Thursday, September 4, 2008

Mutz Family Update

Jake and I just returned from Little Rock where we did some recording in Family Life's studio about Molly's story. It was a full day for us in the studio and we are both looking forward to hearing her story shared on the radio whenever it is aired. It looks like it might be aired on her birthday, but we'll post when we know for sure.

A small, yet exciting thing for me is that I start working at a nearby bakery next Tuesday, the 9th. I work 2 days a week, from 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. and I am really looking forward to it. The bakery is called Indulge and it is about 2 miles from our house. The owners are christians and are willing to let me start working 2 days a week as I ease into a new job. They know about Molly and have been very understanding of where I am emotionally and mentally.

The week in Little Rock was good. I went to a Razorback game which was almost entirely disappointing except that I was with my mom and Laura and that made it very fun and enjoyable. The Hogs did win, but just barely. :) While at the game I also got to connect with a good friend from college for just about 15 minutes before the game started. That was very good and difficult all at the same time.

I am starting to see patterns take shape as I talk with people and share our story or talk about how we're doing. Initially I am fine and enjoying the process and time with friends and family. Sometime after or during these moments I find myself overwhelmed by feelings of sadness, jealousy, or anger. More often than not, I am just sad and missing our daughter. But there are moments of anger that surprise me and I end up feeling like a bad person or like I shouldn't feel that way. I am learning that those feelings are ok, part of the process, and good for me to feel. It's better than feeling numb, although there are days when I wish for the numbness to return.

We are home. It's always so good to return home from being gone either overnight or a week. For the month of September I plan on staying home and resting, journalling, and processing in my own way. I am finding that the busyness of life has caused me to forget to grieve and cry and share my pain and feelings. And when that happens it's like trying to keep the lid on a boiling pot of water. Before long it will push the lid up and allow the steam and water to escape and sizzle on the stove or fog up the microwave. What results in me are tears streaming down my face as I watch my nephew knee board and I realize that we won't be able to watch Molly learn how to knee board or water ski along with everything else you do with your kids. I won't be teaching her how to bake cupcakes and decorate them with all sorts of colored icings. Jacob won't be taking her out on dates and interviewing the boys that want to date her or hearing from the young man who wants to marry her. We won't walk her down the aisle to give her away because we've already given her away. She's with Jesus, not with us.

2 comments:

Shawna said...

Hello my dear! Thank you for the time we spent together here in Little Rock. It was fun to just hang and cook and just catch up. Know that I love you and pray often. Wish we lived closer!

Andressa said...

Congratulations on the new job! I'm thankful that you found someone that will give you grace while you also pursue something you love. What you wrote about how you feel and what you are going through was very well written, I know it's not always easy to post how you feel but I thank you for sharing.