I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted here. Jake and I spent the last 2 weeks on the road visiting Wyoming, Montana, Idaho, and Utah. We really enjoyed our trip and had great conversation and lots of laughs. We even got to meet up with Jake’s brother, Ozzie and his wife, Johanna for part of the trip. We met them in Utah, at Zion National Park and really had a good time hiking, eating at Oscar’s, chatting in our tent till midnight, and seeing some great parts of our country together. It was a really fun time to go on a trip with another couple, especially one in our family!
I have so much I want to write about but am afraid it won’t make sense if I just unload here so I’ll have to write a piece at a time.
Recently, Jake and I have had the opportunity to adopt a baby boy who will be born in the next few weeks. We prayed and prayed and sought advice and prayed some more. The idea of having a child in our home by August was incredibly appealing, to say the least. But we just weren’t quite feeling 100% about it either. Last night we decided to let this adoption opportunity go to someone else.
I knew that it would be a good decision either way. If this is not our baby then we would let it go and somehow we’d see how that decision was a wise one. If this was our baby we would see the good in it and enjoy every moment. Unfortunately for me, after making this decision I experienced feelings of deep depression. I felt worthless, aimless, a waste of space, and without a purpose in my life. I don’t have a job or skill that keeps me motivated and I am not pregnant, counting down the weeks. Late last night I really heard some lies from the enemy about my worth and I let them enter into my heart for a time. Then I realized that none of those things were true. I asked the Lord to help me focus on truths rather than lies. And it helped.
Did my sorrow and sadness end there? No. Did I bounce back and think, “Wow, I sure am content not having any babies in my life! Thanks God!” Absolutely not. This was no quick fix. No easy solution or magic wand that could take away my pain and sorrow. It was all still there and I felt immense pain and anger at our current state. Why was God withholding the desire of our hearts to have children in our lives? I have no idea. I can only guess that it is for the refinement of our hearts that He is waiting. Sometimes I wish He wouldn’t be so mysterious.
Waiting is difficult. We wait every day for things all the time. I wait for the water to boil or for the light to turn green. I wait for Jake to come for dinner or my computer to start up. Those things aren’t hard to wait for because I can easily tell when the waiting will be over. I know when the light will turn green because I see the other cars stopping to begin their wait. I know Jake is coming for dinner because I hear him running down the stairs. The hardest things to wait for are the things that we can’t see any progress in. I can’t tell if we are any closer to having a child in our lives. Even if we become pregnant again, we will still have to wait 9 long months to meet that child. And that’s assuming we have a baby that is healthy, like so many others have every day.
It’s pretty excruciating for me to wait right now. I feel the huge void in my heart that only God can fill with a child. I carry it with me every day. On some days I don’t notice it while other days it seems to be shouting in my ears, taunting me. In the midst of my sorrow and sadness, I find it empowering to say:
I am worthy.
I am a child of the most High God.
I am beautiful.
I am lovely.
I am filled with the purpose of loving God and making Him known.
I am a Princess to The King.
I am dearly loved.
I am worthy.