Monday, October 19, 2009

What would have been

The past few weeks I have quietly reflected on the coming day, October 19th. It has always been in the back of my mind and something I have thought of often. I do not feel overly anxious as I have anticipated this day, just reflective and thoughtful.

Today would have been Micah's due date.

Had he been anything like his older sister, we would probably be waiting another week to meet his little self. I wish it were only going to be a week to meet him.

We will have to wait till Heaven to meet him and also get to know Molly better. It just stinks that we can't be with our kids right now. It hurts my heart as I think of them, miss them terribly, and ponder what they are up to in the Heavenly realms.

The past few weeks have been extra difficult for me in this area. I have really missed them both and am grieving them more and more. I feel as if their losses just happened a day or two ago. I journal-ed a week ago and meant to post it but I guess now will be better than never.


"I really miss our kids today. I always miss them but today, and the past few days, I have felt that ache in my heart as if I had just lost them. It feels like just yesterday that I held Molly in my arms and kissed her soft skin. I re-live the moments of delivering Micah as fresh as when they happened, his perfect body lying still in my open hands.

As we approach Micah’s due date and our own 14 week mark with the twins, I am aware of my troubled heart that aches to be with my kids. I truly feel pain in my heart and soul as I think of them today and how we were not meant to be separated. We should be together. They should be here with us, learning new things and celebrating important milestones. But they are not. And they won’t be ever again.

Death is so final. So loud as it comes crashing down upon our dreams and hopes. I am struck with how final death is as I think about it. I know that it is not the end, not at all. There is no victory in death, for Christ swallowed up death and sin when he died on the cross for us all. He made a way for us to spend eternity together. He gives me a gift in the price he paid. He gives me the great gift of spending forever and ever with Him and with our kids in Heaven. What more do I need?

I sold a few of our books and audio cd’s of the broadcast of Molly’s life to some women at a bible study that I go to. After selling the cd’s I realized that I had only listened to those broadcasts once, the week they aired during Molly’s b’day week. I long to be near Molly again, to remember her and imprint her life more deeply into mine. I want to listen to the broadcasts and look at some of her pictures. And of course, have a good cry."

I think I have been more anxious lately but on a subconscious level rather than actively feeling anxious and worrisome. I am 14 weeks with the twins and that is when Micah died in my womb, and that scares me. What if we are asked to surrender yet another baby or two? I ache for the moment when we can hold our babies in our arms and know, that for the time, they are safe and well. What we also know in that moment is that they are never safe, never promised a long life with us, just the moments God does give us. That has been one of the biggest lessons I have learned in Molly and Micah's death. Being pregnant definitely helps as we approach and pass Micah's due date and other important dates, but I am still so sad and still grieve for my kids. I struggle with being fearful of the lives of these two that I now carry. Being pregnant with two does not replace the two we've already lost. It does not make up for lost time or lost lives.

There are no guarantees. I am not free of future death now that I've lost two kids. I was never promised that these babies would make it to term or that we would bring them home. I am only given the days which God has already ordained for them before the beginning of time and I have to trust what He gives and what He takes.

Pray for us, and me especially, as I carry these babies and lean on Him each and every day. Pray that I am not overcome with worry or fear and that I am able to enjoy this pregnancy for as long as we are given these babies.

Thank you all. Words cannot describe how grateful we are for the prayers and kind words.

May the Lord bless you as you have blessed us.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Dr. appt # 5

I have seen my doctor a lot these days. And the staff at the office already know who I am when I come in each time. It's really nice.

I saw my OB on Wednesday and we got to hear the babies hearts thumping away. In my mind, it took him awhile to find baby B and hear the heartbeat. To Jake and his newspaper, it took no time at all. :)

Baby A is around 155 bpm. Baby B is around 150 bpm. I checked my past pregnancy journals with both Molly and Micah and saw that both of their hearts were in the 155 range at this same point in the pregnancy. That was really neat to see.

Next appointment, on my birthday, October 28th, will be another ultrasound. That will be fun to have on my birthday! I will be 15 weeks then.

I cannot say enough to those of you who pray for us so fervently. Truly, I am just humbled beyond words.

Thank you so much.

Monday, October 12, 2009

It feels like Christmas

"Why Christmas?" one might ask.

Well, maybe because we got about an inch or more of snow on Saturday. Or maybe because the weather has been in the high 20's. Or maybe it's because I've dug out all my winter maternity wear, coats, and scarves. And my all-time fave: the Christmas decor, tinsel, and ornaments ALREADY on the shelves in stores. Jacob laughs at me each year when I refuse to think Christmas until AFTER Thanksgiving.

It's ridiculous folks. As my friend Sheri Rizner would say, "Seriously? Seriously."

I drove home from bible study this morning singing Christmas songs in my head and thinking about how I need to get my Christmas shopping done and write our Christmas letter. As if it were early December rather than early October. At Costco yesterday it looked like the Christmas rush, there were people everywhere buying all sorts of huge items, like drum sets. I felt like I needed to buy something large also, thankfully I did not.

I am really sad about this weather we're having. As I said before in one of my posts, fall is one of my favorite seasons and it really did get skipped this year. The trees have all lost their pretty colors and even some have turned black or brown from the bitter, freezing temperatures at night.

Anyway, I just had to write about this. I do love the snow and it is really pretty to look at, but not in the first week of October.

Seriously? Seriously.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Already October

I just can't believe it's already the 2nd of October. September went by incredibly fast for us! Here in Colorado, fall has already started and will soon be over. It must be one of the shortest seasons here, unfortunately, as it is my favorite!! In light of how short it is, I am choosing to enjoy it as much as I can!!

We spent last weekend camping at our new favorite spot by a creek near Frasier. It is so pretty and quiet. We have enjoyed camping there twice in the last month and both times were so much fun. We nearly froze our tails off at night but it always warmed up in the morning. And the stars at night were spectacular. I felt so small looking at the millions upon millions of them. An incredible display of God's wonder and glory!

We saw our doctor again yesterday for another check up. He seems to be breathing easier now that we're 11 weeks and doing so well. It was a fast appointment and I did get to hear Bob's heart beat, but not Astrid's. He said that Baby A was probably still too low in my pelvis to hear. That made me a littler nervous, but not much since he didn't seem concerned. We talked a little more about different tests I can have done in the coming weeks, when I come back to see him again, and when he'll do the next ultrasound around 18-20 weeks. He asked me if I was ok not having an ultrasound for today and I said I was ok but had been worried and feeling nervous again a few days before. As I was still explaining how I was feeling, he stepped out of the room and peaked around the corner, then motioned me to follow him. "It's totally normal to be concerned and nervous. You're here now so let's just go in and look." So we got to see our babies again!! So much fun!! I feel so spoiled by my doctor's office, but I am not complaining! I'll take any and every chance to look inside my womb at our little miracles growing and thriving.

The only sad part about this ultrasound was that Jacob wasn't there for it. He was on his way but hadn't made it in time. He assumed I would be called in well after my appointed time and so he thought he would get some more work done before he came to sit with me. I totally understood how we can wait sometimes for the doctor. Well, this time was totally different. I had only sat down for a minute before I was called in and then only sat in the exam room for maybe 2 minutes before the doctor joined me. Very uncharacteristic of typical appointments, but again, I am not complaining!!

It was a quick ultrasound. The screen came on and our two little munchkins came into view. I was so amazed at how big they were already and how they were moving around so much. I wanted to stop time or record the whole thing, it was that cool. One of them was waving their little arm back and forth as if to say "Hi Mom!!". Both of them did little jumps in their sacks, bopping around and moving. I was so encouraged to see them doing so well. They just amaze me every time I get to see them!! I wish our scanner worked so that I could share all of the pictures, but for now this one will have to do. I took a picture of it with my phone, the only thing I could think of to do to share the images.

This is one of them, not sure which though. My OB moved the scanner around so fast and I was so in awe that I didn't pay attention to who we were looking at. :) But they pretty much look the same. Both were healthy and moving around a lot which was fun to see. I made two appointments: one to go back in two weeks, in case I am nervous or feel the need for it, and then one for 4 weeks. I can do both appointments or just do one of them. I am really grateful for the staff at The Boulder Medical Center. They have become so dear to me as we continue on in this fun new journey! I cannot thank them enough!

I still just can't believe I am pregnant with twins! It really is incredible! I am so excited as time goes on and the babies get bigger and bigger. I am so happy that they are healthy and well.

Thank you all so much for your prayers for us as we wait upon the Lord for these two wonderful little lives! We are humbled and grateful beyond our imagination!