What would have been

The past few weeks I have quietly reflected on the coming day, October 19th. It has always been in the back of my mind and something I have thought of often. I do not feel overly anxious as I have anticipated this day, just reflective and thoughtful.

Today would have been Micah's due date.

Had he been anything like his older sister, we would probably be waiting another week to meet his little self. I wish it were only going to be a week to meet him.

We will have to wait till Heaven to meet him and also get to know Molly better. It just stinks that we can't be with our kids right now. It hurts my heart as I think of them, miss them terribly, and ponder what they are up to in the Heavenly realms.

The past few weeks have been extra difficult for me in this area. I have really missed them both and am grieving them more and more. I feel as if their losses just happened a day or two ago. I journal-ed a week ago and meant to post it but I guess now will be better than never.

10.12.09

"I really miss our kids today. I always miss them but today, and the past few days, I have felt that ache in my heart as if I had just lost them. It feels like just yesterday that I held Molly in my arms and kissed her soft skin. I re-live the moments of delivering Micah as fresh as when they happened, his perfect body lying still in my open hands.

As we approach Micah’s due date and our own 14 week mark with the twins, I am aware of my troubled heart that aches to be with my kids. I truly feel pain in my heart and soul as I think of them today and how we were not meant to be separated. We should be together. They should be here with us, learning new things and celebrating important milestones. But they are not. And they won’t be ever again.

Death is so final. So loud as it comes crashing down upon our dreams and hopes. I am struck with how final death is as I think about it. I know that it is not the end, not at all. There is no victory in death, for Christ swallowed up death and sin when he died on the cross for us all. He made a way for us to spend eternity together. He gives me a gift in the price he paid. He gives me the great gift of spending forever and ever with Him and with our kids in Heaven. What more do I need?

I sold a few of our books and audio cd’s of the broadcast of Molly’s life to some women at a bible study that I go to. After selling the cd’s I realized that I had only listened to those broadcasts once, the week they aired during Molly’s b’day week. I long to be near Molly again, to remember her and imprint her life more deeply into mine. I want to listen to the broadcasts and look at some of her pictures. And of course, have a good cry."

I think I have been more anxious lately but on a subconscious level rather than actively feeling anxious and worrisome. I am 14 weeks with the twins and that is when Micah died in my womb, and that scares me. What if we are asked to surrender yet another baby or two? I ache for the moment when we can hold our babies in our arms and know, that for the time, they are safe and well. What we also know in that moment is that they are never safe, never promised a long life with us, just the moments God does give us. That has been one of the biggest lessons I have learned in Molly and Micah's death. Being pregnant definitely helps as we approach and pass Micah's due date and other important dates, but I am still so sad and still grieve for my kids. I struggle with being fearful of the lives of these two that I now carry. Being pregnant with two does not replace the two we've already lost. It does not make up for lost time or lost lives.

There are no guarantees. I am not free of future death now that I've lost two kids. I was never promised that these babies would make it to term or that we would bring them home. I am only given the days which God has already ordained for them before the beginning of time and I have to trust what He gives and what He takes.

Pray for us, and me especially, as I carry these babies and lean on Him each and every day. Pray that I am not overcome with worry or fear and that I am able to enjoy this pregnancy for as long as we are given these babies.

Thank you all. Words cannot describe how grateful we are for the prayers and kind words.

May the Lord bless you as you have blessed us.