Tuesday, October 22, 2013

I frantically dug through my suitcase, my hands moving clothes and books aside as I looked for the only important item that I had taken with me on my trip.  It was nowhere to be found.  Aside from my light pink shirt I had packed, nothing else of that shade existed in my bag. 

It was Sunday night and I had just returned home from a wonderful and enjoyable weekend with 3,400 other moms for the annual MOPS convention.  It was my first year to go and I was so glad to have been able to attend.  I had left Daddy in charge of the three munchkins and headed off without a single child-like article anywhere near my body or in my purse.  I was kid free for 3 full days.  It was just what I needed and at the time that I needed it. 

I take that back.  I did actually have one baby item, but this item belonged to my first baby, sweet Molly Ann.  I had packed her pink baby blanket that we had wrapped her up when she was in the hospital and had touched her skin and wiped her tears and mine when we were sad.  It holds immense value and is one of my treasured items from that week with her.  My other treasured item is a set of photos that an angel from Heaven took of Molly, just a few hours after she was born.  In these photos, her entire face is free of tubes, tape, and wires.  She is beautiful and whole, just as I imagine she is with Jesus. 

So I took the blanket with me, to sleep with at night like I do every other night whether at home or away.  I have slept with this blanket for 5 and 1/2 years.  It's even gone with me to the hospital when I delivered my other three girls.  

Back to the present.  It's nearly midnight on Sunday when I am finally ready to fall into my bed when I realize I don't have her blanket on my pillow.  I dug through my suitcase for it, willing it to show up underneath a sweater or pile of books from the weekend.  Please, please let it be here.  But in my heart, I know right where it is.  "It's probably stuck in the sheets of my bed in the hotel," I sob to Jake as I keep looking.  I can't believe it's not here. I can't believe I left it! 

That was 2 days ago and it feels like forever.  Molly's blanket is still missing and my heart is missing her even more.  Last night Jake asked me how I was doing and I told him that it felt like I was grieving Molly all over again.  It's hard to explain but it almost feels like an old wound has been opened back up again and I thought it was getting better.  Or like getting a new wound on an old scar, it hurts pretty bad. 

Someone told me today that this is just part of my story and God would use it to weave something new into it.  She's right, I just wish it didn't have to mean losing another piece of Molly. 

Will you pray with me that someone finds it??