I realized in the wee hours of the morning a few days ago that we were on the eve of Micah's birthday. Yesterday, one year ago, we held in our hands the precious body of our baby. He had fallen asleep in my womb at just 14 weeks and when we finally were able to hold him we were in awe at how perfectly formed he was.
We buried him just a few feet from his sister, Molly. Losing him just 11 short months after Molly was incredibly difficult and in some ways harder for me to deal with than her death was. I experienced intense anger and asked many questions of our God as to the purpose of his life and then death, especially so soon after losing Molly. I felt it like a slap in the face, so personal.
We won't be celebrating his birthday like we will be for Molly in just one month. There won't be a cake or flowers or anything like that. I have just quietly remembered him in my heart and mind as I went about the day. We sent some balloons with hugs and kisses later in the evening as we went on a short walk.
I look at our two precious little girls and see God's hand in all circumstances. We did not deserve Piper and Lily because of the two babies we had lost before. Micah's death doesn't make sense now that we have the twins. I do see that had we continued the pregnancy with Micah, we would not be enjoying Piper and Lily now. We cannot know what God has in store when he allows certain things in our life. We just cannot. For that, I do praise Him for being in control of everything and not allowing me to take control instead. It would all be a mess if I did. :)
This post doesn't make a ton of sense, but I just wanted to share my thoughts and also remember our babies, Molly and Micah. In less than a month we'll be celebrating Molly's second birthday. Amazing how time flies and yet goes so slowly all at the same time.