I definitely haven't been grieving as much lately. When we started this process I was looking forward to being out of the thick of grief. But now that things are starting to clear I'm not sure I like it. It's like I've forgotten amidst getting our new puppy, Tank, and figuring everything out for him like house breaking. Then Kirsti and Pam were here for four days which was super fun.
I haven't written in Molly's journal in awhile. I even forgot it was her 7 month birthday this month and then I didn't even think about her home-going on the 19th, not at all. That makes me sad. I feel like I'm going to forget about her. I know I will never forget about our little Molly girl, but somehow it feels much more distant. I think the start of the new year has something to do with that. Part of me wanted to stay in 2008 where we were closer to her life and I could say to a stranger, "I had a daughter this year and she only lived a week but now she's in glory." I can still say that, but it's now been 7 months, not a few. I know time still goes on but I feel like it's moving too fast for me.
I just want to savor her memory, think about her more, write to her and send her more balloons. I want to visit her doorway and tell her all about Tank and how much fun she would have had with him. I want to take her flowers even though I know they will just wither and die in the cold. I want to remember how it felt to hold her close and feel her heart beating against mine. I want to buy her a cute outfit for Valentine's Day or a silly hat for Easter. I find myself looking at little outfits thinking I should get her something. Or I think about buying an adorable outfit for the daughter of some of our friends. Since I can't buy for Molly and see her all dressed up, maybe I can do that for someone else.
I think I would sum it up like this: I want to move forward in life but not at the expense of our past. And I don't really know how to do that quite yet.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Meet our new little guy, Tank. He's 2.7 pounds, dark brown, and very furry. We think his eyes are blue and he has a little fluff of hair on top of his head that looks like a hat. It's so cute. We think he looks like a bear but I think the name Tank is gonna stick.
We picked him up at the Continental Cargo Office around 4:45 p.m. and it was love at first sight!! When we walked into the offices he was crying and it sounded like a cross between a duck and a dog. :) It was pretty cute. We took him out of his crate and immediately bonded with him. We took him outside and ran around with him. His little tail wags so fast as he runs or walks. It's so cute to watch.
We love him already!! He's sleeping in my lap while Jake plays on the Wii and I don't care how long I have to sit here. Knowing he feels safe and secure enough to fall asleep in my lap is so wonderful.
He's pretty precious. He is our constant shadow as we walk around the kitchen or the dining room. He's already gone potty on our kitchen rug, the hardwood floor, and our basement on the newspapers. :) We've made it through one run of whining in the crate and when he finally quit for 3 minutes we took him out. Oh it was so hard. :) It tugged at my heart strings when I heard him whimper and cry and I couldn't do anything about it. Well, I could have, but we had chosen to not take him out of his crate until he had quit crying for awhile. It was a good test, especially with Jake there to help me.
More pictures to follow, of course as he's our new favorite!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Christmas was good. We traveled to northern Virginia to stay with my younger sister, Laura, and spend Christmas at her house. My parents were also there and we had a grand time together cooking, laughing, playing Cranium and winning against the boys, eating too many christmas butter cookies, exchanging gifts, and watching movies. Christmas wasn't too bad for us. I was expecting it to be much worse than it turned out to be. Honestly, Thanksgiving was harder and I'm not sure why. I told one of my co-workers today that I didn't think it was hard because we didn't have any Christmas memories with her. The time leading up to Christmas was hard, but not the actual day.
I have 3 favorite memories from this Christmas. Here they are:
1. A beautiful painting that my mom did for us of Molly's name. Her name is white with a gold street below her feet. There is a blue sky behind it with gold stars that represent her righteousness. The tree of life stands between her first and middle name and beneath it sits The Lamb. There are three little girls representing what she is doing in Heaven and what she might look like. One is of her in a long flowing pink dress, bringing her crown to the King. The second little girl is doing a cartwheel in a yellow dress. And the third is of her kneeling and raising her hands in praise to our Savior. It's beautifully done with several verses included about Heaven and how wonderful it will be there.
2. Mom, La, and I smoked the guys in a fabulous game of Cranium. As we started out it looked like we were going to lose and the guys even taunted us by telling us we were going the wrong way on the board. Well, it turned out that we were the better of the two teams. Laura and Mom did very well at all the artist things like drawing with their eyes shut. It was very fun! The men were very bored near the end.
3. The gift I gave Jake for Christmas this year. A new puppy!! That's right. We're getting a dog. I never thought I would say this, but I am. I found a breeder who Jake's aunt and uncle got their puppy from and she had one little guy left. It's a chocolate brown miniature poodle. He'll be a little over 8 weeks when we get him and Click here for pictures. The reason for the poodle is that I am allergic to dogs and we've never had a dog in our house before. We decided we should start small and since our house isn't big enough to handle a laborador, we decided to go with something smaller.
Over Thanksgiving we got to meet Jake's Aunt's dog, Hershey. He's the same dog and from the same mom as our little guy. So, we were able to see him in action and fell in love.
We are greatly looking forward to this new adventure and new life to bring into our hearts and our home. While we are still grieving our precious daughter, we are excited about this new puppy. Both of us are anxious to love on him and take care of him, especially me.
We haven't picked a name for him yet, but are thinking through the options. Jake likes Danger, Rock, Tank, or Zootoo. We'll let you know when we decide and when he arrives!!