I definitely haven't been grieving as much lately. When we started this process I was looking forward to being out of the thick of grief. But now that things are starting to clear I'm not sure I like it. It's like I've forgotten amidst getting our new puppy, Tank, and figuring everything out for him like house breaking. Then Kirsti and Pam were here for four days which was super fun.
I haven't written in Molly's journal in awhile. I even forgot it was her 7 month birthday this month and then I didn't even think about her home-going on the 19th, not at all. That makes me sad. I feel like I'm going to forget about her. I know I will never forget about our little Molly girl, but somehow it feels much more distant. I think the start of the new year has something to do with that. Part of me wanted to stay in 2008 where we were closer to her life and I could say to a stranger, "I had a daughter this year and she only lived a week but now she's in glory." I can still say that, but it's now been 7 months, not a few. I know time still goes on but I feel like it's moving too fast for me.
I just want to savor her memory, think about her more, write to her and send her more balloons. I want to visit her doorway and tell her all about Tank and how much fun she would have had with him. I want to take her flowers even though I know they will just wither and die in the cold. I want to remember how it felt to hold her close and feel her heart beating against mine. I want to buy her a cute outfit for Valentine's Day or a silly hat for Easter. I find myself looking at little outfits thinking I should get her something. Or I think about buying an adorable outfit for the daughter of some of our friends. Since I can't buy for Molly and see her all dressed up, maybe I can do that for someone else.
I think I would sum it up like this: I want to move forward in life but not at the expense of our past. And I don't really know how to do that quite yet.