Welcome back, tears!!

Ok, so I forgot to write about what we did in January... AND February... AND now March. I don't know how some of you bloggers stay so up to date with your writing. I just can't seem to make it happen! I have had some major writers block lately, so maybe that's part of the problem.

Now that I have my excuses out, on to the good stuff!

In five days we will be celebrating Piper and Lily's first birthday! I just cannot get over the fact that it has been a year since their entry into this world. What an incredible year it has been!! So great and such an overflowing of blessings.

Look at these birthday cuties!!




They don't really care for things on their heads and Piper was way into digging her hand into the hat. That kept her sitting still. Lily, on the other hand, preferred to stare at me and then crawl away. I give some major props to photographers who do this full time. Wow! And they were even my own children!!

A few weeks ago, I quietly celebrated a small milestone of my own. I quit taking my anti-depressants for post partum depression.

Now before some of you get worried about me, I did see my doctor and it is completely fine that I have quit taking them. Part of why I think now is a better time to stop is because I am no longer nursing the twins, as of November 2010. I feel like between then and now I have had a chance to allow my body to regulate all those pesky hormones as much as possible.

The other reason I wanted to get off of them is because for the past year I have been physically unable to feel emotion. It is quite the feeling for me, one who is totally and completely in touch with her emotional side. In the past, I have even been made fun of for being so emotional. So for me to not be able to cry or be sad was really odd and an uncomfortable feeling.

Since weaning off my depression meds, I have had ZERO problem crying. In fact, I almost feel like all the crying I've done lately is making up for a years worth of putting my emotions on hold. Whew!! That's a lot of work, no wonder I feel overwhelmed.

One of the things that has caused me to cry so much is thinking about our daughter, Molly, and her short life here on earth. For some reason, our local Christian radio station keeps playing the song we had played at her memorial service, "Untitled Hymn" by Chris Rice. I think I've heard it at least 3 times this week.

The other thing that is keeping my eyes all misty is all the adjusting we're doing with moving into a new place. With moving comes lots of rearranging and unpacking things you never knew you had or wished you had left at your old house. I have more empty picture frames and wonder what I was thinking when I purchased them. Hmmm, maybe I should re-gift some of them? I've also got a ton of what I call "Molly stuff". Before we had the twins, that's all we had on our walls and on shelves. We wanted to remember every small detail about her and also wanted her pictures to be a talking point with those who visited our home. Now, we still want to show her off but we also want to continue living and put pictures up of the twins. But what do I do with her stuff that we aren't using? I know I can't throw it away, but what do I do with it?

Anyway, that's a good bit of detail about me. Probably more than some of you wanted to know. Next time I'll post pics of the girls party! It's going to be: Pink Poodle!! (And we have two mini poodles so it's perfect!!) We're asking for books instead of gifts since the girls have no idea what a present is. They just like to eat the tissue paper. But if it were made of cheese, they would be all over it!! So maybe people could bring cheese covered books or just cheesy books. Ok, now I'm getting slap happy. Time to quite writing. Maybe I don't have writers block anymore. Hmmm.

Comments

Elaine said…
Rebecca, You're still such an inspiration and your story always amazes me. I can't believe it's been a whole year with the girls- they're adorable!
Linds said…
bahahaha, cheesy books! I love you Becca!

Praying for you...
Stacee said…
Love you Becca, so good to hear an update on how things are. Wish I could come to the pink poodle party! Actually had a dream that Lulu was a blue poodle the other night. Oh those pregnant dreams, they are crazy! Only 2-3 more weeks before Baby Adams gets here!
Christy said…
Love you my precious friend! xoxo
Carolina said…
Hey Rebecca! So glad to hear about this wonderful season of joy with the twins. Wanted to let you know I also took anti-depressants after having Jack and I remember how emotionless I felt. I really missed crying and processing emotions like I used to. but it was a blessing because it allowed me to care well for Jack those first few months. after I got off of them I had a great transition and am thankful they were available. Thank you for your honesty! would love to catch up soon.
Rebecca said…
Happy One Year Birthday! What a reason to celebrate :-) I have such a thing for celebrating birthdays now, because it represents that there was a birth...

I chuckle because I am celebrating weaning myself off of Tylenol PM, my nighttime buddy since the early days of my grief. I never thought I'd be able to sleep without it, but lo and behold...I can!

I don't know what to do with Olivia's things either. I brought her box of "stuff" into my bedroom, but now I just don't know how to incorporate the little momentos into our home. I don't want a "shrine", but I do want her to be remembered.
Kristin said…
Am so glad you are at the place where you can go off the meds. Sounds like your body is healing. It had a lot to deal with. The girls are so sweet. I cannot believe they are going to be one. Bless their little hearts.
Thankful to God for Molly, Micah and Piper and Lily.
Blessings....
mhutsell said…
A friend of mine who lost his wife moved to a new home a short bit after her death. Like you, he wanted to keep things of hers and pictures of her but not cover the house in it. He bought a beautiful cabinet with doors. It stood on the floor but was not huge or anything. Inside on the shelves he put her special things and on the doors were hung special pictures. The cabinet could be closed or left open depending on the need of the moment. It was a beautiful tribute that had its place in their lives that wasn't overbearing for a family trying to heal. Anyway, thought I'd share that idea. Glad you can cry again!
Becky said…
Rebecca I do not know how it feels to lose a child but I do know what its like to lose someone you love. When I was 16 years old my parents were killed by a druck driver. I am now 21 years old and I just want you to know I know how hard it is to try to give their things away. I am now getting to the point where I can give my parents things away. It gets better time does heal wounds. I know you probbly don't believe me right now but you will see as time passes. I thought people were stuipd when they used to tell me that. Im not going to lie its still hard. I think of my parents everyday and its been four and a half years now. I still cry a lot but thats ok. Its going to get better I promise. I usually don't do this but im going to give you my email address if you need someone to talk to about your loss email me at Beckyann20@gmail.com.
Mommy G said…
Rebecca, I'm amazed everytime I stop by your blog it's something I needed to read! I'm with you on keeping up with my blog how do these mommy's have time! Thank you for being so honest. Much Love
Anonymous said…
love, love, love when U do have the time to share... thank U so much for Ur transparency- such an encouragement.. i'm always wondering how so many parents are able to consistantly blog too... Pray the continues to strengthen U all. As always can't thank Yall enough for being so willing to share in Ur life's journey. Praying for continual blessings for U all... In His Love, Sharon -from Land O Lakes, FL.

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