Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Grief? Oh yeah, I forgot.

I definitely haven't been grieving as much lately. When we started this process I was looking forward to being out of the thick of grief. But now that things are starting to clear I'm not sure I like it. It's like I've forgotten amidst getting our new puppy, Tank, and figuring everything out for him like house breaking. Then Kirsti and Pam were here for four days which was super fun.

I haven't written in Molly's journal in awhile. I even forgot it was her 7 month birthday this month and then I didn't even think about her home-going on the 19th, not at all. That makes me sad. I feel like I'm going to forget about her. I know I will never forget about our little Molly girl, but somehow it feels much more distant. I think the start of the new year has something to do with that. Part of me wanted to stay in 2008 where we were closer to her life and I could say to a stranger, "I had a daughter this year and she only lived a week but now she's in glory." I can still say that, but it's now been 7 months, not a few. I know time still goes on but I feel like it's moving too fast for me.

I just want to savor her memory, think about her more, write to her and send her more balloons. I want to visit her doorway and tell her all about Tank and how much fun she would have had with him. I want to take her flowers even though I know they will just wither and die in the cold. I want to remember how it felt to hold her close and feel her heart beating against mine. I want to buy her a cute outfit for Valentine's Day or a silly hat for Easter. I find myself looking at little outfits thinking I should get her something. Or I think about buying an adorable outfit for the daughter of some of our friends. Since I can't buy for Molly and see her all dressed up, maybe I can do that for someone else.

I think I would sum it up like this: I want to move forward in life but not at the expense of our past. And I don't really know how to do that quite yet.

7 comments:

Christy said...

continuing my prayers for you sweet friend! You all were on my mind A LOT in church this morning for some reason. Know I love you and am praying. Liv has sent three of her birthday balloons up to heaven. Very cute! :-)

LWB said...

Becca, you're an incredible writer. Thank you for letting us be a part of this with you.

Lots of love,
xoxo

Laurie

K.Leipprandt said...

Oh Becca...thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think it's completely understandable to have moved on in some ways and yet feel guilty about it at the same time. You and Jacob are in our prayers.

~ Katie

Rachel said...

I understand wanting to "savor" your memories. It's hard to not have very many memories to savor though and wishing for the things that could have been. I now have an added distraction, that makes me forget this particular date or that particular date and then I feel sad. Grief is hard enough without having to feel guilty when we don't feel sad or don't remember. I'm glad you're enjoying your puppy though. Blessings! Zephaniah 3:17

Rebecca (Sam's wife) said...

Rebecca-not sure if you will remember me, but we worked at kanakuk a long time ago. i just found your blog and had already read your story, but reading your perspective brought tears to my eyes. thanks for sharing and you are in my prayers and thoughts.

rebecca zellmer now atcherson
zellmerfud.blogspot.com

Jessica said...

Becca,

I continue to pray for you and Jake. I can't speak on what you're going through, but just know that I think about you often.

Love,
Jessica

cindy lou-who said...

becca- i really know what you're talking about. i experienced very similar thoughts & emotions after my best friend from high school died our senior year. i remember feeling strange & sad when i would tell people 'yeah, last year my best friend died', b/c it didn't really have the effect like it did before. it's just weird. but all part of it. even though i haven't commented very much on your blog, i have read your posts a lot and have been really floored by your honesty and ability to articulate what you're experiencing. press on, friend. i can't wait to meet Molly girl.