How could we possibly have something to praise God about in the middle of losing our second child? How could I find purpose in the details of preparing our baby's body for burial? Why aren't we utterly furious with God and His plan so far for us?
We are angry. We have and will continue to cry out in pain. We hurt beyond imagination. We ache for our babies. We cry out for them. We feel as if our hearts are being ripped to shreds. We feel utterly defeated and set back.
And, in the middle of our pain and in the quiet moments of grace given to us by God, we are able to seek Him and we have found comfort in His presence. He weeps with us, even now. This was not His plan for our lives, but because of sin, I believe that He has allowed it to happen. And we both pray that we will understand God's purpose and plan for us in giving us this pain twice.
There's a verse we're using in Molly's book that clearly explains WHY we run to our Lord and Maker. Where else would we turn but to God? For there is none like Him and none that can heal our hearts like He will.
John 6:68 "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."
Unless my body starts the process on its own, here is our plan for having this baby and saying our good byes.
Tuesday morning at 9:30 I have an appointment at the doctors office where they will get the process started. I will go back home and then check into the hospital later that evening where they will begin giving me some meds to keep things moving.
Here are the praises:
1. My mom will be here for the entire process. She wasn't able to be here for Molly's birth so I am extra thankful that she can be here for this.
2. Our dear friend and photographer, Heather Lilly, who took such amazing and beautiful pictures of Molly, has agreed to be with us at the hospital to take some pictures of our baby before we say good bye. She said it would be an honor for her. Apparently God has put us on her heart a lot over the past few weeks and I have no doubt it was to prepare her for this.
3. I called the cemetery where Molly is buried and spoke with the woman who helped us with Molly's marker and everything. I asked if we could have this baby buried in the same plot with Molly so that they could be together. She granted my request before I was even finished asking it. I am overjoyed that we will be able to bury our baby. Plus, what better place for this baby to be laid to rest than next to his/her older sister.
We are so grateful for these things in the midst of our heartache. It seems a tiny bit easier to bear since we are able to have some semblance of parenthood with this child.
We thank each of you for praying for us so fervently. We continue to need those prayers as we prepare for labor and delivery and then having our final moments. We are also still praying for a name for this baby and a verse as we give our child back to the Lord. Also, please pray for me as Mother's Day approaches. It is so hard celebrating this day in the midst of grief. I know I am a mother, through and through. But this is not the sort of mom I want to be, not at all. I want what I can't have and I ache for who we've lost.