Update and a few praises

How could we possibly have something to praise God about in the middle of losing our second child? How could I find purpose in the details of preparing our baby's body for burial? Why aren't we utterly furious with God and His plan so far for us?

We are angry. We have and will continue to cry out in pain. We hurt beyond imagination. We ache for our babies. We cry out for them. We feel as if our hearts are being ripped to shreds. We feel utterly defeated and set back.

And, in the middle of our pain and in the quiet moments of grace given to us by God, we are able to seek Him and we have found comfort in His presence. He weeps with us, even now. This was not His plan for our lives, but because of sin, I believe that He has allowed it to happen. And we both pray that we will understand God's purpose and plan for us in giving us this pain twice.

There's a verse we're using in Molly's book that clearly explains WHY we run to our Lord and Maker. Where else would we turn but to God? For there is none like Him and none that can heal our hearts like He will.

John 6:68 "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

Update:
Unless my body starts the process on its own, here is our plan for having this baby and saying our good byes.

Tuesday morning at 9:30 I have an appointment at the doctors office where they will get the process started. I will go back home and then check into the hospital later that evening where they will begin giving me some meds to keep things moving.

Here are the praises:

1. My mom will be here for the entire process. She wasn't able to be here for Molly's birth so I am extra thankful that she can be here for this.

2. Our dear friend and photographer, Heather Lilly, who took such amazing and beautiful pictures of Molly, has agreed to be with us at the hospital to take some pictures of our baby before we say good bye. She said it would be an honor for her. Apparently God has put us on her heart a lot over the past few weeks and I have no doubt it was to prepare her for this.

3. I called the cemetery where Molly is buried and spoke with the woman who helped us with Molly's marker and everything. I asked if we could have this baby buried in the same plot with Molly so that they could be together. She granted my request before I was even finished asking it. I am overjoyed that we will be able to bury our baby. Plus, what better place for this baby to be laid to rest than next to his/her older sister.

We are so grateful for these things in the midst of our heartache. It seems a tiny bit easier to bear since we are able to have some semblance of parenthood with this child.

We thank each of you for praying for us so fervently. We continue to need those prayers as we prepare for labor and delivery and then having our final moments. We are also still praying for a name for this baby and a verse as we give our child back to the Lord. Also, please pray for me as Mother's Day approaches. It is so hard celebrating this day in the midst of grief. I know I am a mother, through and through. But this is not the sort of mom I want to be, not at all. I want what I can't have and I ache for who we've lost.

Comments

Julie said…
My heart grieves for you. I am so sorry. I dread mothers' day, too. Been thinking a lot about you - and praying for the God of all comfort to comfort you.
The Shirey's said…
Rebecca & Jake,
The Florida Baptist Children's Homes is praying for you in Lakeland, FL. We ask God to give you the kind of peace that only he gives and that you will see a glimpse of his plan in the midst of your grief.
Donna Jarvis said…
Ohhhh, Rebecca & Jake!!

My heart is soooo full of sorrow for you!! Your anger to totally understandable! I was soooo anger yesterday when I found out - I screamed at Him, through my tears for you!! (I felt guilty but realized God created that emotion & He soooo understands it!)

I cannot begin to understand your grief!! I know it must be soooo unbearable - but we also know we must trust Him in all we do not understand! He promises to hold you when your whole world has been shattered! (I know you know this!!) It must feel like He has forsaken you - but He Promises He Will Not!!

Rebecca, you are an AMAZING Mother!!!!

Your pain will not be wasted!! In some way, in some time the light will begin to shine again!!

We are praying your Mom will be here. We thank God for the blessing of the photographer, and the burial with it's big sister.

PlEASE, if there is anything we can do, please call us - even if to cry - we are crying, too.

Rest His Love & the love we all have for you at this time! PLEASE know you are really not alone!

In His Almighty Name - We Love you so much,

Donna & Gary
Jessica said…
Praying in so many ways.
Renee Earley said…
Rebecca and Jake-
My heart, prayers, mercy and unconditional love go out to you both. I am so very saddened to hear your news and will continue to pray for you both. WOW...GOd is really working in this and we can't loose site of that. He has the master plan for us, even when we DO NOT understand these heartaches, we MUST never loose site of his love, mercy and the AMAZING plan He is preparing to unfold for you both. He brought you to this place and He will Lead you through it...He holds His hands out to you asking you to keep walking with Him, leaning on, trusting in Him and Loving Him. God is so great, even in these moments when we feel we have lost all hope..He is Good and He is God.
I love you and am praying so much for you both.
I pray God will continue to give you strenght over the next few days with delivery, peace and mercy.
In His Holy name I pray His continued Blessing upon you and Jake.
Renee Earley
Linds said…
Becca tears fill my eyes as I read your post. I wish there was something I could say or do to take away the pain and anguish that you and Jake feel. Please know that Drew and I are praying for you guys! I am so so so so sorry.
Cindy said…
You were on my mind as I thought about Mother's Day, even before I learned about your baby. I am so very sorry, Rebecca (& Jake). You are an amazing example to others in the midst of your sorrow and grief. I shared with your M & D that six yrs ago, we lost our son at 17 wks, and had to go through the L&D. You are handling this very well in spite of the circumstances. It is so hard. I've been praying 2 Cor 1:3,4 for you and will continue.
Grieving with you ~ Cindy (& Bruce M)
Rebecca, I know you are so loved by all those who know you. I have prayed for you since you lost Molly. I know a good friend of your moms. She has forwarded the emails on to me because we lost our daughter, Katie Laine, at 24 weeks. We also miscarried twice, before and after our sweet Katie. I know the emptiness that you are feeling inside. It is awful to be separated from our children. I often think that Heaven is too far away. I am praying for you this Mothers Day and will contine to on Monday. The journey is long to see beauty from our ashes but Gods love and plan is perfect. I am so sorry that you guys are going through this. Much love and prayers. Amy Wrublesky
Anonymous said…
Dear Sweet Rebecca!

It is Mother's Day & my heart is full of sorrow for you & Jake! Please know that this mom is in prayerful vigilance for you

You continue to inspire us as you see God's Grace through this most difficult.

May you feel God holding you in the palm of his hand & the center of His heart. May you hold onto the comfort & peace He is giving you. May God place people around you who may walk this journey with you, hug you, hold you, pray & cry with you at this time. May all your needs & desires during this time be fulfilled!

In His Holy Name & Eternal Grace,

Donna
Anonymous said…
Rebecca & Jake,

I read your latest blog after hearing your story at church last weekend. My heart breaks for you. I am inspired that despite all your pain you are still turning to God through this! Remember that God has a plan for both of you. There is a purpose to this loss that you are facing. That in the end there will be joy and this is not the end. I will be praying for you on Tuesday!

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