Good grief!

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted here. Jake and I spent the last 2 weeks on the road visiting Wyoming, Montana, Idaho, and Utah. We really enjoyed our trip and had great conversation and lots of laughs. We even got to meet up with Jake’s brother, Ozzie and his wife, Johanna for part of the trip. We met them in Utah, at Zion National Park and really had a good time hiking, eating at Oscar’s, chatting in our tent till midnight, and seeing some great parts of our country together. It was a really fun time to go on a trip with another couple, especially one in our family!

I have so much I want to write about but am afraid it won’t make sense if I just unload here so I’ll have to write a piece at a time.

Recently, Jake and I have had the opportunity to adopt a baby boy who will be born in the next few weeks. We prayed and prayed and sought advice and prayed some more. The idea of having a child in our home by August was incredibly appealing, to say the least. But we just weren’t quite feeling 100% about it either. Last night we decided to let this adoption opportunity go to someone else.

I knew that it would be a good decision either way. If this is not our baby then we would let it go and somehow we’d see how that decision was a wise one. If this was our baby we would see the good in it and enjoy every moment. Unfortunately for me, after making this decision I experienced feelings of deep depression. I felt worthless, aimless, a waste of space, and without a purpose in my life. I don’t have a job or skill that keeps me motivated and I am not pregnant, counting down the weeks. Late last night I really heard some lies from the enemy about my worth and I let them enter into my heart for a time. Then I realized that none of those things were true. I asked the Lord to help me focus on truths rather than lies. And it helped.

Did my sorrow and sadness end there? No. Did I bounce back and think, “Wow, I sure am content not having any babies in my life! Thanks God!” Absolutely not. This was no quick fix. No easy solution or magic wand that could take away my pain and sorrow. It was all still there and I felt immense pain and anger at our current state. Why was God withholding the desire of our hearts to have children in our lives? I have no idea. I can only guess that it is for the refinement of our hearts that He is waiting. Sometimes I wish He wouldn’t be so mysterious.

Waiting is difficult. We wait every day for things all the time. I wait for the water to boil or for the light to turn green. I wait for Jake to come for dinner or my computer to start up. Those things aren’t hard to wait for because I can easily tell when the waiting will be over. I know when the light will turn green because I see the other cars stopping to begin their wait. I know Jake is coming for dinner because I hear him running down the stairs. The hardest things to wait for are the things that we can’t see any progress in. I can’t tell if we are any closer to having a child in our lives. Even if we become pregnant again, we will still have to wait 9 long months to meet that child. And that’s assuming we have a baby that is healthy, like so many others have every day.

It’s pretty excruciating for me to wait right now. I feel the huge void in my heart that only God can fill with a child. I carry it with me every day. On some days I don’t notice it while other days it seems to be shouting in my ears, taunting me. In the midst of my sorrow and sadness, I find it empowering to say:

I am worthy.
I am a child of the most High God.
I am beautiful.
I am lovely.
I am filled with the purpose of loving God and making Him known.
I am a Princess to The King.
I am dearly loved.
I am worthy.

Comments

Kristin said…
Rebeccah,
I heard your story about Molly the other day on FL Today. And then I read your blog about Micah William. I was and am heartbroken for you and Jacob. Your story takes my breath away. I am so encouraged by your writings. They are so honest, so real. It is encouraging because you know and are learning that the hurting is not a lack of faith. I am so glad for that. After reading "Good Grief" I thought this is faith. All that you said here is what faith is. The feelings all still there living in the midst of giant hurts but clinging to the truth because it is the truth. I find so much freedom in knowing that faith is the tenacious believing in the midst of pain and swirling emotions that God is and He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. That faith is not the absence of emotions and your story confirms to me what God has been teaching me over the years. I am sorry that there are no babies in your house yet. I hope that will change soon and will pray for God's provision for you and Jacob. Thanks for sharing your story. It is so good for people to hear and see what real faith is in the midst of real life. And your writings communicate that to me.
Bless you,
Kristin Smith
Hunt, Texas
erin said…
Thank you, Dearest Lord. Your name is a Strong Tower. The righteous run into it and they are saved. Rebecca and family are saved by Your Strong Tower... and we are saved along with them as we are swept up together in their sprint to You through their story.
You changed my life forever today, through their book. You did a work in me and I will never be the same. I could get specific about all You taught me through them, but You know. Help Rebecca to know, dearest Father. Help her and Jacob to understand everyday all that You are doing now through them. They have eyes that have seen much, and now hundreds of eyes are being opened each day to also see anew.
Help them rest in the peace of knowing that you are doing, as always, a mighty, mighty work in Your people.
Thank you, Dearest Deliverer, that You Are.
M. Serna said…
Rebecca,

I first read your story back when your dad sent out the article about it in the FL Newsletter - I think days after Molly's passing. It felt so close to me, partially because it was geographically (I live near Red Rocks), but more importantly because a chord was struck in my heart. During that time, while we are strangers to one another, you weighed heavy on my heart and in my prayers. Recently I came across your blog, and I feel a little bit like an intruder, but nonetheless here I am!

Thanks for this post. So real & raw; that's the kind of stuff that helps others, and even yourself I am sure. I could so relate to this post because in my personal situation we have not been able yet to even get pregnant. The most acute feeling that I have been dealing with lately is in regards to the unknown waiting period. I have recently been expressing this feeling to my husband, family, and friends. I can handle waiting for just about anything that has a certain time frame; its this waiting that I dont have a time frame on, dont have guarantees with and cant control that has tried to steal the best of my faith, hope, and joy.

Your trip sounds like it was incredible. We are leaving on a similar type of trip this weekend, but driving the CA coast.

Know this: as I deal with my own journey of waiting you will be in my prayers.
Rachel said…
Rebecca-
Thanks for being real, for being open and honest. I too have struggled, and continue to struggle with believing lies from the enemy. Waiting for something that's so easily achieved by most people sometimes feels like a punishment. I'm trying to remember and thank God for my blessings every day. After all, I am not the person who has no home and has to sleep on the street. I am not the person who is hungry 95% of the time, because I have a frig and a pantry full of food. I am not the person struggling to survive cancer treatments. Praise God for what I do have and praise God for what I don't.
Anonymous said…
Rebecca,

I listened to the FL broadcast a few weeks ago and was deeply touched. I didn't know at the time why I felt so compelled to listen as I couldn't relate to what you walked through, normally I wouldn't listen to a radio show I didn't relate to on some level. Well God showed me why I listened. Some friends of mine just lost their little girl, she had Edwards Syndrome, she lived 6 short days but had an impact on others that will last for eternity. I will be buying your book to send to my friends and now see Gods hand in why I listened to the broadcast and now follow your blog. If you would, please pray for my friends John and Tina as they grieve. Thank you for being such a blessing to others, God is using you!! I thank God for mighty Molly who now has a new playmate in heaven, Eden.
JudyN said…
Keep writing my friend. You have a beautiful gift!
Liz*** said…
Dear Rebecca,
I also listened to the broadcast and have been praying for you and Jake ever since. I feel the Lord wants me to share this song with you. It meant a great deal to my family when we went through a very difficult time. I believe it really applies to your situation right now. It is called "In the Waiting" by Greg Long. I am going to list the words here but please look it up and listen to the powerful words. I pray you feel a peace beyond your understanding and feel His arms surrounding you. Thanks for sharing your story with us and bringing glory to Him!

IN THE WAITING by Greg Long

Pain -
the gift nobody longs for, still it comes
and somehow leaves us stronger
when it’s gone away.

Pray –
I try and pray for Your will to be done
but I confess it’s never fast enough for me

It seems
the hardest part is waiting on You
when what I really want
is just to see Your hand move.

I want a peace beyond my understanding.
I want to feel it fall like rain
In the middle of my hurting.
I want to feel Your arms as they surround me
and let me know that It’s okay
to be here in this place,
resting in the peace that only comes
in the waiting.

Time –
Time to let it go and just believe,
Trusting in what no one else but You can see.

Free –
Freedom from the fears that close me in
when I can’t get beyond where I have been, but then

Again –
the silence doesn’t mean that I’m alone
as long as I can hear
that I am still Your own.

I want a peace beyond my understanding.
I want to feel it fall like rain
In the middle of my hurting.
I want to feel Your arms as they surround me
and let me know that it’s okay
to be here in this place,
resting in the peace that only comes
in the waiting.
Much love,
~Liz from Dallas
Sara said…
Rebecca,
My heart aches for you. I think I might have mentioned this before but my mom was on a plane and read your article about Molly in the family Life magazine. She was on her way to care for me and my family as I was just getting out of the hospital after having my son Samuel who was stillborn. It was amazing to me that she would read it that same day I had my son. It was an encouragement to me.

We have suffered another loss just this week when the baby we were to adopt was stillborn at 28 weeks.
I so relate to your deep hurt, pain and anguish. I have never prayed so much for peace and not really felt it come... sometimes for a long time. It is such a dark place. I have to continue to rest in the truth.

He does love us... he created us and our children.

He is with us... even when we don't feel it.

He does care for us.
We must continue to rest in the truths of his word and rebuke the enemy when we feel him attacking. Wow, those attacks are real and rough.

Rebecca, I will continue to pray for you that the Lord would renew your strength as you wait on HIM. I pray you and your husband will feel His presence in a real way. You are on my mind and in my prayers. I loved what you wrote about the fellowship of the suffering. There is comfort and encouragement there. Loving you in Christ!
Sara
thepipers said…
Thanks for writing this, Rebecca. I know these feelings so well in my wait for a daughter in my life. I ask the Lord for it every day, never knowing if it will actually ever come.

So many lies, so many untruths... thankful that God is meeting you and displaying his strength to you.
Christy said…
Hey Becca! Just wanted you to know that this post was so encouraging to me. While we are waiting on different things, I've been struggling with the same lies about being worthy and valuable and you really lifted me up. I'm thankful for your friendship!
Love you
Christy

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