Friday, September 19, 2008

Happy 3 months Molly Ann!!

3 months must seem like 3 minutes but to us it has seemed like eternity. We just want you to know that although we miss you dearly, we also find it in our hearts to celebrate your being with Jesus. We dream about what it would be like to be there with you and with our King. Do you have parties every month like we imagine? Do you get cupcakes and party hats? Do you get the balloons we send you?

I sit in your room and gaze upon your precious face and all the features that make you so unique and so Molly! I still smile when I think about how long your feet are. I bet they help you run fast through the soft green grass with the light of Christ shining on your beautiful face. And your long gorgeous fingers help you pick the beautiful flowers and feel their soft and silky petals. Your perfect eyes take in the beauty that surrounds you, beauty that we can only fathom and dream about seeing someday soon. Your lungs don't fight for oxygen anymore and neither does your heart race to keep up with the demands of your little, broken body. You are perfect, beautiful, angelic. And your voice sings for Jesus and praises His name all day long. Oh Molly, we are so proud of you, our little girl. You have brought such joy to your daddy and me, more than we thought possible.

We send you sweet hugs and kisses daily. We look forward with eager anticipation to the day we meet up with you in the Heavenly realm! Until the day...


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Sudsy First Day

My feet are up and haven't been this tired since I worked at Chick-fil-A back in high school. I guess I've been pretty spoiled to not work until now. The first day was great with lots of hard work doing loads of dishes, making buttercream icing, and decorating key lime pies.

I arrived about 10 minutes before 7 in hopes of starting off right by being early. I was given some paperwork, handed over my ID's to be copied, given a cubby for my personal items to be stored, and an apron. I tied my apron on and they put me straight to work. But before I could get my hands wet with dishes one of the bakers informed me that a friend of mine had stopped by with a little gift for me. Standing up on one of the cake stands was a calendar with all sorts of different cupcakes for each month. Linda, my boss, told me I should find out who came by so I went next door to the coffee shop to find Andressa, a great friend of mine. She had come by to wish me good luck on my first day, order a sticky bun, and have coffee while she did some work on her laptop. So sweet! I was so excited to have someone visit me already on my first day.

I went back to the bakery and they put me to work on some dishes. When one does dishes, you wear blue rubber gloves that go past your elbows and you listen to solid 80's music the whole time. While I'm washing, I get to take a peek over my should at the bakers who do their cake decorating and play with all sorts of icings, filings, and cakes. What a great place to wash dishes!

I take a break around 8:30 and start to make butter cream icing. This is a pretty easy task, although I'll be making almost 90 pounds of it by the time I'm done. I use an industrial size food processor and it does the hard work for me. Next, I do more dishes. The water is scalding hot and my arms are sweaty and wet after 30 minutes. The 80's are still ringing in my ears and the two bakers there play "guess the artist" and I just laugh at them. I laughed a lot.

After a short lunch break at 12, I continue making butter cream icing. I finish and then take on some more dishes. Oh and by the way, I have been ordered by the owners to try everything they sell so that I know how it's supposed to taste and so I can tell the customers what it tastes like too. I get started with my tasting by trying a chocolate macaroon, white cake, a peppermint brownie, and white chocolate whipped cream. All I have to say is: Delish! I better get a gym membership soon or else I'll start putting on the pounds faster than I can say chocolate butter cream.

I finish work around 2:45 and am happy to go home. I just hope I don't crash and take a nap or else I won't sleep well tonite. One thing is for sure: This girl needs a shower!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Tears of others

"The hurt will never go away, but it will get easier," a sweet man spoke through fresh tears after seeing pictures of Molly on my phone. I was at a wedding in Loveland for a friend of mine where I met the parents of a friend of mine on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ. Sitting in the church waiting for the wedding to start, my friend Jessica asks me how I am doing, and listens with a tender heart as I share with her what I tell everyone. It's one day at a time, one foot forward as we continue to grieve and mourn our loss of sweet Molly. She tells me next that she has new perspective for what we are going through because her parents lost their firstborn son, Dillon, three months before he was supposed to be born.

I meet her parents briefly before the wedding starts and then at the reception her mom comes to sit by me and tells me through tears that she would like to hear more about our Molly. She doesn't say a word about her own loss, just listens as I tell her a brief version of Molly's story. And then I show her pictures from my phone and her husband comes over to look as well. They are precious as they look at just a third of Molly's black and white photos. She gives me the phone back and with tears in her eyes tells me that I'll always be Molly's mommy and how beautiful she is. I am so proud! I don't cry, but instead beam with the biggest smile as I relish in sharing her story and her beautiful pictures to another person.

Jessica's dad stays behind me as his wife goes back to her chair across the table from me. For several seconds I don't realize he's still there wiping his eyes and sniffing. I turn around to thank him for his tears and he kneels by my chair and puts his arm around my shoulders. He tells me he's so sorry for our loss. That it will never go away but that it would get easier. His tears tell me that the pain is still there for him, over 28 years later, and that he knows the pain that I feel more than anyone else at our table. His eyes are bright, even through tears, and he smiles and tells me what I already know about a new perspective on life and heaven.

I love seeing the tears of others. It is so beautiful and dear. Tears communicate so much to us. When people feel free to share their tears with us it tells us that they are walking with us and sharing our burden with us, even though they may have never lost a child.

Tears are sweet. They are gentle and loving. And I love to see the tears of others.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Mutz Family Update

Jake and I just returned from Little Rock where we did some recording in Family Life's studio about Molly's story. It was a full day for us in the studio and we are both looking forward to hearing her story shared on the radio whenever it is aired. It looks like it might be aired on her birthday, but we'll post when we know for sure.

A small, yet exciting thing for me is that I start working at a nearby bakery next Tuesday, the 9th. I work 2 days a week, from 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. and I am really looking forward to it. The bakery is called Indulge and it is about 2 miles from our house. The owners are christians and are willing to let me start working 2 days a week as I ease into a new job. They know about Molly and have been very understanding of where I am emotionally and mentally.

The week in Little Rock was good. I went to a Razorback game which was almost entirely disappointing except that I was with my mom and Laura and that made it very fun and enjoyable. The Hogs did win, but just barely. :) While at the game I also got to connect with a good friend from college for just about 15 minutes before the game started. That was very good and difficult all at the same time.

I am starting to see patterns take shape as I talk with people and share our story or talk about how we're doing. Initially I am fine and enjoying the process and time with friends and family. Sometime after or during these moments I find myself overwhelmed by feelings of sadness, jealousy, or anger. More often than not, I am just sad and missing our daughter. But there are moments of anger that surprise me and I end up feeling like a bad person or like I shouldn't feel that way. I am learning that those feelings are ok, part of the process, and good for me to feel. It's better than feeling numb, although there are days when I wish for the numbness to return.

We are home. It's always so good to return home from being gone either overnight or a week. For the month of September I plan on staying home and resting, journalling, and processing in my own way. I am finding that the busyness of life has caused me to forget to grieve and cry and share my pain and feelings. And when that happens it's like trying to keep the lid on a boiling pot of water. Before long it will push the lid up and allow the steam and water to escape and sizzle on the stove or fog up the microwave. What results in me are tears streaming down my face as I watch my nephew knee board and I realize that we won't be able to watch Molly learn how to knee board or water ski along with everything else you do with your kids. I won't be teaching her how to bake cupcakes and decorate them with all sorts of colored icings. Jacob won't be taking her out on dates and interviewing the boys that want to date her or hearing from the young man who wants to marry her. We won't walk her down the aisle to give her away because we've already given her away. She's with Jesus, not with us.