This time last year

I realized in the wee hours of the morning a few days ago that we were on the eve of Micah's birthday. Yesterday, one year ago, we held in our hands the precious body of our baby. He had fallen asleep in my womb at just 14 weeks and when we finally were able to hold him we were in awe at how perfectly formed he was.

We buried him just a few feet from his sister, Molly. Losing him just 11 short months after Molly was incredibly difficult and in some ways harder for me to deal with than her death was. I experienced intense anger and asked many questions of our God as to the purpose of his life and then death, especially so soon after losing Molly. I felt it like a slap in the face, so personal.

We won't be celebrating his birthday like we will be for Molly in just one month. There won't be a cake or flowers or anything like that. I have just quietly remembered him in my heart and mind as I went about the day. We sent some balloons with hugs and kisses later in the evening as we went on a short walk.

I look at our two precious little girls and see God's hand in all circumstances. We did not deserve Piper and Lily because of the two babies we had lost before. Micah's death doesn't make sense now that we have the twins. I do see that had we continued the pregnancy with Micah, we would not be enjoying Piper and Lily now. We cannot know what God has in store when he allows certain things in our life. We just cannot. For that, I do praise Him for being in control of everything and not allowing me to take control instead. It would all be a mess if I did. :)

This post doesn't make a ton of sense, but I just wanted to share my thoughts and also remember our babies, Molly and Micah. In less than a month we'll be celebrating Molly's second birthday. Amazing how time flies and yet goes so slowly all at the same time.

Comments

Linds said…
I think your post made total sense... atleast to someone who wrestles with the "why" alot :) I sometimes wonder what it will be like in Heaven when we are actually able to ask God and he's able to lay it all out before us and we have our "aha" moment where it all finally makes sense.

Praying for you as you go through these milestones and days! You are precious and such an example of strength!
Rebecca said…
My Olivia and your Micah share the same birthday. I have been remembering as well. We sang Happy Birthday at her grave.

Molly & Micah are just part of His story written long ago.
((hugs))
belle said…
it makes so much sense to my heart..... i miss mine too. i also cherish very much the ones i "got to keep here"..... sigh... there is so much more to say....
Joetta said…
I too agree that your post make total sense - such a range of emotions, thankful for the 3 beautiful girls that God has blessed me with and yet I also had a miscarriage...thanking God for His peace and comfort... praying for you...
I also so appreciated you sharing your struggles after the birth of your twins, I've struggled with depression my whole life and somehow it helps to know that I'm not alone - God is good..
so, thanks for being so honest - it's an encouragement to me...
sharonherby said…
can't thank U enough Rebecca for being so transparent in sharing U are a great example & encouragement to all .....
Even though we don't know one another & even though we don't share the same exact experiences~ we certainly do have the same Saviour & God (: & like so many my family and i have experienced great loss & tragedy in life~ when i was 7 & a 1/2- one of my big brother's (16 yrs almost 17) was killed by a drunk driver... my brother was an amazing young christian man & his life & passing changed our lives forever... i may be wrong about this, but i have an overwhelming feeling that the spirit of God has let my heart know that the moment we enter into God's presence in Heaven that will be the moment when there aren't any more questions~ I really believe that in that moment we will just know!!! In His love, Sharon K. Herbert ~ Jiretz(sounds like Jarritz) (:
Kristin Smith said…
Your honesty is so encouraging. We all walk this earth and encounter things we wish we did not. I just am so encouraged by the wisdom God is giving you to deal with the hardships you have had. He has and is being real to you during really hard circumstances. We all need to be reminded that faith in God is not about life being perfect. God is not a geni in a lamp that we rub to make the world the way we would like it to be. He certainly has not worked that way in my almost 56 years. Crohn's disease, being fed intravenously from the 4th month till after Nathan was born. I suffered severe osteoporosis during the pregnancy and lost 3 inches in height. Our son was 7 1/2 weeks early weighing in at 2 lbs 14 ounces. I was in the hospital myself for the first 3 weeks of his life. Our church fed us for 4 months as I could not do anything for myself. A friend cleaned our home for 6 months. That same friend took me to the hospital regularly to visit Nathan as I could not drive for the first 3 or 4 months after he was born. Life was frightening and painful. My doctor said I had one foot at death's door and one on a banana peel. But people prayed and we are now 23 years down the road. Nathan is in college. God provided. I see God's grace all over our lives. It has not been easy but it has been good. He has been and is faithful. His grace shows up without my earning it, deserving it, or even knowing what form of grace I need. But the grace has been there at each corner just when I needed it. Thanks for sharing your story. The lessons you are learning confirm to me things God has been teaching me along the way as well. I love what you express and it all makes perfect sense to me. The good in life does not erase the hard in life. You have two wonderful baby girls. But you still had to say good bye to Molly and Micah. It seems so right to me that you express that. I think the mourning over Molly and Micah and the remembering of them is a thank you to God. It says to God that you knew they were good gifts. Your missing them confirms that they were. Tears are holy. I am continuing to pray for you each day. Bless you all.
Crystal... said…
Wow.. thank you for sharing your heart. Sometimes it does not make sense, only makes us more thankful for the blessings that we have been given and a good reminder to not take them for granted.

HUGS!!!!!
Charlotte said…
Rebecca, I appreciate your comments, especially about God being in control and us making a mess of things if we were in control!! One of the verses I have clung to for several years is The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. It seems we are often going from plan A, to plan B, etc! I had 2 miscarriages in a row and felt much like you did. However, we had 3 more children after that whom we would not have had if those babies would have lived. (Kristin, two of my kids have Crohn's disease, so I noticed your comments especially!!) We are on the way to Mayo with one on Wednesday. Again...not my plan this week, but the Lord's!!
How wierd, I went to the bookstore yesterday and picked up your book, I read it cover to cover in one day. I cried as I remembered our babies: #1 Ezekiel was a miscarriage at 14 weeks, #2 Hazael went to sleep at 19 weeks - I had to delivery him and we had a funeral, #3 Obed was another miscarriage at 8 weeks. I never saw even a glimpse of baby Ezekiel & Obed, the sonos said there was just an empty sack - my heart was an empty sack. Baby Hazael was the most memorable, I got to see him kicking on the sono just a couple of days before he passed. Then came baby #4 Christopher (after his dada) our first miracle. I still can't believe I have my baby boy after all we went through. When he was just 6 months old we thought we would try again for another baby and then the Lord gave us Caleb. Just last month we were surprised to find out that I was pregnant again! I wasn't afraid even though I already had a 26 month old and an 11 month old. I just settled into hoping for a baby girl to complete our family then I miscarried. So here we are 7 years into our married (last week). I'm 30 and I've been pregnant 6 times and have the wonderful privilae of caring for two little boys here on earth. Thank you for your book, it helped me to remember what the Lord has brought us through and to help me remember how close I was to my God during these hard times. I am connected to you because we've shared in the same sorrow. Enjoy your new little girls. I love my boys. Its wonderful. God Bless

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