Monday, October 19, 2009

What would have been

The past few weeks I have quietly reflected on the coming day, October 19th. It has always been in the back of my mind and something I have thought of often. I do not feel overly anxious as I have anticipated this day, just reflective and thoughtful.

Today would have been Micah's due date.

Had he been anything like his older sister, we would probably be waiting another week to meet his little self. I wish it were only going to be a week to meet him.

We will have to wait till Heaven to meet him and also get to know Molly better. It just stinks that we can't be with our kids right now. It hurts my heart as I think of them, miss them terribly, and ponder what they are up to in the Heavenly realms.

The past few weeks have been extra difficult for me in this area. I have really missed them both and am grieving them more and more. I feel as if their losses just happened a day or two ago. I journal-ed a week ago and meant to post it but I guess now will be better than never.


10.12.09

"I really miss our kids today. I always miss them but today, and the past few days, I have felt that ache in my heart as if I had just lost them. It feels like just yesterday that I held Molly in my arms and kissed her soft skin. I re-live the moments of delivering Micah as fresh as when they happened, his perfect body lying still in my open hands.

As we approach Micah’s due date and our own 14 week mark with the twins, I am aware of my troubled heart that aches to be with my kids. I truly feel pain in my heart and soul as I think of them today and how we were not meant to be separated. We should be together. They should be here with us, learning new things and celebrating important milestones. But they are not. And they won’t be ever again.

Death is so final. So loud as it comes crashing down upon our dreams and hopes. I am struck with how final death is as I think about it. I know that it is not the end, not at all. There is no victory in death, for Christ swallowed up death and sin when he died on the cross for us all. He made a way for us to spend eternity together. He gives me a gift in the price he paid. He gives me the great gift of spending forever and ever with Him and with our kids in Heaven. What more do I need?

I sold a few of our books and audio cd’s of the broadcast of Molly’s life to some women at a bible study that I go to. After selling the cd’s I realized that I had only listened to those broadcasts once, the week they aired during Molly’s b’day week. I long to be near Molly again, to remember her and imprint her life more deeply into mine. I want to listen to the broadcasts and look at some of her pictures. And of course, have a good cry."


I think I have been more anxious lately but on a subconscious level rather than actively feeling anxious and worrisome. I am 14 weeks with the twins and that is when Micah died in my womb, and that scares me. What if we are asked to surrender yet another baby or two? I ache for the moment when we can hold our babies in our arms and know, that for the time, they are safe and well. What we also know in that moment is that they are never safe, never promised a long life with us, just the moments God does give us. That has been one of the biggest lessons I have learned in Molly and Micah's death. Being pregnant definitely helps as we approach and pass Micah's due date and other important dates, but I am still so sad and still grieve for my kids. I struggle with being fearful of the lives of these two that I now carry. Being pregnant with two does not replace the two we've already lost. It does not make up for lost time or lost lives.


There are no guarantees. I am not free of future death now that I've lost two kids. I was never promised that these babies would make it to term or that we would bring them home. I am only given the days which God has already ordained for them before the beginning of time and I have to trust what He gives and what He takes.


Pray for us, and me especially, as I carry these babies and lean on Him each and every day. Pray that I am not overcome with worry or fear and that I am able to enjoy this pregnancy for as long as we are given these babies.


Thank you all. Words cannot describe how grateful we are for the prayers and kind words.


May the Lord bless you as you have blessed us.


16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Praying for you often Rebecca. I feel your pain deeply. I've had 2 miscarriages and have a special needs child that fights to live almost daily. She can't communicate her pain to us and it hurts me deeply to see her struggle but I am so thankful for each day we have with her. God has given us strength and has been there holding us through it all. God bless you.

Linds said...

Becca, reading this post literally makes me nauseous for you. Drew and I think of you (and several others who are walking the same path right now) often, and lift you up in prayer. May His peace wrap around you!

M. Serna said...

Been praying these very things for you Rebecca these past few days. For instance, just two days ago while in the grocery store parking lot I sat in my car and prayed for a couple minutes against fear & worry concerning the twins. Praying that God's powerful peace, which surpasses our human understanding, will soothe and calm your very real and justified fears. Will continue to pray during this milestone week for you.

Barb said...

Rebecca, I've been praying for you all since Molly's weeklong program aired on your dad's show, and especially since you all are carrying those wonderful twins. You are right, our children can never replace one another, they are all completely unique. Just know there are many praying for you all right now.

thepipers said...

Thanks for posting about how you're really doing, Rebecca. I understand that some of our suffering is meant to be done privately, but there is some that can be borne by the Body. I think of you often—rejoice with you, worry with you, beg God for you.

Shawna said...

I love you sweet friend and continue to pray for you! Thanks for sharing your heart and how we can specifically pray!

Mary said...

I will continue to pray for you and your sweet babies!!! Thank you for sharing your story - you are an encouragement to me - it's beautiful to see your faith lived out!

Tiffany said...

Rebecca, I'm praying for you! You and I m/c our babies about the same time, and I am also expecting another baby. I have such mixed feelings some days! I'm so happy to be 17 weeks, and all seems to be well. But I still cry as I think about the Nov. due date for our little one in heaven. Somehow by reading your blog, it often opens the door for me to grieve again... when everyone thinks I should be fine now. It's a blessing! I'm thinking of you and your family alot. God bless you!

Jenni said...

Becca, Todd and I pray for you and Jake often- we will continue to do so... thank you for sharing such heartfelt words.

Anonymous said...

I so hear you and feel your pain. Today has been a very sad day for me as well :)
missing our babes!
love you, ali

Anonymous said...

Rebecca, there are no coincidences, just our Lord's blessings. TWINS! The Lord must have a reason he took Micah and Molly home so soon and one day we'll all understand why things on earth happen as they do.
Our Lord sends showers of blessings
to those who love Him.
TWINS!!!!!
God bless you and your family, our Bible Study ladies are praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of & praying for you! Thank you for being so open, so transparent with your feelings, as none of us can truly understand what you are feeling, we can only sympathize with you loss. What a enormous loss & empty feeling you have. We are praying for your continued strength & protections for your new babies. Nothing can fill the void of losing Molly & Micha. We love you & look forward to wonderful times ahead for you & your family.

Jenn said...

Hi Rebecca, I have been following your blog since this summer, and I am so encouraged and blessed by your faith. I am so happy for your good news and am praying for you during this time. Praise God for you and your babies...

Kristin Smith said...

Praying for continued peace and grace for you and Jake. And praying for little Astrid and Little Bob. Bless you all!

Anonymous said...

Rebecca, I continue to pray for you often and your precious little twins. You are so gifted at sharing your thoughts, emotions and experiences. Thank you for being real and sharing your heart as it ministers to so many of us. I loved that you mentioned that Molly and Micah can never be replaced. It's so true. After my second m/c, my dr said that same thing to me and I'm grateful to her for that. Then she said about her own losses, "However, had I not lost those babies, I would never have had the opportunity to conceive and raise the children I do have and I wouldn't trade them for the world." I hadn't thought of that before but it has been true in our lives as well. They are all precious gifts on loan to us and we'll not understand His ways on this side of heaven. May He comfort you and give you peace in those moments of fear and concern.
Blessings to you and Jake ~ Cindy M

Christina said...

I feel like an old friend. I read your book and listened to a copy of the broadcast that a friend sent me. We don't have a radio in our house, or I would have listened to it when it aired. We lost a baby at 15 weeks last year on Easter. We were celebrating my DH's birthday when my world fell apart. I had had some late spotting with my previous pregnancy, and I assumed that this one would carry on just the same. I have always delivered my babies at home or in a birthing center, but never this early. Suddenly my water broke, and blood went streaming down my legs. My heart sank and I began wailing. My other kids were scared, and my husband sent them upstairs to their rooms. I had high hopes of getting through this without any intervention, but God had other plans. As my dear little baby slipped from my grasp into eternity, the bleeding would not slow. I sat on the couch and looked down to find I was sitting in a pool of blood. We went to the ER, and after four liters of fluid, two shots of pitocin, two shots of methergine, and four and a half hours later, I was stable. I was able to go home at dawn. We were back at the hospital three days later with a clot. I felt as though I would never be allowed to just grieve the loss of our little Abishai, which means gift of the Father.
I am so happy to see that you are again being blessed, and this time with twins. We prayed for twins, but God has other plans for us. :o) We have a little girl due to make her appearance the week before Easter. Thank you for your testimony of God's strength in the time of difficulty.