find Andressa, a great friend of mine. She had come by to wish me good luck on my first day, order a sticky bun, and have coffee while she did some work on her laptop. So sweet! I was so excited to have someone visit me already on my first day.

I went back to the bakery and they put me to work on some dishes. When one does dishes, you wear blue rubber gloves that go past your elbows and you listen to solid 80's music the whole time. While I'm washing, I get to take a peek over my should at the bakers who do their cake decorating and play with all sorts of icings, filings, and cakes. What a great place to wash dishes!

I take a break around 8:30 and start to make butter cream icing. This is a pretty easy task, although I'll be making almost 90 pounds of it by the time I'm done. I use an industrial size food processor and it does the hard work for me. Next, I do more dishes. The water is scalding hot and my arms are sweaty and wet after 30 minutes. The 80's are still ringing in my ears and the two bakers there play "guess the artist" and I just laugh at them. I laughed a lot.

After a short lunch break at 12, I continue making butter cream icing. I finish and then take on some more dishes. Oh and by the way, I have been ordered by the owners to try everything they sell so that I know how it's supposed to taste and so I can tell the customers what it tastes like too. I get started with my tasting by trying a chocolate macaroon, white cake, a peppermint brownie, and white chocolate whipped cream. All I have to say is: Delish! I better get a gym membership soon or else I'll start putting on the pounds faster than I can say chocolate butter cream.

I finish work around 2:45 and am happy to go home. I just hope I don't crash and take a nap or else I won't sleep well tonite. One thing is for sure: This girl needs a shower!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Tears of others


"The hurt will never go away, but it will get easier," a sweet man spoke through fresh tears after seeing pictures of Molly on my phone. I was at a wedding in Loveland for a friend of mine where I met the parents of a friend of mine on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ. Sitting in the church waiting for the wedding to start, my friend Jessica asks me how I am doing, and listens with a tender heart as I share with her what I tell everyone. It's one day at a time, one foot forward as we continue to grieve and mourn our loss of sweet Molly. She tells me next that she has new perspective for what we are going through because her parents lost their firstborn son, Dillon, three months before he was supposed to be born.

I meet her parents briefly before the wedding starts and then at the reception her mom comes to sit by me and tells me through tears that she would like to hear more about our Molly. She doesn't say a word about her own loss, just listens as I tell her a brief version of Molly's story. And then I show her pictures from my phone and her husband comes over to look as well. They are precious as they look at just a third of Molly's black and white photos. She gives me the phone back and with tears in her eyes tells me that I'll always be Molly's mommy and how beautiful she is. I am so proud! I don't cry, but instead beam with the biggest smile as I relish in sharing her story and her beautiful pictures to another person.

Jessica's dad stays behind me as his wife goes back to her chair across the table from me. For several seconds I don't realize he's still there wiping his eyes and sniffing. I turn around to thank him for his tears and he kneels by my chair and puts his arm around my shoulders. He tells me he's so sorry for our loss. That it will never go away but that it would get easier. His tears tell me that the pain is still there for him, over 28 years later, and that he knows the pain that I feel more than anyone else at our table. His eyes are bright, even through tears, and he smiles and tells me what I already know about a new perspective on life and heaven.

I love seeing the tears of others. It is so beautiful and dear. Tears communicate so much to us. When people feel free to share their tears with us it tells us that they are walking with us and sharing our burden with us, even though they may have never lost a child.

Tears are sweet. They are gentle and loving. And I love to see the tears of others.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Mutz Family Update

Jake and I just returned from Little Rock where we did some recording in Family Life's studio about Molly's story. It was a full day for us in the studio and we are both looking forward to hearing her story shared on the radio whenever it is aired. It looks like it might be aired on her birthday, but we'll post when we know for sure.

A small, yet exciting thing for me is that I start working at a nearby bakery next Tuesday, the 9th. I work 2 days a week, from 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. and I am really looking forward to it. The bakery is called Indulge and it is about 2 miles from our house. The owners are christians and are willing to let me start working 2 days a week as I ease into a new job. They know about Molly and have been very understanding of where I am emotionally and mentally.

The week in Little Rock was good. I went to a Razorback game which was almost entirely disappointing except that I was with my mom and Laura and that made it very fun and enjoyable. The Hogs did win, but just barely. :) While at the game I also got to connect with a good friend from college for just about 15 minutes before the game started. That was very good and difficult all at the same time.

I am starting to see patterns take shape as I talk with people and share our story or talk about how we're doing. Initially I am fine and enjoying the process and time with friends and family. Sometime after or during these moments I find myself overwhelmed by feelings of sadness, jealousy, or anger. More often than not, I am just sad and missing our daughter. But there are moments of anger that surprise me and I end up feeling like a bad person or like I shouldn't feel that way. I am learning that those feelings are ok, part of the process, and good for me to feel. It's better than feeling numb, although there are days when I wish for the numbness to return.

We are home. It's always so good to return home from being gone either overnight or a week. For the month of September I plan on staying home and resting, journalling, and processing in my own way. I am finding that the busyness of life has caused me to forget to grieve and cry and share my pain and feelings. And when that happens it's like trying to keep the lid on a boiling pot of water. Before long it will push the lid up and allow the steam and water to escape and sizzle on the stove or fog up the microwave. What results in me are tears streaming down my face as I watch my nephew knee board and I realize that we won't be able to watch Molly learn how to knee board or water ski along with everything else you do with your kids. I won't be teaching her how to bake cupcakes and decorate them with all sorts of colored icings. Jacob won't be taking her out on dates and interviewing the boys that want to date her or hearing from the young man who wants to marry her. We won't walk her down the aisle to give her away because we've already given her away. She's with Jesus, not with us.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Blessings



We are back home and I am loving it. Jake and I just finished watching Hidalgo and sharing some pieces of Pineapple Upside Down Cake that we made together with the pineapple we brought back from Hawaii. It was delicious. And our time together was even sweeter. I am so in love with my husband! He is such a great friend and supporter of me. He is so fun to be around and every day that passes I am so thankful that we are together.

Having a spouse to walk through difficult times is a blessing. We couldn't make it without our faith in Christ most importantly, but I also could not imagine walking through the loss of Molly without the support and tender love of my best friend. I am so thankful that I do not have to walk this valley alone.

To update: we are back from our trip to Hawaii and will spend the rest of this week at home. On Saturday we will head towards Estes Park to spend a glorious week in the mountains with my family for our annual reunion. Before we get to Estes, we'll stop at Brainard Lake for a picnic lunch with my parents and younger sister, Laura. Then we'll head to the Ranch we'll be staying at. I am looking forward to next week for several reasons. For one, I have volunteered myself as the head chef for the week and am excited about cooking up all sorts of things and serving my family through my passion of cooking. Another reason I am excited about the week is getting to see my family again. The last time I saw them was after Molly died and I am in need of hugs, talks over coffee, and extra shoulders to cry on. Not to say that Jake hasn't done a great job at those things. :)

We're doing well. We have our good days and our hard days and sometimes we have really hard days, the kind where you feel like the world can manage just fine without you there and where Heaven has more appeal than ever before. But we come out of those days with fresh perspective and of course, Hope. We send kisses, love, snuggles, and balloons to our sweet pea, Molly, as often as we get a chance to. We miss her even more than yesterday.

Mommy and Daddy love you Molly Ann Mutz!! You are a beautiful and treasured gift and we are so thankful for you each and every day!! We can't wait to hold you and love on you!!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

The waves are getting bigger

Jake describes our life right now as having waves. There are waves of grief that come and go off and on. Some are big and some are small and short. We never know when the waves will come and we never have any warning but for a few minutes as our hearts start to feel the pain more acutely.

The week after Molly died, we met some friends who lost their first child, a daughter, a few years ago. They told us how hard it was for them and how difficult it was to re-enter life and how it would get harder before it got easier. I didn't like what they were saying because we were so close to having lost Molly that I felt we were unable to relate and I was still feeling waves of joy from having had Molly and spending a week with her. Looking at pictures wasn't hard because I didn't want to forget and I was so proud of our week with her. I didn't want to be depressed about her loss. Yes, I was sad she was gone, but I was so glad that she had gone on to a better place, far better than this earth.

Now it seems things are getting harder. I asked a friend to pick out some pictures for a frame that holds seven 4x6's. She even had to stop after looking through a few stacks of pictures, because it was getting hard for her to look at them. I don't like seeing pictures where Molly was silently crying or upset. The pictures of Jake holding her after she had died are the hardest because I know I wasn't there. I'm angry that I didn't stay as long as he did and hold her more. Why didn't I stay longer? Why did I leave? No one made me leave, I had just decided I was ready to go but I wish I hadn't. I know that wishing doesn't do anything for us, if anything it makes things harder and more difficult to bear. You know, if I had not had the need for sleep or eating or going to the bathroom I would have stayed by her bedside the entire time. I would have seen her more, taken more pictures, kissed her sweet skin, and held her little hands. I would have been able to calm her down when the nurses changed her bedding or rolled her onto her side. I would have asked to hold her more even if it meant my back would hurt from that chair we had to sit in.

I am angry. Angry at how different and empty my life now feels. I am angry that others are moving on with their lives, having healthy babies, waking up at odd hours to calm their crying babies and feed them, or just back in the swing of life as it was for them. I told Jake that while a lot of people still think of us, think of Molly, and pray fervently, no one has the physical reminder that we do that she's gone. No one else has a decorated nursery with an empty crib and diapers, wipes, and bottles that aren't being used. Yes, people are sad and still grieve with us. For us it's continually throughout each and every day that we are reminded of our loss. And that makes me angry. I miss our old life, our old normal. Well, we don't get to go back to the old normal anymore.

Life is forever changed. Different. Scary, as the waves are getting bigger and bigger.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Thoughts

You know, while I would never choose this circumstance I am so thankful for the work God has been doing and will do in both of us through this. And, I am continually blown away by how God has used my little girl in so many lives even now after she's gone. God has chosen our daughter to know Him and be with Him and be a light to so many people and I am honored that He would choose her for such incredible purposes. I am sure that most parents pray and hope that their children grow up to bring such honor to God and I didn't even get a chance to pray that. But it didn't matter if I prayed that or not because look at how she's touched so many lives.

I hope my heart never grows a bitter root towards the Lord. That is my prayer and hope for both of us. That we would continually allow God to shape our hearts to be more like His. I hope to never be the same because of Molly. I just want to tell so many people about her. I want the people at the grocery store to ask me about her, my neighbors, and the plumber who came to fix our faucet today. And then I have realized that with how much I want to tell others about Molly, it's pretty sad that I am not as equally motivated (or more) to tell others about Jesus. Thankfully, I can tell others about Molly and Jesus at the same time. It is interesting though that I am not as excited to tell people about Jesus and how he died so that we could spend eternity with Him.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Today was good...

What did we do today? Well, we slept in till 10 which was so nice. I think our bodies are finally catching up on the sleep we missed out on during Molly's week. We went to our favorite bagel shop up the road, Big Daddy Bagels, and got some breakfast/lunch. Then instead of going back home we drove to a nearby park and hung out under a giant tree for over an hour. We just sat there and talked together. We watched little kids playing on the playground and families coming and going with lunch or fishing poles. It was a beautiful day to be outside! We left and came home only to sit in the basement and watch an old episode of CSI and then Jake played Zelda on the Super Nintendo. I still can't figure out why he likes to play it so many times when he's beat the game already. It seems pointless to me. :)

I talked to my mom for awhile about the summer and possibly cooking for our family get together in August. And we talked about having some neat thank you cards made with Molly's picture on it as a reminder to pray for us and as a neat way to show off our daughter. It was fun to talk to her and Jake even got on another extension so he could be in on what we were talking about. We blew up a purple balloon and wrote to our little girl on it before releasing it to the beautiful blue sky. Then we went to Baskin Robbins and had an ice cream date. We talked about random things and ate our ice cream while we sat on the curb and enjoyed the sunshine. We went to the grocery store together and bought a few random things and then we went back home again. Then around 8 we went to Eric and Lara Veve's house and I sat in the kitchen with Lara while Jake played with the kids. We just got home from their house and it's midnight.

Tomorrow I'm going to the cemetery to pick out Molly's gravestone marker. I am honestly looking forward to it. It'll be a neat marker and I am excited to have it done so that all who visit her grave know who she is and the God we serve and love. And going to pick out her marker will also give me a chance to visit her grave and say hi. And then tomorrow night we're going to a Rockies Baseball game with a couple we met through our small group at church.

I'm ready to go to bed. This staying up late thing is for the birds. My new assignment is to get Jake in bed sooner because last night he was up till 3:30 and then a few nights ago he was up till past 5 a.m.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Miss Molly Ann


"All my days were written in your book and planned before a single one of them began." Psalm 139:16b

Jacob read to me from his devotions this morning from Psalm 139 which I have always loved. This chapter has taken on new meaning for me since Molly entered into our lives. It goes without saying that God knew all 7 of Molly's days before even one of them came to be. He knew that she would light up this world in such a significant way and in such a short amount of time.

Oh Molly, even though I have complete assurance that you are with Jesus I sometimes find myself asking the question, "Where did you go?" In that question I think I ask it because you were only here for such a short amount of time. It went by so fast and I find myself thinking about my favorite moments with you: stroking your silky hair, kissing your soft sweet cheeks, looking into your dark eyes, talking to you while you sleep, and holding your little hand in mine. I love to look at the picture in your nursery of me and you. Your sweet little body snuggled up close to mine while your head lay against my chest. You were lulled to sleep by the familiar beating of my heart, something you knew for so long. I so wish you were back in my tummy sweet girl!! I loved being pregnant with you! It was such a delightful experience and I will cherish it always.

Your daddy bought a small helium tank so that we could send you a balloon each day. Last night we sent you one for your 2 week birthday, it was pink and we wrote you a note on it before letting it drift high into the night sky. This morning we stopped by an open space in front of the Flatirons and sent you three balloons: pink, yellow, and purple. I wrote you a note on the pink one, daddy wrote to you on the purple one, and then I wrote all your nicknames on the yellow one. We kissed each balloon and told you we loved you. They were all tied together and we watched them soar high into the sky and into the clouds. We watched them for awhile and then we went to our favorite donut shop and had yummy donuts and listened to two old men talk loudly about who knows what. (we could only catch a line or two and it didn't really make sense to us what they were talking about, but we laughed anyway) :)

We love our little Molly girl. What a delight, treasure, and joy! We are so thankful for the 7 days we had with you and know that we are only separated by our time left on earth. We can't wait to see you again! Oh may it come soon!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Missing Molly

As many of you know, we have just walked through the toughest week of our lives. It has been an emotional roller coaster. From having contractions on the 12th, to giving birth in the early morning hours of the 13th, to hearing "It's a girl!" and being so excited, to not hearing her cries and trying not to worry, to seeing the doctors and nurses work on her little body to see what was wrong, to not hold her like I should have been soon after birth, to finding out she's in the NICU for a heart murmur, then having her be taken to Children's, to hearing the worst news a parent ever has to hear "she has irreversible brain damage", to having to make the hardest decision of our lives, to seeing her beautiful eyes, kissing her sweet skin, touching her little ears, holding her hands, and whispering in her ear, to holding her tight to our chests, to letting her go be with Jesus, and then holding her little body one last time before saying farewell.

I am so tired. My heart is heavy and yet light at the same time. I am sad and missing our sweet Molly so much and I am delighted she is with Jesus, singing and dancing with no pain, no tears, and no sorrow. As my sister in law Stephanie wrote in her journal, the King has called Molly to his palace and we wait until we are called to be with Him and with her.

Sweet Molly Ann, we miss you so much! I find comfort in that you will never again have to experience the pain of this earth. You'll never be rejected, chosen last for a game at school, not asked for a slumber party, ignored at a school dance, made fun of, or struggle with things like beauty, wanting to get married, or wanting to have babies and not be able to, or have a child and then have to make a choice like we did to give her up to the Lord. You know Heaven like we all wish to know. You are there, hopefully watching us and excited for the day we will hold you once again.

We love you so much and cannot wait till the King calls us Home!

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Still waiting






Well, the due date has come and gone and no baby. We are a little disappointed, to say the least. It's been interesting how we had nothing planned after the 5th. It's like we have no life and the only thing we look forward to is this baby coming. I'm trying to enjoy the days we have left, not knowing how many we have, but it's still hard to wait. Especially when people are calling or emailing or asking you in the grocery store "when are you due?". And I know that people are just so excited to find out what we'll have and all that, it just makes it harder to wait when everyone else is on the edge of their seats and they aren't the ones pregnant! :)

I do know this, we will have a baby on or sometime shortly after the 17th of June. That's when my date to be induced is. We are scheduled for 12:00 p.m. on that day to go in and be induced. I really hope that we don't make it till then. Truly, I want to go into labor on my own without having to do the drugs bit and all that. But I guess we'll just have to see. That's a week from Tuesday and we could still be pregnant by the 17th. But at least we have an end in sight.

The nursery is ready and I tried to post pictures with my last post but they would not post. I have a hard time with pictures on this thing but I promise to work harder once we have a baby to show off. Maybe I can post some tonite. If not then just be patient or email me and I can send pictures that way.

Well.. until we have news to share, this is my last blog before I become a mommy!!

Monday, May 26, 2008

Ready for baby...

Well, needless to say, I am ready for this baby to arrive. I have 10 days left till my due date but I am ready now! :) I definitely go back and forth. For the most part I am ready to meet this little one who I've bonded with for 9 months now, but then on the other hand I am wanting to just enjoy what we have that we'll not have for a long time to come. I'm sure other moms can understand. Jake thinks I should drink castro oil or eat lots of pinneapple so we can meet the baby! I told him I'm not drinking motor oil so we can have this baby!! Plus, the side effects of castro oil sound awful! Headaches, vomiting, dehydration, and not to mention possible problems with the baby!! No thank you mister!!

The nursery is ready. I've done all I can do to it and now I just need to wait for the little squirt to get here. That's what my doctor calls our baby, "squirt". It's pretty cute. I do need a lampshade for the lamp next to my glider but that's about it. And I think I have a few in the basement so that's pretty easy to fix.

I've packed and repacked my little hospital bag. I have little outfits for the baby to come home in depending on the sex. :) Oh and I learned how to knit little hats for the baby. Ashley taught me and she even made me a blue one. I made a pink one and it was big enough to fit her 1 year olds' head. :) A little too big for an infant so I decided to make a few more. I made a white one that is much better than the first one and then I just finished another pink hat last night that's even better than the white one. So I think I am getting the hang of it. And then last night, my friend Andressa taught me how to knit little flowers to sew onto the top of the hats or anywhere really. I was so excited because mom and I had seen a cute little hat with little flowers on top but they were crocheted and I don't know how to crochet, only knit. So this was fun to learn a new thing with knitting. So I made a white flower to put on the pink hat and it looks pretty darn cute!

Last week I saw the nurser practitioner instead of my doctor because of a blasted mix up with appointments and the receptionist. So, I saw her and she checked me out and told me I am 50% effaced and under a centimeter dilated. So we've got some action!! Which is awesome! I hope to prove my doctor wrong and have this baby early. :) He keeps telling me that most first time mama's have their babies after their due date, not early. We'll see.

Anyway, just wanted to update everyone on things. Thankfully, Jake is home and not going anywhere for awhile. He was just in FL for his brother's wedding and it was pretty hard having him gone for so long and with me being so near my due date. But I made it just fine and the baby didn't go anywhere and probably didn't even know he was gone! :)

Hopefully we'll have some great news next time we post!!

Friday, April 11, 2008







Last weekend I made the wedding cake for my friend's wedding! I cannot believe how well it turned out and I got lots of compliments not just on the looks but also on the taste of the cake! It was a red velvet cake with cream cheese icing! It was so much fun to make. My friend Morgan came over on Thursday before the wedding and she brought her HD Kitchenaid mixer to help me with the load of batter and icing. Wow, we learned a lot about cakes! Thankfully everything worked out just fine. Jacob helped me deliver the cake to the reception hall and set it up. And we made it just in time for the wedding!

It was so much fun! The bride even told me she had had a few people ask for my name and number. Who knows where this will take me! :)

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Here we are!

The past few weeks have been a little busy for us. The last 11 days of Feb. we went to Maui and Kauai to celebrate having a baby. It was one of the best trips we have taken together! So beautiful, great weather, wonderful things to see and do, and of course I got to do it all with my best friend! We had a great time!

After that we hopped on another plane and hit up West Yellowstone with some friends who live in Montana, the Copeland's. Jake did some snowmobiling and then we all took a tour of Yellowstone in a SnowCoach. That's basically a vehicle on snowmobile tracks. It was gorgeous and so cool to see Yellowstone all covered in snow. We saw bison, ducks, beautiful white trumpeter swans, coyote footprints, and some elk. We even saw a few animals who weren't so lucky and had been snatched up by a coyote and other parasites.

I am enjoying being pregnant. Jacob just asked me this morning what my favorite thing was about being pregnant. I said it was feeling the baby move. Then he asked what my second favorite thing was and I said that I loved having a belly and showing it off to people. So very fun. I'm working on finding a crib and changing table for the nursery. It's a pretty big job because we want to use this crib for all of our kids. Oh and the other funny thing I have enjoyed lately is that my belly button is popping out. It's not a full on outie, but it's halfway and pretty funny to see poking through my shirts.

I'm pretty excited about tomorrow. I fly to Little Rock in the morning and get to spend a week with my mom and dad. I can't wait. I will also see Laura, Ashley, my grandma, hopefully Deborah and her baby Norah, my great friend Christy, and maybe some other friends if time allows. It's going to be my last trip before the baby gets here. And I am thrilled about going and seeing everyone. So much fun is going to be had!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Maui is Magnificent!

Jacob and I are in Maui for the next several days and then we will travel to Kuaui for another several days. This is meant to be a "final" trip without kiddos. We are LOVING it here in Maui. Today we spent our morning on the beach, doing our devotions, and then driving around some very cool lava rock fields. We found a great snorkeling spot and decided we would visit it later in the week and then headed back to check out of our room. From there we headed to a nearby Wal-Mart to stock up on water, granola bars, sunscreen, and beach towels. Then we began our trip to Hana. The road to Hana was quite long and winding, but beautiful and well worth it! We saw some sparkling waterfalls, beautiful landscapes, and of course the coastline.

Tonight we are staying in Hana at a super fun and very unique place. We are staying in a Yurt. It's a circular one room hut type deal that is 16 feet in diameter complete with a bed, table and chairs, and little kitchen with all the utensils we need for our gourmet dinner of Ahi tuna, salmon, and green beans. :)