What's Cooking?

An eggstravagant trip to Wal Mart

2012-01-03T16:49:00.003-07:00

A few days ago I had to make one last run to the grocery store for a few things. I had been to the store a few times that week already, so what was one more trip.

Grocery shopping with twins is a challenge. With toddlers who don’t walk very fast and don’t fit together in the front seat of the cart anymore, I had to resort to putting them in the basket and our groceries in the front seat, underneath the cart, and all around the girls. It’s especially challenging if I end up getting lots of canned goods, which Piper loves to stack and then un-stack. I’m pushing my cart through the aisles like it’s an obstacle course, Piper was moving cans around and Lily was standing up and then sitting down.

A few items multiplied into something like 20 and I found myself standing in the paper towel, zip-lock, and trash bag aisle for my last item. I had been telling the girls to sit down the entire trip so I decided that they could stand up while I looked for some extra huge zip-lock bags. Plus, I parked the cart next to the paper towels so I figured they couldn’t hurt those, right? Right.

It turned out that allowing them to have some freedom wasn’t the brightest choice in my brain that morning. As I was squatting down by the lowest shelf inspecting too many choices, I heard these sounds: SPLAT, DRIP, CRACK, CRUNCH!! And then I heard the girls say, “Uh-oh!!” which happens to be their favorite thing to say, by the way.

I whirl around to see Lily pulling the egg carton lid up and subsequently dumping nearly all 18 eggs out and onto the floor and through our cart with its load of groceries. As I surveyed the scene, there were raw eggs dripping everywhere, eggshells hanging from the metal bars of the cart, and egg whites and yolks making little puddles around my cart like it had rained on us.

I’m not really sure what all I said in the next 90 seconds, but I’m sure it sounded something like, “No! Sit down! Yucky! No touch! Ewww!! No! Sit down, Lily! Piper, no touch, yucky! Oh this is so gross! No touch! Yucky!” Piper was eyeing her precious cans that were now oozing with egg whites and broken yolks. She reached out for them and made her toddler-like, universal noise that says, “I need that!!” I hurriedly told her an emphatic “no” that she couldn’t have them because they were now contaminated with raw grossness! Lily continued to sound the alarm with gleeful shouts of “uh oh” and “wow!”

My brain was going 900 miles an hour trying to figure out what to do with my children and this mess we were now in. That’s when I realized that I really could not have picked a better aisle to be in. Just down the row lay my saving grace: antibacterial hand wipes! I grabbed a tub of them, yanked open the top, pulled half of them out, and began to rub down the girls hands, our groceries, and anything else I saw that had been contaminated!

And while standing in our eggy mess, a mom with twin boys walked by and one of the boys asked me what happened. I told him the story and he then said to me, “Well, you’re going to need some more eggs!” And he was right.

Happy New Year and Happy Thanksgiving??

2012-01-03T16:17:00.008-07:00

A new year and new resolutions, right? My latest edition of Everyday Food magazine had light recipes on every page! The TV will soon start playing commercials about slim fast, joining a gym, or buying some machine that you can store under your bed and it will make you look like a weight lifter if you follow these three easy steps. It's everywhere folks, so I might as well accept that a new year has started and either make goals or don't.

We were talking about goals the other day with some friends over lunch and one of mine was to blog more. And so, to start the new year off right, I thought I would go ahead and check one thing off my list of resolutions! You're so jealous of me right now, aren't you? With more blogging in mind, since I promised an update on our Thanksgiving feast and photos, here they are. I'm just a little over a month late, not bad!

And, check!! That one is done!

The view of our dining room before we all descended upon it.

Each person had a paper plate for brunch, a regular plate for the big meal later that day, a cute card made by yours truly for writing down the 5 things we were thankful for, and 5 kernels of corn to signify each. I also gave everyone as a gift the cute little glittery pine cones that served as place cards. Great idea Crate and Barrel!

Here we are having brunch and reading the story of the pilgrims, also writing down our list of 5 things. We shared them later after the story and over dinner/the feast!

Lily and her friend Caleb, playing under the table while the adults kept on reading. All the kids did remarkably well for the meal!

And the spread for the feast! Yumm-o!! Big time deliciousness!!

Everyone brought a dish or two to share, which made the meal so yummy and so fun!! And so unique!

And of course, I went a little overboard and made some compound butters to go with our rolls and potatoes. The bright pink one was a cranberry and cinnamon butter and the tan one was my favorite: sage and brown butter! So good! As we were sharing what we were thankful for, one of our friends said he was thankful for compound butter. :) I thought he was joking but he actually wrote it down on his card!

The turkey that I conquered!! I know you all were hoping I would post a pic of it.

And the carnage of the pumpkin pecan praline cheesecake that I made. So yummy and decadent! I could have eaten the praline by itself it was so good!!

And a shot of the hostesses! We gave Jacob a turkey leg for the meal, for being the turkey that he is. :)

It was a grand time! Really fun and lots of great people!

Day 23

2011-11-23T22:45:00.003-07:00

23. I am grateful for a few things today. One is for how I felt my day was extended and am totally amazed at all that I accomplished today. I am so grateful for days like these when I can get in bed without feeling super rushed or that I forgot to do something important.

The second thing that I am grateful for is that even in a grocery store there's grace to be found. Even when it involves twin toddlers, mommy looking on the shelves and not paying attention, and...wait for it... an 18-count carton of eggs. Yep. That's right. Eggs, all over the floor, our cart, dripping down our cans, and on my kids clothes and hands.. thank goodness also for being in the aisle where there were sanitizing hand wipes! The rest of that story along with some photos to come after Thanksgiving.

I get to host tomorrow! Oh and, we've upped our numbers for Thanksgiving. Eleven adults and eight children! Woo hoo! I'll also post pics of our Thanksgiving feast once I wake up from my food coma. :)

Day 20

2011-11-22T09:30:00.002-07:00

20. This might be a strange one but, I am thankful for pain. For how God uses pain in our lives to help us trust him better. Pain also helps me appreciate the times in my life when I experience joy and delight!

21. I am grateful for new days. The chance to have a fresh start. The reminder that God's mercies are new every morning. What a gift!

22. I am thankful for Panera and some time to myself!!

Day 19

2011-11-19T15:29:00.000-07:00

19. I am thankful to be hosting Thanksgiving this year, at our house! We will have 9 adults and 7 kids, ages 4 years old to 6 weeks. It is going to be exciting, to be sure! I'll for sure post pics on what we end up having, it's going to be epic and delicious!

Day 18

2011-11-18T15:27:00.002-07:00

18. Everyday, I am so thankful that Jesus Christ is always the same. He never changes, never fails, never leaves us. And while my life will shift and change and take on new form and challenges, He will always be my constant, my Rock, and my Fortress that is strong and can never be moved.

Day 16 and 17

2011-11-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

16. I am so grateful for new life! I just became an Aunt to another precious little life! My brother Samuel and wife Stephanie just welcomed their fourth kiddo into this world: baby boy Max Van Rainey!! He is so precious and has already stolen my heart with his little fingers and handsome face! I can't wait to meet him! (p.s. Doesn't Stephanie look awesome for having just delivered!? Gorgeous!)

17. I am thankful for girls' night out with one of my best friends, Janine! She is taking me out for my b'day where we will consume delicious sushi, wine, and maybe even a movie!! Can't wait!

Days 13, 14, and 15

2011-11-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

13. I am grateful for laughter! What a gift and delight to my heart when I hear my husband, kids, or myself giggling with joy! Music and medicine to my soul.

14. I am thankful for change. Specifically, the change in seasons. I really am grateful that I live in a place where I can see the seasons change dramatically from one to the next. It's so amazing to watch. Almost as if I've never seen it before or maybe that means my memory is horrible.

15. I am so grateful for the gift of family. And when I say that, I think that I have really been thinking lately about how having such a great family means I am not alone in this world. And it would just really be no fun to be alone. So.. I am glad that I am not alone, selfishly. :)

Day 12

2011-11-12T11:06:00.004-07:00

12. MOPS. Seriously, how wonderful is that? I love my Mops group and all those great and wonderful moms who I get to spend time with a few times a month! It is such a great group of women, all figuring out this thing together called parenting. I really am grateful for the steering team, the small group leaders, the members, the new moms, and the place in which we get to meet! It's so wonderful and uplifting in lots of different ways!

Day 11

2011-11-11T23:15:00.001-07:00

11. I am thankful for weekends away from life, my kids, most responsibilities, deadlines, alarm clocks, and the like. Reconnecting with my husband and having uninterrupted time together to talk through important matters, run errands together, and veg out on the couch after a long day of doing nothing. :) What a blessing to my soul! I already feel recharged and it's only been 24 hours! Bliss!!

Soo here's to sleeping in tomorrow morning!! Cheers!

Day 10

2011-11-10T10:43:00.001-07:00

10. My church! Ahh, so nice! I am so glad that we have such an awesome church to attend! And that we can go there without any fear or worries like I know some people do in other countries. How nice is that?! And something that I know I take for granted a lot of times.

Our church, Flatirons Community Church, is just so great. I love how authentic it is, how we are one big melting pot of people, backgrounds, and ideas, and our staff are just so great! Thanks to our church for being so wonderful and such a great place to go to for spiritual encouragement and refreshment of my soul!

You can check it out here!

Day 9

2011-11-09T10:47:00.003-07:00

9. Wow, we live in a pretty great house! I am super happy and thankful for the gem of a home that we live in. We found it in a foreclosure market, with all the upper cabinets missing, the appliances ripped out, holes punched into the walls, and the basement railing completely knocked out of where it should have been. It is so nice and has so much room and space for our family! I am so grateful!!

Here's to being grateful for a roof over our heads, heating in the winter, and air conditioning in the summer!! I am so blessed!!

Pears on pizza?

2011-11-08T11:07:00.002-07:00

Yes.. it's so deliciously tasty, you just might have to go out and make this for dinner tonight. I first had it when I was at my friend Rachael's house for a Pampered Chef cooking show. We made the pizza, with it's crispy sweet bacon on top, and I was drooling over the one piece that I did get. We should have made two pizzas because I could have eaten that entire thing!! So yum!

Do make it soon and savor over the sweet pears, crispy bacon, and cream cheese and scallion sauce. It's that good!

Pear and Bacon Pizza

1/2 package of bacon
1/4 tsp. chili powder
1 tsp. lemon juice
1/4 cup chopped green onions
1/3 cup pecans, chopped
1/4 cup fresh basil
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 pear
4 oz. cream cheese, softened
1 12-inch pizza crust
1/3 cup crumbled feta cheese
Honey (optional, but why would you skip this part?)

In a small prep bowl, mix the brown sugar and chili powder. Place a cooling rack inside a jelly roll pan and line with bacon. Sprinkle brown sugar mixture on top of bacon. Bake in a 400 degree oven until crispy and delicious, about 10 minutes. Preheat oven to 450. Slice pears into thin slices and toss with lemon juice, set aside. Finely chop green onions and then mix with cream cheese and black pepper. Spread over crust.

Chop bacon and add to crust. Arrange pear slices over the bacon, then add the pecans and top with feta cheese. Bake for 12-14 minutes or until cheese begins to melt and brown. Remove pizza and sprinkle with basil. Drizzle honey only if you desire.

It makes 10-12 appetizer servings and about 3 dinner servings. So make a few if you're serving a crowd!!

Day 8

2011-11-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

8. Today I am thankful for moments of peace and quiet. They are often few and far between now that I'm a mom of twin toddlers, but when I do have a moment to myself I savor it for all its worth.
And when my peace and quiet is interrupted, I hope that I am able to be grateful for what I did have instead of wishing for more or having regrets.

Day 7

2011-11-07T17:46:00.000-07:00

7. Today I am so grateful for the beauty that I get to see each and every day living here in Colorado. The mountains are majestic and gorgeous! They are always changing and in the fall you might see snow in the morning and then it's mostly gone by the late afternoon.

This is what we saw from our front yard on Halloween night, just before taking the girls trick or treating. So stunning and even better than this picture shows.

Day 6 of Gratitude

2011-11-06T17:07:00.000-07:00

6. Today I want to tell you a little bit about Hillary. The one who got this whole thing started in my head by giving me the idea! So first off, thanks to Hillary for the great idea! I am loving it a bunch!

Hillary is a delight. She is honorable and authentic, warm and caring, heartfelt and lovely. She is just wonderful.

You see, I not only get to be her mentor but I also get the privilege of having her pour love, attention, and time into our little girls. She has such a great heart for them. So loving, so sweet, and at times more consistent in making sure they do their sign language than I am! She lives in our basement and we get to have in our lives every day which is just plain fun!

Hillary has graced our lives with far more than just babysitting. She has brought so much more to our world through her wonderful desire and ability to dream up great ways of celebrating life. One great story of how she celebrates so well is when summer had ended. She told us both that we had to celebrate the end of summer and then the beginning of fall! SO, that very night, the last night of summer, the three of us went outside, made s'mores in our fire pit, and talked about our favorite memories of the summer! We even brought out a speaker and played summer inspired tunes like The Beach Boys! It was so much fun and such a great memory maker!

The following morning, she and I baked up some apple cinnamon scones and drank hot apple cider with a cinnamon stick! Then we had a wreath hanging ceremony where we hung up our Fall wreath on the front door! So great! It was so much fun and so simple to do! I absolutely loved it!

Here she is! The woman of the day! Hillary made me a birthday cake complete with 31 blazing candles!! AND, she cleaned out my car on top of keeping the girls for the afternoon and evening while my mom and I celebrated my birthday with shopping! She's amazing!

Today, I am supremely grateful for ALL the things you do for us, Hillary! Thank you so much for being such a beautiful light in our lives and for caring for us so well and so much! We love you tons!

Trick or Treat!!

2011-11-06T10:48:00.005-07:00

I realize it's now been almost a week since we all went door to door with our kids decked out in costumes and consumed way too much sugar in one sitting, but I just had to share some pics of the girls.

This year they went as cupcakes!! And yes, they are as yummy as they look!!

Posing for pics in front of our house. With Tank and Lambchop in the ranks.

I went as the Baker, with my apron as my costume. I forgot to grab Jacob's apron before we left, which I'm sure he was grateful for. :) Oh and the girls are holding mini fake pumpkins.

LOVING the candy choices! A sucker in Piper's mouth, another in her right hand, and a candy bar in her left! Options, people! It's all about options! Lily also loves having several choices. :) All they ate that night were those little mini tootsie pop suckers and some m&m's.

Day 5 of being grateful

2011-11-05T16:16:00.000-06:00

5. This glorious day just so happens to be the twins 19 month birthday! And SO... I am choosing them as what I am thankful for on this day! Of course, I am thankful for them every day of their lives!!

Piper: She is such a peanut and spunky little thing! Her hair is straight as a stick and long enough for the cutest pig tails! The other day I dressed her in a little animal print dress and put her hair in pig tails and Jacob exclaimed that she looked like the little girl from Flintstones! Pebbles!

Piper is both a snuggle bug and wiggle worm!! She loves to snuggle and then loves to sit up and move on to something else. Her smile is beautiful and I love to tickle her just so I can stare at it! Her eyes are still as blue as ever and she is constantly looking around and on the go.

She loves her sweet pea blanket when she sleeps or rides in the car and is obsessed with books! When I'm driving somewhere I'll glance in the rear-view mirror and see her holding a book on her lap like she's reading the paper! It's so great to see! I absolutely love it!

One of the things I have been doing with her lately when I put them down at night is stick my face up next to the rails of her crib and ask for a kiss. She always giggles like she's about to be tickled and then eventually comes over and pushes her face up next to mine and I kiss her all over!! Then I reach in and tickle her like crazy!

Lily: Oh my sweet Lily Boo!! What a precious little girl who has the cutest waddle when she walks around the house! It is hysterical! She has stolen our hearts with her warm smile and soft cheeks! She also loves to cuddle, especially when she has just woken up from her nap. It's the best!!

Lily is obsessed with blankets! She loves anything soft and that is capable of being wrapped behind her back and over her head. She'll even pull my scarf off my neck and pull it behind her so that she can snuggle with me. It's really so sweet. One of the reasons she likes blankets is because her dad will take her on a ride in one of the blankets from our living room. It's one of those thick red ones that she'll pull off the couch and drag over to her Daddy, all the while saying "Ooooh Oooooh Ooooh Ooooh!"

She has the warmest and rosiest cheeks ever! And those in addition to her little rosebud mouth makes her the most beautiful Lily ever! While her sister has straight hair, Lily has curls! I'm told they come from my mom's mother. I can also put her hair in pig tails and since she has some curl, her tails curl up in every direction! It's really fun how different she is from Piper!

When we are riding in the car, Lily also likes to read and she sometimes likes to steal things from Piper. One time, I looked back and they were both touching feet across their seats! It was really enjoyable to watch and listen to since they were both giggling incessantly. Speaking of feet, if it were up to Lily, she would never wear shoes or socks longer than 5 seconds. She loves to put them on and then take them off! The great thing about tights are that they can't be pulled off like socks! Haha! Another thing she loves to do is cross her ankles when she's in her carseat or high chair.

And when it's bedtime, I have a little tradition with Lily as well. She lays down on her back and puts her feet up in the air and then I pull her blanket up in the air and lay it over her so that she can kick it off! Or, I'll stick my fingers through the holes and tickle her neck which makes her giggle with delight.

I love my twin girls!! They fill my heart with joy and happiness! And I am just so blessed and so thankful for them today and every day!

Gratitude: day 4

2011-11-04T15:44:00.000-06:00

On this day 4 of gratitude, I am so grateful for the abilities that God gave me in the kitchen! I really love to do both cooking and baking! It is such a great thing and I feel like I get so much accomplished when I make a meal that turns out really well. I feel such pride in myself and the best part is seeing those I love the most enjoying something that I worked hard on.

And speaking of cooking, I have to share this recipe with everyone! Even though we have snow on the ground, I still consider it to be Autumn and therefore am making and eating lots of soup these days! Which reminds me, I need to whip up a big batch for the weekend.

Ok, so here's the recipe I made last week:

Butternut Squash Soup
(from The Kitchen, in Boulder) An excellent restaurant with delish food and wine!

Notes:
This can be made with any winter squash, which usually start coming in around October. You’ll need about 1 1/2 pounds of peeled and chopped flesh, so when buying a squash, weigh it and imagine that you will lose a small percentage of the weight.

This recipe involves a very basic technique that can be used for almost any hardy vegetable; just changing the seasoning as desired. We puree the soup, but you can also serve it unblended. Serve piping hot with a glug of olive oil, grated cheese, or just straight up … but you really do need some crusty bread with butter.

Ingredients:
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 large onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, sliced
2 sprigs fresh thyme, leaves removed from stems
Pinch of crushed red pepper
Salt and pepper
1 medium butternut squash
A few grates of fresh nutmeg
2 cups chicken or vegetable stock, or water
1 cup heavy cream

Instructions:

1. In a large saucepan over low heat, melt butter; add onion, garlic, thyme, crushed red pepper flakes, a pinch of salt, and a couple of turns of the pepper mill. Cover and leave to sweat for about 15 minutes (you want the onions to be almost melted, without coloring). Add squash and nutmeg, cover again, and sweat for another 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. (This really brings out the flavors of the vegetables and all the sugars.)

2. Increase heat to medium-high and add stock or water. Bring to a simmer, reduce heat, and simmer for 30 minutes or until everything is very soft.

3. Transfer to a food processor or blender (or use an immersion blender) and puree to a smooth soup. Return to pot and add cream; heat through. Adjust seasoning with salt and pepper.

I doubled the recipe when I made it so that I could eat more and maybe put some in the freezer for later. I think I froze a quart of it and we ate the rest. :) It's just that good and so simple.

Here are some pictures from when I made it last week. Even the twins helped!

Piper and Lily are both becoming more interested in what we do in the kitchen. So I pulled up chairs for them and had them put the squash cubes in a big bowl for me while I chopped the rest! The twins really had fun digging their hands in the cubes!

Here is everything simmering away and smelling wonderful. Squash, thyme, garlic, onions, butter.. yum!

Don't you just love the color of this soup! It's so pretty! The soup being pureed in my food processor. You could also use an immersion blender.

Mixing in the cream.

And the final product! A bowl full of yumminess! I drizzled some olive oil, a grate of parmesan, and even some extra nutmeg. But seriously, just eat it straight up with some bread. That's the best way. It's so good on its own that you don't even need all the extras on top. Just bread and butter on the side.

Now, go make it and tell me what you thought of it!

Focusing on Gratitude

2011-11-03T15:38:00.002-06:00

I was at coffee a few days ago with an exceptional young woman who I am mentoring. Her name is Hillary and we were talking about gratitude as we drove home. She gave me a fabulous idea.

Write one thing I am thankful for each day for the month of November. Hmmm.. I think I can do that! Well, truthfully I know that I can do that it's just making sure I don't forget to share those things here!

So I know I am a few days behind so I'll do three things to kick things off with a bang!

Gratitude ensues!

1. I am most eternally grateful for Jesus! How He saved my soul from eternal separation from Him and how He loves me unconditionally at all times! I am so grateful!!

2. I am definitely grateful for the one man in my life who knows me better than anyone else and continues to commit himself to me every day of his life! Thank you, Jacob, for being faithful and true, for loving me so incredibly well, and for making my life so much fun!

And one for today...
3. SNOW! I love the snow! I am enjoying these big snowfalls we've had recently. They make everything so pretty and sparkly! I just love it and am so glad that we get to experience it!

Speaking of grief...

2011-10-17T16:38:00.002-06:00

My short stint in Texas with an amazing ministry was full and worth every minute. I really enjoyed my time there and met some amazing moms and dads, all of whom are working their hardest at going through this journey called grief.

I arrived at the church where the event was to be taken place and walked down a sidewalk and on either side of me were huge bunches of balloons all tied together. Pink, blue, and white (for miscarriage). I had no problem preparing myself for the next few hours because grief was in front of me all the time. The balloons, the t-shirts that families came in wearing with their babies names or footprints on them, a memory table for you to display anything you wanted that had to do with your baby(ies), mommies wiping away tears, people hugging one another, etc. It was so moving and so sad. So many losses and so many hurting hearts. I could not help but think about how wonderful Heaven would be for so many. It just put it into perspective for me just how many people out there are going through loss and grief.

The ceremony went well. They sang a few songs, some of which I helped pick out. Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus, Untitled Hymn by Chris Rice, and Jesus Loves me. The songs were sung by someone they had come in for the music, not the actual songs played over the speakers. I think that helped me because I wasn't so emotional going up to speak just after hearing Untitled Hymn. It was still hard to hear, but it could have been harder had it been Chris Rice singing it. (Untitled Hymn was the song we had played at Molly's memorial service. It was the last song we listened to before we went outside to release balloons to Heaven for her.)

Then there was a time where two of the women who help with the walk got up and read off the names of all 140 babies who were being remembered that day. That was incredible hard to listen to. And when each name was read, the families of that baby would get up and place an ornament on a magnolia tree to remember them. It was really bittersweet.

I got up to speak and the first thing I said to everyone was "I wish I could hug each and every one of you and tell you how sorry I am for your losses." I was just so moved by all the sadness in the room and all the hurting hearts. It was so palatable. So heavy with hurt.

I went on with my talk, spoke mostly about Molly's story and talked basically about how we can have perspective in the midst of loss and pain and suffering. I just shared with them my own journey through grief and loss and then encouraged them to put their hope and trust in Jesus to help them through this most difficult season.

It went really, really well. I saw a lot of nodding heads while I was speaking and a lot of people crying along with me when I talked about removing life support from Molly. I did start to cry a few times but it never lasted long and I was able to get through it which was good.

Then we all went outside, got balloons for our babies, and then did a short walk and released them into the gorgeous blue sky. The weather could not have been better. It was dry and warm and absolutely no humidity!

Then I stood at the resources table and sold a few of my books and signed a few as well. I got to tell several of the moms and dads how sorry I was and got to hug a few too. It felt good for me to hug them and tell them how sorry I was. I genuinely felt their pain because I am where they are.

All in all, it was a fantastic trip. I am SO glad that I went and did it. I was so nervous but so glad that I followed through with it. It was a great reward for me. I also really enjoyed the quiet and the time alone. It was refreshing for my soul and heart. I was able to rest and do a lot of thinking and processing.

Thanks so much for the prayers!! I am SO grateful for them all!!

First ever speaking engagement!!

2011-09-30T21:27:00.002-06:00

I am so delighted to be doing my very first speaking engagement for a truly wonderful organization called MEND. It stands for Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death. There are several chapters across Texas, Oklahoma, and even my home state of Arkansas!

I will be speaking for the chapter in Houston, TX! I was so excited to take a plane ride, by myself. And walk into my hotel room, by myself. Eat dinner, by myself. Have breakfast tomorrow, by myself. I think you get the point.

I am speaking about grief and loss and the perspectives that I have gained as a result of going through those losses. I'll mostly be sharing Molly's story and about how her precious little life drew me closer to the heart and throne of Jesus.

Pray with me that the power of the Holy Spirit will speak through me and use me as a tool to share the hope and grace of Jesus Christ to those who do not know Him. That it would not be me that they hear, but instead the gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit beckoning their hearts towards Him. I am just so humbled and in awe that I get to do this.

Woo hoo!! I am super excited and probably will be really nervous come tomorrow. I hope I can sleep, but if not, oh well! I'll sleep great tomorrow! :)

I do not envy people with office jobs!

2011-09-16T23:13:00.002-06:00

I have just spent my second full day in a leather office chair, around a conference table, watching slides go by rather slowly and listening to various people talk and talk some more. I have been away from my twin girls both days and am ready to be a mom again.

I am exhausted. Both mentally and physically. Thankfully, it's the weekend.

To put it plainly, these classes are part of our journey towards adoption. They are required for international adoption. For a few years now, both Jacob and I have been praying and seeking God’s will for our family. We have wanted to adopt for some time and it seems that God is working alongside us and directing us as we work towards that goal. And we are really excited about this!

I’m sure this will feel like such a tease, but for now that is all that I have to share. We don’t have any particulars in place, no specific child we have chosen, not even where we will be adopting from has been decided.

We will share more as we know more.

For now, we covet your prayers for us as a family. Your prayers mean a lot and we look forward to sharing more soon.

Happy 3rd Birthday Molly!

2011-06-13T10:39:00.003-06:00

Precious girl,
How is that three years have flown by already? I am so thankful that my memories of you are still so fresh and clear. I remember all the moments of holding you in my arms, feeling your little chest rise and fall with each breath, and kissing your sweet skin from top to bottom.

Yesterday I visited your doorway with several close girlfriends. It was truly a wonderful time, remembering you in various ways, and feeling so proud of you for the way you continue to touch so many lives in such a profound way. It is true that one day our bodies will fail and God will beckon us to his throne, calling us to leave behind this fragile world. And when we do go Home, we leave behind us a legacy. You, my precious daughter, have left quite the legacy. You have brought so many to feet of Jesus. You have taught others what it means to enjoy each and every moment we are given, for it might be the last. You have been embraced by so many, even those we will never meet this side of Heaven. Molly, you have shown your Mom and Dad what it means to build our foundation on Jesus Christ.

Matthew 7:24-27
²⁴ “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ²⁶ But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. ²⁷ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

I cannot and do not ever want to imagine what it would be like to walk through grief and not know our Savior Jesus. What a tragedy and what hope would I have? None. And yet, I can only pray that those who do not know Jesus would come to know him through grief and be changed forever.

Molly, thank you for showing us to the feet of Jesus. For giving us a renewed perspective on our relationship with the Lord and how we cannot do this life alone. I miss my sweet girl so very much! I wish I could hold you in my lap and read you a bedtime story, tucking you into bed and kissing you on your sweet cheeks. I cannot wait till one day, not too far from now, when I will be called home as you were and when I will no longer shed tears of pain and sorrow. I will not be able to stand on my feet, but collapsing to the ground as I open my arms and watch you run with joy towards me! Your laughter, your smile, your joy, your precious heart! I cannot wait to hear you, see you, and feel you all over again!! What a reunion it will be! I cannot wait!

Until then, I love you so much!

Mommy

Easter!!

2011-05-26T14:43:00.006-06:00

Easter was so much fun!! The girls had a blast with all the eggs we had in our house. We even did Easter baskets, mostly practical things like socks, a watering can, sidewalk chalk, and a few toys. No candy in the baskets, but that's because they found plenty of it hidden around the house!! Piper was really good at finding those eggs too. I didn't even know they were hidden!

Hmmm, I like Easter!! And these plastic egg things that have yummy things inside!!

This is where we found Piper that morning, sitting in the middle of all these eggs. She had pulled the bucket down off the table and then discovered a rainbow of colors! She had cracked one open and was eating through the foil to get to the chocolate. Yum.

Lily and Piper ready for the onslaught of Easter Eggs!!

Pour on the eggs, Daddy!!

Piper liked helping Daddy with this wonderful game of "give the baby more chocolate!!"

Here Lily, have some more!!

They were so excited!! They kept kicking their legs in excitement which resulted in all sorts of eggs flying in various directions. The dogs were a little wary of this.

Piper working on eating through the plastic to get to the good stuff...

Lily is wondering which egg to crack first, blue or yellow?

First Easter baskets!!

Piper was pulling out the yellow grass instead of playing with her new things. Typical.

Lily checking our her Easter basket and wondering what to pull out next.

Then we had an Easter Egg hunt with a total of about 200 eggs and an even bigger total of 4 kids to hunt them. It was brutal!! And the best part about the egg hunt, all of the eggs were left at our house when everyone went home. Maybe that had something to do with the parents wanting nothing to do with any more candy lying around their house. Hmmm.

The lineup! From youngest to oldest: Lincoln Zumalt, Andie Rizner, Isaiah Rizner, and Avery Zumalt.

Piper and Janine, Mommy and Lily, all trying to stay warm by the fire. It was a chilly day to be searching for eggs!

Hmmm, who hid that egg??

Piper

Lily

Mommy and Lily

Piper and Janine, one of our good friends who we used to live down the row from.

Avery is telling Isaiah, "Look!! Eggs in that prickly tree!! Get them for us!!"

The proud hunters and their loot!!

The Twins' Birthday Bash

2011-05-26T14:23:00.005-06:00

Two months ago, the girls celebrated their first birthday. And I would love to share some photos of that fun afternoon!! Check 'em out!

The sign on our front door, "Today we celebrate Lily and Piper's 1st Birthday!"

The dining room, all ready for action! Thanks to my sister, Laura for all of her amazing decorating skills! On either side of the table are posters, one for each twin with pictures of them over the course of their first year! My older sister, Ashley, does that for her boys every year so I thought I would pay her a compliment and copy it! :) After the party, I taped them to their bedroom door. It's always fun to look at them every time I go by their room.

Happy Birthday Piper!!

Happy Birthday Lily!!

The girls!

Piper has given me the thumbs up on my baking skills.

Piper's cake, up close. Check out those dig marks in that cake! Girl wasn't messing around. :)

Lily, on the other hand, not so much a thumbs up. We did find out later she was getting sick which is why she didn't eat much of her cake. Poor baby girl. But I do love her face in this picture! It's her classic face.

Sweet Lily, watching everyone around her instead of digging in to some yummy cake. She did clap for herself at the end of the birthday song! That was a hit!

Piper and her cousin, Gabby, who came to visit for their special occasion!

Welcome back, tears!!

2011-03-31T15:20:00.005-06:00

Ok, so I forgot to write about what we did in January... AND February... AND now March. I don't know how some of you bloggers stay so up to date with your writing. I just can't seem to make it happen! I have had some major writers block lately, so maybe that's part of the problem.

Now that I have my excuses out, on to the good stuff!

In five days we will be celebrating Piper and Lily's first birthday! I just cannot get over the fact that it has been a year since their entry into this world. What an incredible year it has been!! So great and such an overflowing of blessings.

Look at these birthday cuties!!

They don't really care for things on their heads and Piper was way into digging her hand into the hat. That kept her sitting still. Lily, on the other hand, preferred to stare at me and then crawl away. I give some major props to photographers who do this full time. Wow! And they were even my own children!!

A few weeks ago, I quietly celebrated a small milestone of my own. I quit taking my anti-depressants for post partum depression.

Now before some of you get worried about me, I did see my doctor and it is completely fine that I have quit taking them. Part of why I think now is a better time to stop is because I am no longer nursing the twins, as of November 2010. I feel like between then and now I have had a chance to allow my body to regulate all those pesky hormones as much as possible.

The other reason I wanted to get off of them is because for the past year I have been physically unable to feel emotion. It is quite the feeling for me, one who is totally and completely in touch with her emotional side. In the past, I have even been made fun of for being so emotional. So for me to not be able to cry or be sad was really odd and an uncomfortable feeling.

Since weaning off my depression meds, I have had ZERO problem crying. In fact, I almost feel like all the crying I've done lately is making up for a years worth of putting my emotions on hold. Whew!! That's a lot of work, no wonder I feel overwhelmed.

One of the things that has caused me to cry so much is thinking about our daughter, Molly, and her short life here on earth. For some reason, our local Christian radio station keeps playing the song we had played at her memorial service, "Untitled Hymn" by Chris Rice. I think I've heard it at least 3 times this week.

The other thing that is keeping my eyes all misty is all the adjusting we're doing with moving into a new place. With moving comes lots of rearranging and unpacking things you never knew you had or wished you had left at your old house. I have more empty picture frames and wonder what I was thinking when I purchased them. Hmmm, maybe I should re-gift some of them? I've also got a ton of what I call "Molly stuff". Before we had the twins, that's all we had on our walls and on shelves. We wanted to remember every small detail about her and also wanted her pictures to be a talking point with those who visited our home. Now, we still want to show her off but we also want to continue living and put pictures up of the twins. But what do I do with her stuff that we aren't using? I know I can't throw it away, but what do I do with it?

Anyway, that's a good bit of detail about me. Probably more than some of you wanted to know. Next time I'll post pics of the girls party! It's going to be: Pink Poodle!! (And we have two mini poodles so it's perfect!!) We're asking for books instead of gifts since the girls have no idea what a present is. They just like to eat the tissue paper. But if it were made of cheese, they would be all over it!! So maybe people could bring cheese covered books or just cheesy books. Ok, now I'm getting slap happy. Time to quite writing. Maybe I don't have writers block anymore. Hmmm.

And December?

2011-01-11T11:55:00.009-07:00

And now for the rest of the story...

In December we made a few trips to Winter Park for some skiing and then one big trip to FL for Christmas festivities at my in-laws house in Lakeland. I can't remember what else I did that month, but I'm sure it included making christmas cookies and mixing peppermint hot chocolate with my coffee in the mornings. Wait, I think I still do that.

When we arrived in Florida, both girls had runny noses and were sprouting new teeth. Lovely. As a result, most people thought that the girls didn't like them or that something was wrong with the way they were holding them or feeding them their bottles. Instead, it was a combination of new teeth, new place, lots of noise, and lots of new faces. They did enjoy their time there in spite of their sore gums.

If you can believe it there was a grand total of 24 people staying under one roof during Christmas. My in laws masterfully fit all 24 of us in their beautiful home and were great hosts to us during our stay. We had many late nights watching movies, cramming 15 people into one hot tub, including the twins, too many loads of laundry to count, a delicious Christmas brunch, and consumed too many goodies which we are all regretting now that the new year is upon us.

One of the highlights of our trip was meeting the twins' cousin Alonna, who was born just 2 months after they were. So fun getting to see her and see the three of them together. They even had matching Christmas jammies!! The low of that trip happened just before we left to go the airport, 10 minutes to be exact. This is where the pink cast comes into play.

While Jacob was wrestling with his sister Kelli, and yes I did say sister, Lambchop must have wanted to get in on the fun and unfortunately ended up getting in the way. During the wrestling, Jacob stepped back and the bottom of his foot met Lambchops' leg and with a snap that Jacob both heard and felt, we had ourselves a crying pup. Thankfully, the Mutzes know lots of people in Lakeland and we left in a hurry to the animal clinic just up the road. Within 20 minutes we had an x-ray of her broken bone, leg in a splint, pain meds, and a sedative for the plane ride. And if you can believe it, we didn't miss our flight. It was delayed for some reason and so we were able to make it on board with our two kids, two dogs, and lots of sighs of relief.

As for New Years Eve and ringing in the new year of 2011, I was fast asleep and I believe Jacob was up watching The Mentalist, one of his favorite tv shows. We are so boring like that.

And now that December is over and January is already off to a great start, stay tuned for how we spent the first of the new year and where the girls went on their first sled ride.

Lily and Piper over our Christmas trip in FL. Aren't those tights just the cutest? And the outfits too!!
Christmas jammies under the Christmas tree!!
At home in their nifty high chairs that attach to our counter! Genius!
Sweet Lily and her little Elf hat
The girls in these cute little elf outfits that Zaza (Grandma Mutz) gave to them before we came for Christmas. Aren't they just adorable?! And of course, Piper and her usual eyes wide open look. Love her! And Lily too.

Lily
Piper
Lily, Alonna, and Piper
Alonna's brother Noah, squeezing oranges for Zaza. And looking quite adorable in his little apron!
Piper standing up!! How did we go from crawling to standing up in a matter of a week? Huh?!

And here's the poor pup in her pink cast with the two wrestlers...
Poor thing!! But she runs with it no problem!!

What happened to November?

2011-01-10T22:30:00.010-07:00

It has been quite a while since I last updated everyone and a lot has happened. I won't bore you all with every last detail of the past few months, but I did want to hit the high points.

In November, the four of us, along with our two fuzzy companions, boarded a plane bound for Little Rock to celebrate Thanksgiving. While there, we would stuff our faces with turkey, dressing, pumpkin pie, and my grandma's famous chocolate chip cookies that seem to disappear faster with each year. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all got to meet the girls which was really fun. Silly as it may be, I also looked forward to having the girls sleep in my old room at my parents house. In that room, my mom turned my old closet into a sweet nursery complete with a crib that had brown and pink bedding. Both the twins took a turn in that crib for naps and bedtime. It was fun to finally get to use it after several years of using that room but not the nursery. A big surprise was a fun visit with my bff from high school, Christy Hutchins. She got to see the girls and play with them and we even got to talk some too.

Piper and Papa
Lily and Piper sitting on their new quilt that my Aunt Judy made for them!!
Piper waving and Lily trying to eat her foot during bathtime.
The twins with their Great Grandparents!
Lily and her favorite Aunt Laura
My friend Christy and Piper, who I think is trying to eat Christy's nose.
Lily and Daddy
Lily boos
Lily and Piper ready for their Thanksgiving feast!

Piper started trying to crawl this month as well but was only good at the rocking back and forth part. She would get on all fours and then decide she wasn't ready and sit back down. Lily learned how to hold her own bottle which was an exciting moment! And soon after getting home from Thanksgiving, Piper started holding her bottle as well. And after that I promptly stowed away the bottle holders! Woo hoo! They also picked up on eating solids without gagging which was a big hurdle. I was getting so tired of making food that they weren't eating and trying to figure out how to get them to try it without forcing it down their throats.

And with that, stay tuned for all the exciting news of December! There's even a pink cast thrown into the mix for good measure! Who does it belong to? In the words of my father when he used to tell us bedtime stories with a cliffhanger, "You'll have to wait till tomorrow to find out the rest of the story!!"

Grief Revisited

2010-11-22T11:21:00.003-07:00

Every Sunday we help lead the grief workshop at our church. A new group of precious souls have joined together for the next 8 weeks to work through their grief over a loved one who has died and I am honored to get to be there with them and to share our own story.

There are some precious mommas in our small group of couples who have lost babies or young children. The newness of their grief journey has renewed the grief in my own heart. Seeing how close they are to have held their children, seen their precious faces, and kissed them makes me long for Molly and Micah all the more.

As the holidays are getting closer, we have talked in our small group about how to deal with the days that are coming near and how to honor their babies in a way that honors our Lord. Most everyone at one point or another has said that they are dreading the holidays and that they wish they could just skip them. I remember feeling those exact things a few years ago. That first Thanksgiving and Christmas were awfully hard to get through and part of me wished to skip the whole lot and move on to a new year. But I didn't skip either holiday and I am glad that I didn't. Yes, they were difficult, but there were also some sweet moments as well.

And so, I pray for our little small group this week of Thanksgiving when giving thanks is incredibly difficult to do. I ask you, Lord, that you meet them where they are and that you would provide for them in surprising ways that are unmistakably you. That they would experience sweet moments of grace like I did and that you would give them grace for the hard moments that will likely come as well.

Pictures!!

2010-09-29T23:39:00.002-06:00

Some pics of the girls from the past few months. My, how time flies!! They are growing so fast, it's almost scary!

Two sets of Twin Cousins: Will Alt, Piper Mutz, Lily Mutz, and Isaac Alt

Lily and Piper in their bumbo seats

Lily and Piper soaking up some rays in their cute suits!!

Lily

Piper wearing the cute suit that I had purchased for Molly when I was pregnant with her. I found it on sale at GapKids and bought it on a whim that we would have a girl. It was fun to put her in it.

The girls at 4 months!

2010-08-03T22:16:00.007-06:00

Lily and Piper

They are now 4 months old and yesterday I set them up to take some pictures of them and all their cuteness.

They are getting so big, so fast!! I just cannot believe how much they are smiling and how expressive they are becoming! We are absolutely loving seeing their different personalities and watching them develop and grow. They are loving their hands and like to have them in front of their faces at all times, especially when they are eating.

Piper has begun trying to roll over. The problem is, she doesn't even like being on her tummy so I am probably going to laugh when she actually does it and then decides she doesn't like it but can't turn back over. It will be funny but very frustrating for her, I'm sure.

Lily is content to lie on her back and when she sleeps, she always has her arms up above her head like she's laying in a hammock. She doesn't care to be rocked to sleep or held when she's tired, she would rather be put down wide awake and fall asleep on her own.

Piper likes to sleep on her side and will sometimes get to be on her side with her head tilted back in an arch. She was like that in the womb, so it's natural that she still does it. When she was born, her nose was a bit flattened because her head had been tilted back and pressed upwards.

They are both finding their voices and love to smile, coo, shriek with delight, and sometimes laugh! It is just so much fun to watch their eyes move around and to see them smiling at you when you aren't even looking at them. Makes me feel so loved!

I am so giddy when I go in to get them in the morning or when I am feeding them their bottles and they stop drinking to smile at me. It makes my heart feel incredibly full and so happy! They are such a delight!

Molly's Birthday celebrations

2010-06-23T23:01:00.002-06:00

Here are some pictures of our time celebrating Molly's precious life.

Piper and Lily are all smiles for their big sister, Molly.

The girls and I with Molly's birthday decorations.

Daddy and Piper.

Happy 2nd Birthday Molly Ann

2010-06-13T21:44:00.002-06:00

Just wanted to share some pictures from the first 48 hours of her life. We have enjoyed celebrating her life today and will continue to all week as we reflect on the joy she brought just 2 years ago. Amazing how time goes so fast. Amazing what we walked through 2 years ago and what we experienced. Incredibly life changing.

I am forever changed by her, by the grace given to us by God. She is, and will forever remain, my precious Molly Ann. No one will ever replace her, not now and not ever.

Hugs and kisses.
Mommy

Twin of the Week

2010-06-01T14:21:00.004-06:00

Lily and Lambchop

Me and Piper

Hungry girls!!

Miss Lily

Snuggle bugs: Piper and Lily

One of the funny things about having twins is deciding which one to hold or snuggle or love on. We aren't usually just holding one of them without trying to console the other or changing ones diaper and then the other before putting them down for their nap. Jacob realized just a few weeks ago that he was not enjoying them for who they were as individuals because it was all about feeding both of them, changing both of their diapers, or putting them both down for naps. He felt that he would enjoy them more if he was focusing on just one at a time.

So he has now decided on a new tradition, if that's what you'd call it: Twin of the Week. Last week it was Piper and this week it is Lily. When he's focusing on one of them he holds them when we feed them bottles or takes them outside on a little walk. He'll talk to that twin more than the other and really focus on how cute they are or what he likes about them. It's really fun to watch.

By default, I get the other twin each week. So when it's Piper of the week, I get Lily and vice versa. It's really fun for me too because then I get to focus on just one baby too. With one baby we would be focusing on just that baby and their needs and wants and special characteristics. But with two, we have to split our time and focus on both of them at once or each of them separately.

We have been doing really well and the girls are growing like weeds, or at least Lily is. She's probably close to 9 pounds and already growing out of newborn clothes. She's in 0-3 or 3 month stuff but it's still a little big. Lily is also our serious baby. She furrows her eyebrows and is constantly focusing on something or looking around intently. I haven't seen her smile as much as Piper, but I'm sure that will happen soon enough. She likes tummy time and will often fall asleep that way if we let her.

Piper is starting to be very smiley. Last night she grinned and smiled at a neighbor of ours who was holding her. She was just as content as can be and that was fun to see. She is thinner than Lily and is still in newborn clothes. I would guess she is close to 8 pounds if not already. She does not like tummy time, probably due to her acid reflux, but we still have her do it some each day so that she gets used to it. She also cries more than Lily but we also think that is partly because of her reflux and partly her personality.

I'll post more pics later this week after their 2 month check up. I can't believe they are already 2 months old!!

This time last year

2010-05-14T19:43:00.000-06:00

I realized in the wee hours of the morning a few days ago that we were on the eve of Micah's birthday. Yesterday, one year ago, we held in our hands the precious body of our baby. He had fallen asleep in my womb at just 14 weeks and when we finally were able to hold him we were in awe at how perfectly formed he was.

We buried him just a few feet from his sister, Molly. Losing him just 11 short months after Molly was incredibly difficult and in some ways harder for me to deal with than her death was. I experienced intense anger and asked many questions of our God as to the purpose of his life and then death, especially so soon after losing Molly. I felt it like a slap in the face, so personal.

We won't be celebrating his birthday like we will be for Molly in just one month. There won't be a cake or flowers or anything like that. I have just quietly remembered him in my heart and mind as I went about the day. We sent some balloons with hugs and kisses later in the evening as we went on a short walk.

I look at our two precious little girls and see God's hand in all circumstances. We did not deserve Piper and Lily because of the two babies we had lost before. Micah's death doesn't make sense now that we have the twins. I do see that had we continued the pregnancy with Micah, we would not be enjoying Piper and Lily now. We cannot know what God has in store when he allows certain things in our life. We just cannot. For that, I do praise Him for being in control of everything and not allowing me to take control instead. It would all be a mess if I did. :)

This post doesn't make a ton of sense, but I just wanted to share my thoughts and also remember our babies, Molly and Micah. In less than a month we'll be celebrating Molly's second birthday. Amazing how time flies and yet goes so slowly all at the same time.

Counselors for Nashville

2010-05-13T11:48:00.002-06:00

In light of the devastation we have all seen in Nashville, I want to share what my brother Samuel is doing for the people of Nashville affected by the recent flood. He has put together counselors around the city who are giving their time to flood victims who want to work through the grief and devastation they are going through.

Please spread the word about this. You can visit his website here: www.counselorsfornashville.com
Anyone who would like to donate their time to those in need of counseling can contact Samuel through the website and anyone in need of counseling can also get in touch that way. I am sure a lot of my readers know someone in Nashville who might want to utilize these counselors.

While there is an obviously huge physical loss for these people, there is also an emotional loss that cannot be ignored. People have lost their homes, belongings, valuables, things that hold memories from their past, all of which carry an emotional tie. This is incredibly devastating on all levels and these counselors are giving their time to help with the emotional part which is greatly needed.

Samuel was just on a radio show this morning to talk about what he's doing for the city and you can listen to that interview here: CounselorsForNashville on 99.7 WTN.mp3

I am so proud of you, Samuel. You've seen a huge need and done something beautiful in response. I pray that many are helped and blessed as a result of this.

The girls first bath!!

2010-04-27T19:06:00.002-06:00

I just had to share the girls first bath with you! A great friend of Jake's was by for a visit and used his new fancy camera to record it for us!! He did a great job of editing and putting together a great video for us to have.

Jake's parents, Bill and Pam, were in town and so was my older sister, Ashley. It was a real treat to share the bath with all of them.

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBKCUNVBXK4&feature=youtube_gdata

News of the girls

2010-04-22T15:29:00.004-06:00

Our little family of four.

Where have I been for 2 weeks? Well, those of you who have had babies know that answer. Feeding, sleeping, changing diapers, swaddling babies, feeding, eating, sleeping, more diapers, etc.

These two weeks have been a mixture of ups and downs. We are thrilled to have both our girls at home with us and doing what we've been longing to do for so long. I was talking with Jake the other day and it dawned on me that nearly everything I had prayed for during the pregnancy was given to me. I carried the girls to 38 weeks, neither of them had any problems that meant time in the NICU, and we got to take them home when we did just four days later. What a blessing!! We are so grateful!

Some things about the girls that I have found to be worth sharing:

Piper likes to pee when she has no diaper. She peed right when she was born (all over me and the Dr.), she has peed on our bed at least 4 times, she has peed and pooped on my mom, peed on the pediatrician, and peed on the changing table.

Lily, on the other hand, has yet to pee on anything but in her diaper. :)

Piper likes to do back bends when you pick her up. Lily is usually the one who wakes me up at night when it's time for them to eat. While they will both take a pacifier, Piper likes hers more than Lily does.

Lily is our sleeper. Piper is wide-eyed.

Lily has three birth marks: one in her left ear, one on her left thigh, and one on the back of her neck. The one on her neck is just like the one I have on the back of my neck. It comes from my mom's side of the family.

Piper has no birth marks. :)

I feed both girls at the same time and since we've been home, they've been sleeping for 5 hour stretches at night. Really amazing and really wonderful. I don't know what I'm doing right, but I'll keep doing it so long as they keep sleeping like that. :)

As far as the lows, I have been going through post partum depression. It isn't fun and it feels very much like an out of body experience. I don't feel like myself and I have lots of feelings of guilt. I feel guilty for not enjoying the girls more and not loving every minute of it. I do have moments when they are crying and I just smile because I am so thankful for crying babies in my house.

I know that what I'm going through is temporary and normal for a lot of moms. I know that I'm ok and that God is in control. I just need some time and space to get myself back to normal and back to me. I am taking lots of steps to work through what I am feeling and going through and have an incredible support system in my terrific husband and surrounding friends. It has been encouraging to see my Jake and my friends gather around me and love on me in various ways. I am so blessed.

While I will work on posting updates about the girls, I cannot promise that I will be writing much in the next several weeks. I appreciate the prayers of so many and am so grateful that Piper and Lily are here.

Here are some pictures to share:

One proud Daddy and his girls!

Piper Marah Mutz

Lily Mataya Mutz

Pictures!

2010-04-09T15:27:00.003-06:00

Just had to share some pictures from the delivery (don't worry, nothing bloody) and our stay at the hospital! We had a great experience with some really fabulous nurses and doctors. It was even better going home yesterday. I'll share photos from leaving the hospital once I get them on my computer.

We are going HOME!

2010-04-08T10:08:00.002-06:00

I promise to write an update over the weekend, once we are home and all settled. I just have to share with you all that we are...

GOING HOME TODAY WITH OUR GIRLS!!!!

I am so excited and emotional to be taking our precious daughters home to our house!! I am just so ready for this momentous occasion.

We will probably be heading home sometime after lunch and hopefully another nap. :)

The Girls are HERE!

2010-04-05T12:58:00.002-06:00

Giving thanks that Piper 6-5 and Lily 6-10, both 19" long, born at 12:11 and 12:12 are here!
Mom and girls are all healthy...the girls have hair, are really pink, don't look like one another right now, and have GOOD lungs--crying!!!!!

Rebecca is back in her room resting. She is a bit warm from all the anethesia. Her mom is fanning her to cool her down a bit. She wants a POPSICLE!!! Unfortunately she has a really "mean" nurse, it's ice chips instead.

Becs primary emotion right now is "I'M HOT!" and "I want to see my girls!" "I want to hold them!!!!!!!!!"

Jake has posted a video on uTube, try this: www.utube.com/watch?v=Q5WjDkPK1iU

More from Rebecca later! And pictures to follow...

Give thanks with us.

Proud Papa of 16

Papa takes over the blogging

2010-04-05T10:30:00.002-06:00

Hi...hope you don't mind, but Becs has asked me to do the play by play.

She is all smiles and in bed, all wired, heart monitor on the girls...they are kicking it! We are listening to one of the girls having hiccups. Bec's mom is holding two birth certificates. A "twofer". We are talking about if they are "identical twins" that mom's typically paint one of the twins toe nails purple or pink...to be able to not get them confused. Talk about an identity crisis!!!

She goes to the OR in 45'.

Jake was supposed to be putting on his "scrubs" and we think has wandered off...we guess he may be playing Settlers on his i-Phone.

More as the action picks up.

Papa

PS Jake showed up...he looks like a nurse in his blue scrubs!

See our girls sooner!!

2010-04-05T07:10:00.001-06:00

We just got a call from the hospital that they would like to move our c-section up earlier because they also have another c-section to do!! So yeah for getting to see the girls sooner!! Keep those prayers coming!!

Finally here...

2010-04-03T00:25:00.002-06:00

This day has finally dawned. I am just so thrilled that we are here on the 5th and that the girls are still causing a ruckus in my tummy. Oh how I love their kicks and squirms! Calms my little heart as I feel them moving around. :) And I truly cannot believe that we have made it to 38 weeks!! Really, I am seriously grateful that we have made it so far and will hopefully take home baby girls when we go home later this week!! I mean, we might actually get to use our car seats and blankets to take them home and put them in the crib and use the diapers and all of that stuff!! :)

I woke up at 5 this morning to Lambchop scratching at her crate to be let out. I took her outside to do her thing and then tried to go back to sleep. Well, sleep evaded me as my excited heart started fluttering faster and faster.

I got up and talked to my sweet sister Laura while she drove to work and then I talked to my mother in law, Pam. I'm sitting in the nursery, hopefully the last time I'll do this with clean sheets, tags on clothes, new diapers and wipes, and a fully belly. Well, hopefully not the very last time but you get the idea.

I don't know what else to say this morning except that I am just so ready and so glad that I don't have to wait much longer! Just hours instead of days! Thank you all SO much for praying for us constantly over the past 2 years!! We are so grateful and excited to introduce to you all our precious girls.

My dad will be taking over my blog for the day so check back often as he will be updating everyone! We will get to the hospital at 10 and then the c-section will be at 12, unless there are a bunch of emergencies, then they will push back our surgery till they are caught up.

Updates to come, very soon!!

Reason #8

2010-04-03T00:15:00.004-06:00

We have now but ONE, single, solitary day left.. just one small span of 24 hours before we fall head over heels for two little bundles of joy. Ahh, I am without many more words to say as I think of meeting them.

Although I'm sure I have lots more, here is my 8th and last reason as to why I love being pregnant:

I love that it's just me and these babies for 9 months. I get them all to myself, to care for and protect, before they enter the world. After Molly was born and we realized something was wrong, I wanted desperately to snuggle her back into my womb where she was safe and where I sustained her life. I kept her alive and once she was born, there was nothing that I could do to fully protect her like I had for 9 months before. While I knew it was impossible to do, I remember wanting her back in my tummy for the entire week of her life.

It's an incredible opportunity and blessing to grow and nurture a precious life. I am incredibly grateful for another chance to have life inside my body. What a delight and joy!! I have truly loved and delighted in carrying these babies!!

This beautiful Easter morning is so wonderful to wake up to. We have the promise and reminder of Jesus rising from the dead after giving his life for ours on the cross. With his resurrection we have new life and the promise of eternity with him in heaven.

And just like the delicate tulips that are springing up in our yard, we have the promise of new life just around the corner. We wait with delight and anticipation as tomorrow draws closer when we will welcome with open arms these girls we have prayed and prayed for.

Ahhh, I cannot wait!

#7

2010-04-02T13:54:00.004-06:00

We are down to just TWO days left!! Two days till we meet our twin girls! Woo hoo!

Reason number 7 for why I love being pregnant:

I love to dream of our babies and what they'll become as they grow up. I love to imagine that these girls will love cupcakes with swirls of frosting as much as I do and getting donuts with their dad on a Saturday morning. I dream of wrapping them up in my arms when they are scared, reading endless books and stories to them before bedtime, and smoothing the hair away from their face as they sleep. I want them to know just how much I love them and how we've prayed for them since before they were conceived.

I also think of the times that won't be so dreamy and calm, those middle of the nights where we are all crying and badly in need of sleep. Those times when I don't know what to do with the way they're acting towards me or why they don't get along sometimes. Those trips to the grocery store or Target when I have to leave my full cart because of a temper tantrum.

I dream of it all. I want the hard and the easy. The joy of raising kids along with the difficulties.

That's what I love about being pregnant.

#6

2010-04-01T21:50:00.004-06:00

On this Friday, April 2nd, I am thrilled to continue the countdown with just 3 days to go!! Three days and we will get to meet our precious little girls, Piper and Lily.

#6 of why I love being pregnant!

One of the first things that I do when I find out we're expecting is to go out and buy a journal for the new life forming and growing in my womb. I love to write, as if that's a surprise by anyone reading my blog, and it's really fun to write to our kids before we even meet them face to face. I have a journal for Molly and also one for Micah, which has been good for me in grieving their death as well. I can write to them and tell them all the things that I miss about them. For the twins, I have one journal because I didn't know we were having two until several weeks after I had already started writing in it. So for their birth I am going to start one for each of them. :) And I hope to get their footprints and handprints in them as well.

#5

2010-03-31T18:36:00.006-06:00

I can't believe we have just four days left!! Wow! I am really excited!

For today, my 5th reason that I love being pregnant:

#5 I love watching our babies progress each week through some emails I get and a book on their weekly development. It is really neat to me to get to track what is developing this week and what they are doing that's new. Even though I have read through this book already 2 times, I still find it fascinating how their bodies grow and form so intricately and beautifully. What a creative God we serve!

As for an update on my latest appointments, I saw my doctor for the last check-up yesterday. He walked in the room and said, "Well, one more week left." I smiled and said, "Yeah, Monday!" He did a double take and realized that we were down to just several days instead of a week. Good thing I reminded him or he might not have made it to my c-section. :)

We pick up my parents Sunday evening and I'll do my best to sleep before heading to the hospital around 10 a.m. on Monday. We are so thrilled to be closer and closer each day.

Check out a really sweet and fun gift a friend sent me in the mail:

Inside a cute cupcake box are 6 onesies wrapped up with socks and curly barretts on top to look like cute cupcakes!! So adorable and such a fun idea for a gift!! Thanks Meg!

And thanks to everyone else for following my fun reasons thus far and keeping us in your prayers these last few days!

Reason #4

2010-03-30T22:12:00.004-06:00

With just 5 days left, I am ready for reason #4 of why I LOVE being pregnant!

#4 I really do love my maternity clothes! No belts are necessary, just accessorize and look cute! I have some great maternity jeans from target and gap. I am also a huge fan of these great tank tops from Target that I wear under every top, every day.

My clothing options have dwindled in a serious way over the last 2 months. I think I have 3-5 tops that are still kind of long enough and only one pair of jeans that fit comfortably. The others are too tight probably because my hips have done some adjusting. :) I am also loving any sort of exercise pants, but what I don't want is to look like I have given up on life as I stroll through wal mart at a snails pace.

See you tomorrow for reason #5!

Reason #3

2010-03-29T19:20:00.004-06:00

We are now down to 6 days from meeting our girls face to face and I have another great reason for why I love being pregnant.

#3: I am so thankful for such great genes that I can pretty much eat whatever I want when I'm pregnant!

This is especially true with twins on the way. You have to double the amount of calories, calcium, protein, iron, and other essentials to your diet. A great book on twin pregnancies even said to have premium ice cream or milk shakes in order to get the amount of calcium needed in the pregnancy. Because of that, I've been one of Chick-fil-A's biggest customers!!

Why I love being pregnant!

2010-03-29T18:46:00.002-06:00

Reason number 2 on this Monday evening, just 7 days away from having our girls:

I love getting to tell people about the baby or babies I am carrying.

It was fun seeing people react when I was pregnant with Molly and we weren't finding out if we were having a boy or a girl. I didn't really get to do that with Micah since I wasn't really showing that much when we miscarried. But it was fun to tell people that we were pregnant and show off the ultrasounds we had of him.

This time is different because I look like I am about to burst and so people think I am way over due. I've only had one person, a man, ask if I was carrying twins. :) It's been fun to tell people I am having twin girls. At just 20 weeks I was in Texas visiting my friend, Christy, when one of the ladies in her bible study asked if I was due any day. :) I smiled and told her that I was just halfway to the finish line because I was having twins. She was so shocked! I guess I looked like I was pretty close to being done.

Stay tuned tomorrow for reason number 3.

8 Days to go!!

2010-03-26T20:09:00.004-06:00

(Before I begin, I am dedicating this post to one of my readers: Kristin Shope. She is a faithful reader and friend, who would probably prefer that I post something every day as I think she checks my blog that often. :) Thanks for your prayers and support Kristin!)

When I was a kid, it was a really big deal when you went from being 9 years old to 10 years old. You were no longer single digits, you were double digits!! I know, it sounds like I had a boring childhood, but it was really a milestone for me to go from 9-10. I wonder if I'll make it to triple digits??

Ok, so I don't really sit and think about turning 100. I am excited to say that we are in the single digits of our countdown to meeting the girls and hopefully taking them home. Note the word "hopefully".

Now on to what's really going on in my head and heart.

A big mix of everything, all jumbled together. Granted, I am hormonal and tired but in the middle of all those feelings are others that I knew would come to the surface at some point or another.

I am really, really missing Molly.

I am really scared to have these babies and find out something is horribly wrong. (And while I'm at it, please don't tell me that everything is going to be fine. I don't know that and neither does anyone else, except for God of course. I have learned that just because I've lost two babies doesn't mean I deserve to have these two.)

I am feeling sad that I won't be the first to hold them in my arms.

I am angry that I have to wait an hour to be stitched up, or possibly more, before they can be in our room with us. Haven't we waited long enough?

I am ready to meet them and yet not at the same time.

And on some lighter notes...

I am excited that we have made it this far and have had such a great pregnancy!

I am so grateful that they are still kicking me and moving around, letting me know that they are content.

I am thrilled and humbled beyond words that God would give us two precious daughters to take care of.

I love Piper and I love Lily.

The latest update for me and the girls hasn't changed much at all. I did see my doctor last week and had another non-stress test, which I actually look forward to. Everything is on track and looking good.

When I saw my doctor last week I mentioned to him about this new pain I've been experiencing. The bottom line is that the weight of the girls and my uterus, is placing such pressure on my ligaments and joints that at times I experience a painful, pinching sensation in my legs that calls for immediate change in position.

I was at PetsMart the other day to stock up on dog food when I had this happen. I was walking towards the checkout line when it struck me in the left leg. I had to stop in the middle of the main aisle and twist and turn my leg around until it quit hurting, probably one of the longest it has hurt like that. One of the managers walked up to me and asked if I needed help with anything or if I was ok. I could tell he was a little nervous with a way pregnant lady in the aisle not looking at anything but instead with a pained look on her face. I told him I was fine and that it was just part of pregnancy. Thankfully he didn't call 911. I just wanted the dog food and then wanted to get to Panera across the street for my own chow.

So that is the latest. One week from tomorrow, Monday, we will be meeting our babies for the first time. We are thrilled, nervous, excited, anxious, and scared all at the same time. It will be quite the celebration at the hospital when they arrive and we are hopeful and prayerful that everything will be fine and that we will get to take them home with us when we go home.

Thank you for all of those prayers. We still need them. We will definitely update the blog again before next Monday and will also post pics once the girls are here.

I will also be making it my goal for the next 7 days to come up with one thing each day that I am thankful for about being pregnant. An excellent suggestion by my handsome hubby!

Today I said I was thankful for: Feeling them kick and move around, especially when I eat or drink something sweet. They really like ice cream! :)

2 Weeks left, but who's counting?

2010-03-22T10:37:00.003-06:00

With 2 weeks to go, I am feeling more and more ready and excited to meet these girls! I am really ready for the craziness to begin, to get less sleep, to be calming crying babies, etc. Everyone tells me to enjoy these last few weeks before it all starts. I am definitely doing my best to enjoy them, but I gotta tell you that I am so excited to have 2 more in our family! We've been waiting for over 2 years for this!!

With my clothes options getting smaller and smaller, literally, I am looking forward to more options in the coming weeks. Today, it is warm and sunny out and supposed to hit in the low 60's. I stood in my closet and looked at the one pair of jeans that I can still wear and thought, "hmmm, should I wear these jeans or these jeans?" :) I opted instead for a non-maternity skirt that is so springy and fun! If it didn't have the elastic waistband and drawstring, I wouldn't be wearing it now. I'm just so darn hot to be wearing jeans!!

A friend just asked me yesterday what it was like to have two babies in my belly vs. just one. I told her that it's definitely different and I can really tell there are two based on all the squirms, kicks, and jabs that I feel.

If you were looking at my belly, Piper (baby A) is on the right side facing her sister. She's head up and her feet like to play the drums on my bladder and major arteries in my legs. I can definitely feel her head and lately I've noticed what must be her shoulder pushing out as well. Or maybe it's her fist, I'm not sure. Lilly (baby B) is on the left side and is also facing her sister. She's head down with her feet straight into my ribs, maybe she's trying to tickle me or something. :) I can feel her two feet playing my ribs and sometimes I can feel what must be her bottom pushing out my side.

It's really quite fun to sit and imagine what they're up to in there. Sometimes one is awake while the other is sleeping, and sometimes they are both awake and likely having a party or something. One of the great things about sleeping at night, or not sleeping, is that they aren't waking me up with their acrobats. I've found that they typically sleep when I sleep, maybe lulled to slumber by my resting heart rate. Who knows! It is fun to imagine what they're doing and how they'll be once they're born.

We've settled on their names: Piper and Lilly. Although we're not sure how we want to spell Lilly. Either: Lilly or Lily. We can't decide. And another thing we need to decide is middle names. Yeah, we have no idea on that one. :)

The countdown continues... 2 weeks from today! Wow, it is really happening. I almost can't believe it!

35 weeks down... less than 3 to go!

2010-03-17T22:32:00.003-06:00

After another fitful and frustrating night of sleep last night, I got up and hurriedly dressed for my morning appointments.

At 10 I went to the labor and delivery unit of our hospital and my nurse, Donna, helped set me up for my non-stress test for the week. Lilly, our baby B, must have been awake and happy because her heart was going up and down just like they wanted to see. After a yummy juice cocktail from Donna, Piper, baby A, perked up and followed suit. After being hooked up for over an hour, they let me go.

I made my next appointment the same as today, 10 am. Wednesday the 24th. After the NST, I went and saw Dr. A around 11:45 and all he did was measure my belly and ask if I had any questions. I had none so he said he would see me next week. :)

My belly is measuring 45 weeks, which is just wild to think about! I am still gaining weight, which means the girls are getting what they need. I am so thankful for that.

For now we keep on waiting till labor starts on its own or until the morning of April 5th. Jacob has a few bets going for when I'll have the girls. The wager: Chick-fil-A milkshakes. :)

Thanks for the prayers! I'll update again next week or if labor starts before then!! :)

Scratch that

2010-03-11T10:11:00.002-07:00

April 5th is the new date for the c-section. I guess they can only schedule so many c-sections at the hospital so we are on for Monday the 5th at noon. Jake wanted the 1st if the 7th wouldn't work, but they said that was too soon to induce me. But I guess he can still pray for April Fools babies! :)

We now have a line in the sand for the girls' arrival. Now we wait, some more. :)

Babies update #12

2010-03-10T14:38:00.004-07:00

Our last ultrasound this morning went really well! Both babies haven't budged at all and are both in the same position they were the last time. Sweet little A, who we are naming Piper, is still feet first. It makes sense since I feel like she's going to kick her way out of me! Piper's heart was beating steadily along at 152. She weighs in at 4 lbs. 10 oz. Our baby B, who we've pretty much decided is going to be Lilly, is still head down. Her heart was doing well at around 145. She weighs around 4lbs. 14 oz, just a bit bigger than her womb-mate. :)

I saw my OB next and he said we were pretty much on target for a scheduled c-section, unless I go into labor on my own. I am measuring 43 weeks, for those of you who get that. Definitely overdue if I were only carrying one.

April 7th is the big day for the c-section. I don't have a scheduled time yet and it could change of course if I go into labor before then. All of these things shall be revealed in due time! :)

Tomorrow I go to the hospital for a non-stress test. I'll be happily reading while they watch the girls' hearts for about 45 minutes. I don't go back until next Wednesday, when I'll be 35 weeks! Woo woo!!

Oh and I have to share this great picture we took last night. Shows me in all my belly glory plus a sweet gift from a friend of mine in the great state of Washington. She also lost a son at full term and read Molly's book. While we have never met in person, I do think of her as a close friend. Thanks Becky for the wonderful gift! I love the ladybugs!!

Babies update #11

2010-02-26T09:00:00.003-07:00

Can you believe February is almost over?! March begins tomorrow and I am really excited that we have made it this far in our pregnancy with the girls and no significant problems so far. It seems that time has really flown by in this pregnancy and at the same time it also feels like it has been a long time too.

Anyway, enough with the confusing talk and on with the latest and greatest. I saw my dear old doc on Thursday afternoon and everything checks out so far. I am measuring 41 weeks, which is good, and am 10 pounds away from weighing 200 lbs! Whoa! Never thought I'd ever weigh that much! But of course, it's all for the girls and a good thing too. I've enjoyed lots of Chick-fil-A milkshakes! :)

Along with another doctor's appointment we'll have one more ultrasound in less than 2 weeks and that will be the determining factor for how the girls might be arriving. If A hasn't turned around then we'll schedule a c-section. But he also said that even if A is head down, 40-50% of the time you end up having to have a c-section anyway. So... it looks like we're preparing for major surgery which is ok with us. We just want them born safely and happily!

At my next appointment and ultrasound I will be 34 weeks and at that point will start going every week until they are born. I will also be going every week to the labor and delivery unit for an NST, or a non-stress test. They will monitor me and the girls and watch for their heart rates to accelerate and decelerate for a certain period of time. From 34 weeks on I'll be spending a lot of time at the doctor's office and at the hospital. A great time for catching up on any reading I want to get done before our world is illuminated by these two precious girls!

Yeah for being so far along and no problems to speak of!! Thanks for all of those prayers for us and the girls! We are so thankful for each of you, whether we know you or not. Pretty soon we'll be introducing them to you, with such pride and joy!!

Quite the love story

2010-02-19T17:13:00.004-07:00

I was asked by an intern at our church college ministry to share my "love story with God" to a group of college women. It's sort of like my testimony although it doesn't go back to 8th grade and how I asked the Lord into my heart, how he changed my life from then on, etc.

I said yes, not really knowing why I was saying yes except that I was wanting to go to the college thing that night anyway. Now let me reassure you, I am not wanting to fit in with the college crowd or wear bump-its so that my hair sticks up a foot high over my head. I am interested in sharing my experiences in the hopes that I might encourage some of the women in that age group.

In a really neat way, I heard about this new ministry within the college ministry. It's something the interns and college ministry staff are wanting to put together to encourage college kids to find mentors and develop relationships with them. Well, I have been wanting to do that and God pretty much put me in the same Starbucks as a group of women who were discussing this very ministry, before it had even started. Had Jacob not been with me, I doubt I would have spoken up, so he did for me. He interrupted their chatter and told them that I was wanting to be a part of their ministry and could I get some info on it. :) I, of course, am trying not to turn red in the face or sweat through my layers of maternity tops.

They were really sweet and one of the women, an intern at the church, got my info and we went to coffee a few weeks later. She told me all about the ministry and how I could be a part of it. I went to their first meeting in January and really enjoyed it.

Last night was their second night and they asked me to share my love story with God. Wow, I feel so humbled by another opportunity to share my story and Molly's too. After working on my talk all day long I decided it was good enough to share with the world as well.

So.. here's what I said to them:

My love story with the Lord

When I think of a love story, my mind overflows with word pictures of: happily ever after, in love, perfect harmony, and days spent in pure bliss. Anything with the word love next to it creates images in our minds of pure happiness, joy, delight, and content hearts.

Here’s another set of words:

Heart-wrenching, tears pouring down your cheeks, a broken heart, dark valleys, great unknowns, unanswered questions, and letting go of what you hold so dear.

Do those words create images of a love story? Does that sound like something you long for and want to be a part of? Does that sound like something a loving God would weave into your love story?

No one likes pain or welcomes it with open arms. We prefer comfort and enjoyment to pain and suffering. And yet, as I think through my own personal love story with God, I see both beauty and suffering at the same time. I see a broken heart and delight, tears and joy, dark valleys and happily ever after.

How can that be? Well, let me tell you a story of one of the greatest people I have had the privilege of knowing.

Her name is Molly Ann. She accomplished more in her life than some ever will. She brought hearts together. She changed lives. She brought hope and light to many. She was remarkable.

And the best part about Molly: She was my daughter.

Since I don’t have time to tell you every bit of her story, here are a few things I want you to know about her.

Molly was born June 13^th, 2008 with a rare brain aneurism, something we didn’t know about when I was pregnant with her. It’s so rare that there are only 6 cases reported each year in the US. Looking at her, you would have had no idea that anything was wrong. She was perfectly formed and beautiful, with steely blue eyes, and dark hair.

She lived for 7 wonderful days and fulfilled her life purpose beautifully. We made some great memories while she was alive. We got to give her a bath, took a few thousand pictures of her, and held her multiple times. She was, and still is, one of the greatest gifts my husband and I have ever received.

She drew me closer to the throne of God without uttering a word. As a result of her life and death, I have experienced a love from God that I have never known before. Holding her as she was ushered into the presence of God was the holiest moment I have ever experienced. I knew that in her death, God was still holding us tightly and loving us.

My love story is one of great highs and deep lows. Before I had Molly, there wasn’t much in my life that I had experienced that really drove me to my knees before God. I experienced break-ups, mistakes, letdowns, disappointments, and frustrations, but never had I experienced a pain like this.

About a month before Molly died, I remember hearing about the death of Steven Curtis Chapman’s daughter, Maria. I recall thinking about what it would be like if we lost our daughter. “I can’t imagine going through that.” “How would we handle losing a son or daughter?” I also thought to myself, "well that won't happen to us."

I know I prayed on several occasions for God to use me in a mighty way, that he would give me a love story that I was proud of and that I could share with the world. I wanted a ministry and without knowing it, I was about to get one.

Going into labor at 41 weeks, I had no idea how our lives were about to change. In the midst of tests, questions, tubes and wires all over Molly’s precious body, holding her close, and then letting her go, God was continually weaving our love story together, wrapping me up in security and affection.

Molly’s story is heart-wrenching and it often brings tears to my eyes when I tell it. Our hearts broke the week of her life and the days that followed. We could not believe we were just meeting our new daughter and saying good-bye all at the same time. Our world shattered as we both entered into the dark valley of grief and asked many questions of the Lord. At the same time, I also experienced an incredible peace that surpassed my own understanding. I found hope in the life and death of my daughter. As painful as it was to watch my daughter die, it was a holy place and one that has altered the course of my life forever.

You might not think that we were experiencing God’s love after Molly died. It can be difficult to see how a love story could have death as a part of it.

Yet, I must tell you that God can love us through great pain and suffering. God was not afraid to hurt and cause suffering, because He loved us so much. We think we cannot experience pain and love at the same time, but the truth is, we did experience the love of God while we were experiencing such deep pain. Having to let our daughter die did not stop God from showing his love to us. His love continues even when we’re in pain. I believe that we have a mistaken notion that we can’t experience both at the same time.

There’s a verse that I want to share with you. Something you might have heard before, but this time I hope that you’ll hear it with fresh perspective:

John 16:33 “In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.”

The four words I want to highlight here are “YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE”. If you’ve never been told this before, please hear it now. You will have trouble. That is a promise from God. Doing everything right and making all the right decisions doesn’t mean you won’t experience suffering in one form or another. If you can accept that truth now you won’t be completely shocked when pain, suffering, and trouble happen to you.

Less than a year after Molly died, we experienced another tragedy. We miscarried a little boy at 14 weeks gestation. People all around us could not believe we were going through yet another loss. I could not believe they were so shocked. And yet it makes sense, with all the comfort we like to give ourselves, it’s easy to see how we can be shocked when others or ourselves go through suffering.

One thing that I have learned as a result of losing two kids is that there are no guarantees in this life. There is no promise that I’ll wake up tomorrow, that I’ll have more kids, that my husband and I will live to be old and gray.

As you can tell, I’m pregnant again. This time, I’m having twins. Twin girls. When something difficult happens to you, you begin to wonder if you won’t experience the same thing again. I’ve struggled with fear and worry in this pregnancy and sometimes I share it with others and sometimes I do not.

When I have shared it, some have said to me that everything will be fine, that this time I’ll bring home my babies, that I will for sure have what I have wanted because “you’ve been through enough suffering.” My response is that there is no “enough suffering” until we go to be with Jesus. There is no promise that I will endure X amount of suffering and then the rest of my life I’ll get what I deserve because I suffered well. No way. I have a choice in how I respond to suffering and pain.

You know what, I love my life and I love my relationship with God. He doesn’t owe me anything and yet he has given me so many things, things I do not deserve.

I am so thankful that God took Molly the way that he did. God has given me so many ways to minister to other moms who have lost kids, or who have never lost kids but have a renewed perspective after hearing Molly’s story. I am so thankful for this story! What a blessing that I get to share with others the deep gratitude that I have for my Savior for giving me a daughter, even if only for 7 days.

Discussion Questions:

What sort of love story do you want God to have with you?

How has your love story been different than what you thought it would be like?

How will you respond when your love story doesn’t go quite like you thought it would?

Babies update #10 and more

2010-02-19T10:29:00.006-07:00

I know, I know, it's been a week since I saw my doctor and am just now writing to share it with the world. :) Thankfully, this appointment went just like the last 57 have and so that is why I have delayed in sharing.

And so with my toast propped up on my belly and our pups wrestling on the bed, I'll get to it. :)

We had another ultrasound a few hours before my appointment with Dr. A. I have these great appointments every month, which I think is just wonderful and so much fun. Jacob, on the other hand, still thinks the babies look like constellations and can't tell much of a difference between heads and toes. But he comes anyway, to my delight, and sits through the 45 minute appointment.

The ultrasound went great. According to the tech's measurements, the babies are weighing just an ounce in difference. Baby A is weighing 3 lbs. 4 oz. and baby B is weighing in at 3 lbs. 5 oz. Stacey, the tech, did say that at some point we would notice one of the babies starting to weigh more than the other and that the amount of amniotic fluid would lessen as they start to run out of room. As if there's more room to be had, at this point. I can't imagine how I could get any bigger or that my stomach will stretch another inch! Ouch!

Both babies were measuring fine and everything checked out great, much to our delight and joy! Baby A was being a bit more cooperative than her usually compliant sister, so we saw more of her than we did of B. A was found opening and closing her mouth and of course we got some great photos of that! We could even see her tongue, from the profile view of her mouth. Another neat thing that we saw was that she has a bit of hair on her head! We're not surprised since Molly had hair too, but it is fun to know and see on the big screen. Who knew you could see hair on a black and white ultrasound? Crazy!

The slightly big news from the ultrasound is that little Miss A must have other plans in mind for their entry into the world because she is currently standing straight up in my tummy. She's not just breech, she's a footling breech which means that her feet are what's been kicking at my bladder lately. Her sister, on the other hand, is right where we'd like them both to be: head down. Thank you very much, Miss B!

Now, I don't really care how the girls are born... I just want them to be born safely and without complications. I would prefer to have them the way most babies are born, but I don't really get a say in this now do I? You can be praying that they would be born safe and sound and stay as long as possible in my tummy. We are expecting a higher chance of a c-section than before, since Miss A has been head up in the last few ultrasounds. She could still flip around though, and that would be great!

My appointment with Dr. A went well, with nothing much to report. He does think that I have a good chance of hanging on to the girls till 38 weeks. I see him every two weeks for another month, when I'll be 34 weeks and then I'll see him every week until the girls are born.

In other belly news, my mom was just here for a few days and she did a great job at painting the nursery with a bit of pink. Here's what it looked like when we had the room ready for Molly's big debut:

Now, get ready for the finished product. Drum roll, please....

We added some pink paint above the brown stripe and on the ceiling. We also added a pink lamp that I got at TJ Maxx for $11 and a pink and red polka dotted sheet and changing pad cover.

I love how the room looks and it definitely feels more and more ready as small changes are made. For the past year and a half it was my "office" where I sat and read my bible, an assortment of books on grief, or checked my emails. It had to be converted back to the nursery which meant getting rid of my stacks of books and piles of papers. I am super excited with how it has turned out.

You might be wondering how I am doing. At 31 weeks, I currently move at the speed of a three year old and sleep propped up on four pillows and blankets tucked under my belly for support. Sleep is difficult, although I have had a good few nights lately. Some would say it is in preparation for the girls coming. I laugh knowing that while I won't be sleeping much when they get here, why suffer now?

I am really doing well though and can hardly complain. Having two in my belly is way different than having one, and I am enjoying it as much as I can while I have them all to myself.

Babies update #9

2010-01-30T11:44:00.002-07:00

There isn't much to report, which is a good thing. I did want to update everyone on how things are going, how I am feeling, etc.

I did see my OB just a week and a half ago and I go back in another week and a half, so three weeks between visits this time. From that appointment I'm pretty sure I'll start going every two weeks for a month and then every week until they are born.

It's pretty exciting. We have just a bit over 9 weeks left, at the latest, until the girls arrive. I am doing pretty well and my only complaint is that I am not sleeping well, which isn't a surprise to me at all. I'm finishing up week 28 and the nursery is ready and waiting for the girls. I worked on it with a friend of mine for a few hours on Friday and we really did some work in there! I am really pleased that it's starting to feel like a nursery again.

We also got our second car seat today. Really excited to have it and now, with the exception of a hospital bag, I am ready when the girls are! :) Just praying it's not before 36 weeks.

I love my husband!

2010-01-30T11:40:00.002-07:00

I have to brag on my husband. A week ago he gave me a great gift. It is the best gift he could ever give me. In fact, I ask for this gift on numerous occasions. This gift is better than anything he could ever buy at a store.

He gave me his time. We’re learning in our small group’s study on Purpose Driven Life, that time is such a valuable gift because it can never be regained. When someone gives you their time, they are giving something of themselves.

On Tuesday afternoon, Jacob gave me a nice big chunk of time together. A “Rebecca Extravaganza” where I get to choose what we do and he goes along with it. Around 2 we found ourselves in the basement, looking for something, when I asked him if he would help me put away the last boxes of Christmas decorations. They are stored under the stairs and with my ever-growing belly, it’s not a good idea for me to lift them. So for about 15 minutes, he helped me organize and put things in their places. He also helped give me some peace in that moment. As most women know, when their house is clean, picked up, and organized, they feel peaceful and relaxed. I felt so good after just those 15 minutes.

Later that afternoon I asked if we could go to Starbucks for a coffee date and then to Target to check out some of the baby things on sale there. As part of my extravaganza day, Jacob agreed. We loaded the dogs into the car, because we almost always take them with us wherever we go, and headed to Starbucks. I originally thought we would just get some coffee and head over to Target but Jacob suggested that we sit for awhile and just hang out. A great idea. We flipped through a little date book called Coffee Dates for couples and I found a great question for us to talk about: Our dream house. We talked about what we would want if money were no option and what our house would be like if we could have whatever we wanted. It was really fun, especially when I asked him what he liked the most about his house in Indiana, where he spent much of his childhood.

From Starbucks we headed to Target where there was a big sale on baby items, 50% off. He did what I have always wanted him to do, engage with me and enter into the experience. I pulled little outfits off of racks and he would tell me how he liked the ruffles or the cute butterfly pattern. It was really fun and we even picked out a few outfits to dress our girls in.

We ended our evening watching a set of home videos that were taken of his old house in Indiana. It was fun getting the tour and being able to see a bit of where he grew up. Then he played our engagement video which was really fun to watch and remember how fun it was to get engaged. We both looked so young in the video, its crazy how we’ve changed in just 5 years.

I am so in love with you, Jacob. I love getting to spend my life with you and every experience!! You are the greatest husband for me!!

Foster Care Training, cont.

2010-01-09T17:20:00.002-07:00

Today was far more difficult and challenging than yesterday was. We didn't have as much interaction and stimulation to keep us interested and so the first half we all felt dumped on with information.

We learned about the law and all the things that go along with what has been put in place and why. The frustrating part about today was that in some cases the law made zero sense. The first goal in any case is what they call "reunification" or getting the kids back with their biological parents. If that can't be done after lots of different trials and hearings, then that child or children is placed in a forever home/adopted. That makes sense.

In order to explain the law and different things to us today they shared with us various scenarios. One of them was a case where the social worker kept saying that this mom was a good parent when she continually would go back to her abusive boyfriend and allow her child to witness and be around when she was abused. I asked how many times it took until parental rights were severed. They said there was no limit as long as that mom was doing what the state required and proving to be a "good parent". That means she had to keep doing certain things like going to counseling or staying clean and sober, in order to keep her child in her custody. This does not make sense.

Basically, there are more rights for parents than there are for kids. In fact, I venture to guess if animals have more rights than children do. I know I'm simplifying things here, but we weren't the only ones in the room who were appalled at that specific situation.

It's incredibly sad and I feel really angry at the injustice there is in this state and in this world for children. To be fair, the state does some great things for kids and for that I am really grateful. It's the situations where it seems so backwards that make me so mad.

As one of my readers put it: It's emotionally taxing, and yet God is sufficient for all that we need. He already has been sufficient so why would He not continue to do so for us in this new journey?

Two kids aren't enough

2010-01-08T22:28:00.002-07:00

"So tell me about why you're here? I'm intrigued since I hear you're having twins soon and yet you're here at this foster care training." One of the other attendees looked at me with wide eyes and a smile on her face.

Today, Jacob and I, along with my bulging belly, sat through an excellent 7-hour training session on becoming certified foster care providers for the state. We both expected to be bored and feel overwhelmed with information and paperwork, yet we came away having enjoyed our time and with a different perspective on the foster care system.

The women who led our training today did so with an upbeat attitude and spirit. They interacted with us and forced us to interact in front of the group on several occasions. We learned so much and yet still have tons more to go through tomorrow and on one more Saturday later this month. We learned about a "sample" family and the situation they were in that caused the kids to be put into foster care and we talked through different options to help them and also positive and negative things that we saw in that family. It was really interesting, even though none of it was true. The story was given to us as an example of what we might encounter along our foster care journey.

I learned that just because you have a foster child in your home doesn't mean you can share their story with anyone. In fact, we all signed a confidentiality agreement today saying we wouldn't divulge any information about a case we were involved in, ever. I can't talk about our foster child's situation to anyone unless they need to know because they will be in contact with that child. It all feels very sticky and yet I understand the reason behind keeping our mouths shut.

Simply this: It's not our story to share.

It's a great lesson in gossip that I never thought I'd learn in quite this way. To respect and honor a child in my home who might not want anyone else to know what he/she has been through, is one of the many things we'll work to achieve during their stay with us.

We also learned about grief and loss as it relates to these children and their biological parents going through these situations. I hadn't thought of these kids experiencing grief or loss, but rather relief that they aren't in that situation anymore. And while that might be the case for some children, I am sure that although the situation they came from isn't what is desirable, they still miss their parents and the routine they were used to and their things that had to be left behind. I am all the more aware of other ways we grieve.

We go back tomorrow for another 7 or 8 hours and then on the 23rd we'll have one last full day of training before we're fully certified. It's exciting and scary all at the same time.

We're having two babies soon and signing up to bring other kids into our home. While it's scary and uncertain, we are sure of this: there are far too many orphans in this world without parents to guide them through life for Jacob and I to just sit here in our comfortable home and do nothing. We know that we are called to help the orphans of this world and we're excited to see exactly how we'll do that in the years to come.

As of now, we're interested in what's called "respite care". What that means is we would come alongside another family who has foster children and provide care and respite from their daily lives. We might take that foster child to his soccer game or we might take her to the dentist. If that family were to take a vacation out of the state, that foster child(ren) would have to stay behind and we would be the ones to take care of them while their foster parents are gone. We feel that we can do that right now and then later we definitely want to adopt and possibly do foster care ourselves. We shall soon see what God has in store for us.

More tomorrow, maybe. :)

Babies update #8

2010-01-06T15:58:00.002-07:00

After spending nearly three hours at the doctor's office, I am glad to be home and thankful for a positive report to share.

At 11 I had my 7th ultrasound, this one only lasting 45 minutes instead of an hour and a half. Although I wouldn't have minded since I love any chance to peek in on the girls and see how they're doing. The ultrasound went great. Both girls are measuring right on and doing well. According to their measurements both of them weigh around 1 pound 10 ounces, which is just an estimate since they can't really weigh them. I have plenty of amniotic fluid around both girls which is great considering I was dehydrated last week.

At this stage in the game Baby A is breech. Those cute, little feet that like to pound away on my bladder are pointed the "wrong" way. I am praying that she'll somersault around and stay put in the head down position. :) But that's just what I would prefer. I know babies can turn around up until the moments before birth. Ouch! Baby B must be a rule follower like her mom because she is head down, which is great! If only A could be more like her sister! I'm sure that won't be the last time I think that to myself. :)

After my ultrasound I hurriedly drank a bottle of the glucose mixture for my blood test an hour later. When I was pregnant with Molly I failed the first 1-hour test and had to go back for the three hour tour. So this time I wasn't going to take any chances, I just fasted all morning. I drank only water and even Jake kept forgetting about me not eating and asked me several times during the ultrasound if I'd like a piece of string cheese!!

After my blood test I went back to the waiting room of my OB's office and scarfed down a delicious pb&j followed by more water. Hmmm, food is yummy. My appointment with Dr. Austin was pretty laid-back, as always. He asked if I had any questions, measured my belly, and took a listen to the girls hearts. In and out and I was done.

I start seeing him every two weeks now for awhile and then he'll change it to weekly. I'm so thankful we're nearing the end of the second trimester. Makes me feel so good with each passing week and knowing the girls are getting stronger and bigger. I am so excited to meet them and hold them in my arms!!

And now, let the nesting begin...

What's new?

2009-12-30T10:48:00.008-07:00

It has definitely been awhile since I last posted our big news of finding out we're having two girls. With the excitement, travel, and busyness of both Thanksgiving and Christmas, there has been little time for writing and reflection.

Now that I am home-bound till the girls come, I hope to spend more time writing and sharing updates. For now, I want to write a small update of sorts from the last month.

We spent Thanksgiving in Little Rock with my family, the Rainey's. It was fun getting to all be together as every one of my 5 siblings were in town for the big feast. We spent a few days with my grandparents and extended family on my mom's side at a farm in south Arkansas. It was fun sharing our news with them and getting tips from my Aunt Judy who has twin boys.

After Thanksgiving, there arose a frenzy of activity at our house that happens every year at that time. Decorating the house, making lists of Christmas gifts, shopping, wrapping, and shipping! It was all a bit crazy, but I was able to get it all done before we left for Florida on the 17th to spend Christmas with the Mutzes.

But before we left for Florida, I did get a chance to fly to Texas for 4 days to visit my dear friend Christy Paine Hutchins. She and I were BFF in high school and college and even lived together for a year, such a blast!! So many memories and definitely a time in my life that I would love to re-live again if I were given the chance. I had such a great time with you Christy, thanks for taking such great care of me while I was there!

We had so much fun together talking, shopping, eating at this awesome Mexican place with free queso happy hour, watching The Proposal, and laughing together. She even hooked me up with a "tacky", maternity Christmas sweater to wear to our small group Christmas party.

I must note here that Jacob's sweater is actually a woman's sweater. But it still goes with the "tacky" theme, I do believe.

In Florida we spent a great 10 days with Jacob's family going to Disney, taking the family Christmas photo at 10:30 p.m., playing with the nieces and nephews, making and decorating Christmas cookies, doing Christmas three times, and doing our best to not pass around this awful 24 hour flu bug that Jacob, Cari, and Uncle Dave got. Thankfully they were the only three who did.

Just a picture of what's to come for us in the coming months. :) These precious boys are Cari and Phils' twins, Isaac and Will.

After the family left for a mission trip to Guatamala, Jacob and I traveled down to Longboat Key to spend the night at a condo there and get some time together. We went out on the boat Sunday morning and ended up losing power and having to be towed back to the dock, over an hour and a half long. We probably spent 3 hours on the boat, 1 hour of that was spent cruising along and enjoying ourselves. Even the dogs were enjoying the constant wind in their faces but not the cold seawater when they got tossed overboard by Jacob. :)

We drove back to Lakeland, packed our bags, and hit the hay around 11 p.m. only to get up again at 2:15 a.m. on Monday for our drive to the Orlando airport with Eric, Jacob's younger brother who had to drive to Miami for a new passport so he could fly to Guatamala to meet up with the fam. Our flight left at 6 a.m. and we made it to Denver and then home around 10 a.m.

3 hours later, after nice nap in my own bed, I awoke feeling awfully "weird" and unsettled. I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong or what I was feeling, I just knew it wasn't right. We called and made an appointment to see the nurse practitioner and then 10 minutes later I got sick and threw up. We went to the appointment and I had to lay down on the exam table because I felt like I was going to pass out. The decided to send me to the hospital for fluids and to be checked out more thoroughly. In triage, they tried to monitor the girls, but couldn't find their hearts very easily although they seemed to be doing just fine kicking at the little monitors on my belly. They finally hooked me up to an IV and told me to order some food and see if that would help. I had only 3 bites when it all came back up again. The nurse warned us that I might be spending the night at the hospital since I wasn't keeping anything down.

We checked in, officially, and I ordered more food to try again. I was also given some anti-nausea meds that seemed to help immensely. I was able to eat and keep it all down which was a huge praise. To pass the time, we watched The Mentalist and talked to a few family and friends. After a pitiful night of sleep, I was released the following morning.

I am definitely feeling better, but not 100%. I am weak and tired and achy from being sick, but not feeling as poorly as I did on Monday. Sleeping in my own bed has helped and being able to walk around more is good too. The general consensus for my stay in the hospital was dehydration and a possible flu bug or something in my GI tract. I'm doing my best to drink as much as I can and eat as well as I can. These babies need me to be healthy.

I see my doctor next Thursday for another check up, glucose screening test, and another ultrasound to check out the girls. At that point I will be 25 weeks in my pregnancy.

I am thankful that the girls were unfazed by my short stint in the hospital. They both had great heart rates and were constantly kicking and moving the entire time I was there.

The big reveal...

2009-11-21T17:35:00.005-07:00

When I was pregnant with Molly, everyone had a guess as to what we were having. Most people said we were having a boy. In fact, one woman in the Seattle airport told me she thought we were having a girl. She was the only person who guessed right. I had an inkling we might be having a girl, but that was more of what I wanted than what I really thought we were having.

This time has been no different. In fact, a few days before our ultrasound we polled some of our family members to see what people thought. Here were the results:

The majority of the votes were for: 1 boy and 1 girl. One vote came in for 2 boys and one vote for 2 girls. People were even giving suggestions as to what we should call our son and daughter twin combo: Janie and Jack, Dennis and Denise (you can guess who suggested that one), Jack and Jill, and the list went on.

We decided to share our news by wrapping two outfits that showed what genders we were having. Those we were with got to open that cute gift and unwrap each outfit, revealing what we were having. It was so much fun to see the different and excited reactions of others as they found out the news! I am so glad we waited to share it in person!

Since I cannot have each of you open our fun "gift" I will share it with you through a picture. Enjoy our news and give great thanks with us!!

I have to say it even though it's clearly obvious. We're having 2 girls!! I still cannot believe it and I think the news will take some time to sink in. It's been so fun knowing and I can see why people find out the gender ahead of time. What an exciting time x's two!!

Oh and I have to tell you that the one vote for two girls was my older sister, Ashley. She was so pleased to have "won" the competition especially since she's the mother of 5 boys!!

Babies update #7

2009-11-20T19:10:00.002-07:00

Praise the Lord with us! Our ultrasound this afternoon went smoothly! Both babies are measuring great and they both weigh in at a hefty 8 ounces! The technician we had also did our ultrasound back in May when we went in for a second opinion on our precious Micah. She remembered us right away and was excited to see us again, this time for a good outcome.

Our tech's name is Stacy and she said she would probably be seeing us about every month for check ups on the babies. She did an excellent job and even cracked some jokes with Jacob who was making me laugh and as a result, making the images on screen all jiggly. It was really a fun appointment as we got to see all sorts of things about our babies.

Baby A is head down and Baby B is head up, although that will most likely change over the next few months. My placentas are both on top and possibly fused together, she was unable to tell for sure. We even saw Baby B kicking at Baby A's head. :) They are both so close together they could probably snuggle each other.

Both of their brains looked great. She measured all sorts of things about their brains like the cerebellum and then some other words I don't remember. Everything checked out great! Each baby's bladder, kidneys, diaphram, stomach, and heart were also measured and recorded. It was really neat to see each of the four chambers of the heart pumping away and providing life to our little ones. The tech also measured their leg and arm bones as well as the amount of fluid in each babies sack.

We saw arms, legs, feet, and little hands all moving around. We even brought our video camera to capture some of the action for fun. Thankfully she was able to see both babies' gender and neither of them were shy about it. We are very excited about knowing more about our babies. I can now see why some find out the gender before birth. It's pretty fun!

We are enjoying the news to ourselves for a few days and then we'll share it with our family over Thanksgiving. A perfect time to give thanks for the blessings God has given us through our kids.

Again, we thank you for the continued prayers for us and our little ones. We daily give them back to the Lord because we know that they are a precious gift and not anything we deserve to have. What a treasure to be able to get pregnant and experience life growing inside me. I do not deserve it nor do I take it for granted. We love these babies for as long as God gives them to us. And we are so thankful for such a gift!!

Stay tuned for our big announcement!

Babies update #6

2009-11-19T13:46:00.003-07:00

I just had another check-up with my doctor. It was a good check up and we were able to hear their different heartbeats, which was very neat and reassuring.

He was able to find both babies hearts' without any problem which was also comforting. Astrid's heart was around 150 and Bob's was around 145. Both steady and strong. My doctor is pleased we've made it to 18 weeks and is encouraged with our progress.

Tomorrow, at 2:30, we'll be having our 20 week ultrasound even though we're only at 18 weeks. We'll be checking everything, measuring their heads, legs, arms, and bellies. We are also going to see if we can tell what team we're going to be on: Blue, Pink, or Both! We are both looking forward to that appointment and getting to see our babies on the big screen.

If we aren't able to find out the babies' sex then I will for sure do a post about how the ultrasound went and anything noteworthy to report. It is likely that we'll have to have another ultrasound or two to find out this fun news.

If they do cooperate and aren't shy, we will more than likely enjoy the news to ourselves for a few days until we get to Little Rock for Thanksgiving. My hope is that we'll be able to share the news with my family in person and share it with Jacob's family via skype. Once our families know then we'll share it here and on Facebook. So keep checking back for more info! Definitely by this time next week we'll have something to share!

Thanks for praying! Keep 'em coming!

Puppy Stories

2009-11-11T15:47:00.004-07:00

You've asked and so you receive! Below are more pics of the precious pup! She has easily made her way into our home and hearts, just like Tank did. Here are some little facts about Lambchop:

- She weighs in at 3 lbs. 12 oz. Light as a feather!
- Her black hair is pitch black and we have found a few areas with white hair, definitely from her dad who had a looks like the red puppy below, with a tuxedo white stripe down his chest.
- Her eyes match her hair, blackest of black. Sometimes when she's sleeping you can see the whites of her eyes, but not often.
- She has some pretty sharp baby teeth, which I can't wait to see fall out. Tanks' teeth were just as sharp and now they aren't so bad.
- Her little legs are about 3 inches long. She can stand up under Tank's belly with no problems.
- She and Tank are best friends that love to bite each others ears, jaws, legs, and noses. Ouch! Not the kind of friend I would want to have! But as long as their tails are wagging I'm fine with it.
- Tank keeps himself occupied playing with her. We no longer have to push him out the front door, he loves to run out and play with her which is fun to watch.

And here's a funny story of the two of them that is just too good to pass up. Tank is obviously bigger and faster than LC but she keeps up with him anyway for awhile. We noticed the other night that LC found a toy of his and was chewing on it. Well, you can guess what happened next. Tank decided he wanted the toy and so he took it from her. She bolted after him and he just ran around with her nipping at his heels. Then she stopped to sniff something and Tank realized she wasn't following him anymore so he came back to find her and then taunted her with the toy in his mouth!! Literally! He dropped down on his front legs with his little rear end sticking up in the air and just wagged his tail. She responded in kind and pounced on him, but did not get the toy.

Fighting over toys usually results in more biting and chasing. It's fun to watch.

Enjoy the pictures!!!

When we met Lambchop for the first time. The red puppy was her companion for the trip. Her name is Lexi and some friends of ours picked her from one of the other litters. She and LC both have the same father.

Jake and Lambchop. She's so small!!

She has a little hat of hair that's all poufy on top. Very cute!! She basically followed us all around. We let them run around a grassy area outside the cargo building before heading home.

Tank investigates the newcomer. They sniffed each other for a bit and then Tank sort of sat there and stared at her like he wasn't sure about her.
Sharing Jake's lap. Can you imagine them both on MY lap? I only have a lap for one dog right now and I know that won't last for long. :)

Thanks for visiting!!

Meet LC

2009-11-07T14:02:00.002-07:00

Ever since I gave Tank to Jacob for Christmas last year we have just loved having him around and seeing how much joy he brings into our lives. He is such a great dog, so well mannered and incredibly well-behaved, except for the last two weeks at small group. Oops! Anyway, we truly enjoy and delight in him all the time. One of the greatest things about him is that he is totally hypo-allergenic. I am totally allergic to dogs and he doesn't bother me in the slightest. My mom has even been around him a few times and she isn't bothered by him either, and she's even more allergic than I am. The real test will be my sister Ashley, who will meet Tank at Thanksgiving. Can't wait to see what she thinks of him and if he causes her to sneeze at all. I really hope not.

Ok, back to the topic at hand. I don't really remember when we started talking about another puppy but it happened sometime this summer. We contacted the breeder who we got Tank from and there were three litters already in the works, one of which was Tanks' mom Cocoa. We were really excited because we had wanted another chocolate puppy, but this time a female. In September, the week the puppies were due, we got an email from the breeder saying that Cocoa was not pregnant and had never been that entire time. We continue to shake our heads at this, wondering how one doesn't know a dog isn't pregnant. I would think a non-swollen stomach would be the first clue. So, no chocolate poodle puppy for us, bummer.

Either way, the breeder said we could have first pick from one of the other two litters that had just been born. We said we would wait to see pictures and then decide.

We decided on a black female from Gina's litter. We thought it would be better to have a different color and we really liked the dark look. Plus, we wanted a female anyway so we could have the chance for puppies in the future IF we wanted to.

Well, it's been 8 weeks now and just around 3:45 this afternoon a plane in Denver will be landing with our newest puppy on board. Jacob has chosen the name, Lambchop, even though she hasn't the slightest bit of white on her. It's really a cute name, although a little long for calling it out from time to time.

Just recently, the breeder posted some new pictures of our little gal and I picked my favorite two to share here. We will definitely be posting more once we have her and have introduced her to Tank. Since his world is about to be rocked by two infants, we thought a friend would help soften the blow a bit although that was definitely not our main reason for wanting another puppy. I do hope they become best friends! We keep telling Tank about his little sister but I don't think he has the slightest clue what we're saying. :) Plus, he's far more interested in his rubber chicken than getting a playmate.

Enjoy the pics and check back later for more in the coming days.

Isn't she precious! I cannot wait to hold her and get to know her! It's incredible to think how small Tank used to be. It will be fun to take some comparable pictures of the two of them together.

The rest of the story...

2009-11-05T11:27:00.002-07:00

Here are the other two ultrasound pictures that are a "must-see". Amazing what technology can do!! I absolutely loved seeing our babies and checking them out from head to toe!

Here's a foot!! So cute and so clear! I have no idea whose foot it belongs to, all I know is that I can't wait to tickle it! :)
Dr. Austin said that the baby was saluting us! Or sucking his/her thumb! Either one is cute and I am so glad we have a picture of it!! Thanks to Dr. Austin and Gayle for their incredible attention to us and our kids!!

Speaking of "his or her", we have an appointment with Imaging (the place where we went for a second opinion on whether or not Micah was really gone or not, and also the place where they have a better ultrasound and check out twins from 20 weeks and on) on Friday November 20th to find out the babies sex and do all the bells and whistles of measuring and such. IF the babies cooperate and we do find out we will more than likely wait to post on the blog until after we've told our immediate family. Once we've done that then we'll definitely share the news via the blog and/or Facebook.

So.. get excited and also pray with us that they continue to grow strong and healthy over the rest of the pregnancy! We continue to trust the Lord with His plans for these two and ask that you do the same with us. Thank you so much for praying for us and lifting us up so many times! There are many who I have not had the pleasure of meeting that I am so grateful for their prayers!!

We are so thankful for the body of Christ!

Thanks for reading!

A lot happened on October 28th

2009-11-05T11:02:00.003-07:00

Just a week ago I had a lot to celebrate and look forward to! So many great things happened in one day that I have to say I feel supremely blessed and loved by my God and by so many family and friends.

On October 28th, I celebrated my birthday! I turned 29 this birthday which just doesn't seem possible. I do not feel like I am 29 now, not at all. Nor do I feel like I should be starting a new decade in a year. In spite of being so close to 30, it was a wonderful birthday filled with phone calls, little gifts, and even a yummy peanut butter and chocolate cake at our small group that night, which just happens to be my favorite flavor combination! Don't even think of asking me to share Haagen Daaz' Peanut Butter and Chocolate ice cream with you! OR, telling me how fattening it is. I don't care, I just want to eat some and enjoy it!

I did have one big surprise on my birthday. One that has never happened before in all my 29 years. I even asked my mom and she confirmed this to be true.

We had over a foot of snow fall on my birthday, not to mention the additional foot and a half that fell over the next 48 hours. Beautiful, sparkling snow all pure and white. I do believe we get snow just about anytime of the year in Colorado. And I love it, especially when it warms up to mid 60's two days later. :)

One of the best parts of my birthday happened around noon, earlier than I expected it to. We had another ultrasound of our babies. Our doctor's office was closing early due to the snow and asked if we could come in early. "No problem. See my babies sooner than later? Sure thing!"

My doctor must have been photo happy because we came home with 19 ultrasound pictures all folded up to share. Baby B was the star of the show, being quite photogenic and not shy. Baby A must have been hiding or "purposely hidden" by Baby B and thus we were not able to see A as much as B. It was a great ultrasound, both babies' hearts were pounding away and they were also moving around and even waving to us. Dr. Austin kept saying, "Look how cute they are!" And he's definitely not an emotional kind of doctor, just straight forward and factual. It must have been my birthday that caused him to give us extra time to gaze upon our babies and take extra pictures. I am incredibly thankful for the amazing doctor and staff at the office, so wonderful and so gracious to us as we've all held our breath and waited.

So... without further news and fluff, here are some of the best shots of the twins. Enjoy and give a big "yea" along with me for the scanner working and letting me scan all 19 of the pics. I promise I am not sharing all 19 here, that would take forever.

Here's Baby B all stretched out from head to toe!
Both babies together, looking a bit smooshed if you ask me.
Another one of the twins together, this time from a birds' eye view of their heads. Way cool!
This is Baby B showing off his/her profile! You can see the bridge of the nose, two lips, and a chin. You can also see Baby A off to the right possibly annoyed with B hogging the spotlight!
And this is one of the best shots of baby A. A is closest to my cervix and so harder to see, being tucked in under B.

I was not able to put all of the pictures that I wanted to on this post so I will get the rest in another blog post. Not the rest of the 19, just 2 more that are great to see.

Also, after the ultrasound Jacob took me to Panera for lunch which we both really enjoyed. His birthday gift to me was an assortment of choices around Denver or Boulder of fun places to see or eat at. Can't wait to plan a day full of fun together!

What would have been

2009-10-19T21:04:00.002-06:00

The past few weeks I have quietly reflected on the coming day, October 19th. It has always been in the back of my mind and something I have thought of often. I do not feel overly anxious as I have anticipated this day, just reflective and thoughtful.

Today would have been Micah's due date.

Had he been anything like his older sister, we would probably be waiting another week to meet his little self. I wish it were only going to be a week to meet him.

We will have to wait till Heaven to meet him and also get to know Molly better. It just stinks that we can't be with our kids right now. It hurts my heart as I think of them, miss them terribly, and ponder what they are up to in the Heavenly realms.

The past few weeks have been extra difficult for me in this area. I have really missed them both and am grieving them more and more. I feel as if their losses just happened a day or two ago. I journal-ed a week ago and meant to post it but I guess now will be better than never.

10.12.09

"I really miss our kids today. I always miss them but today, and the past few days, I have felt that ache in my heart as if I had just lost them. It feels like just yesterday that I held Molly in my arms and kissed her soft skin. I re-live the moments of delivering Micah as fresh as when they happened, his perfect body lying still in my open hands.

As we approach Micah’s due date and our own 14 week mark with the twins, I am aware of my troubled heart that aches to be with my kids. I truly feel pain in my heart and soul as I think of them today and how we were not meant to be separated. We should be together. They should be here with us, learning new things and celebrating important milestones. But they are not. And they won’t be ever again.

Death is so final. So loud as it comes crashing down upon our dreams and hopes. I am struck with how final death is as I think about it. I know that it is not the end, not at all. There is no victory in death, for Christ swallowed up death and sin when he died on the cross for us all. He made a way for us to spend eternity together. He gives me a gift in the price he paid. He gives me the great gift of spending forever and ever with Him and with our kids in Heaven. What more do I need?

I sold a few of our books and audio cd’s of the broadcast of Molly’s life to some women at a bible study that I go to. After selling the cd’s I realized that I had only listened to those broadcasts once, the week they aired during Molly’s b’day week. I long to be near Molly again, to remember her and imprint her life more deeply into mine. I want to listen to the broadcasts and look at some of her pictures. And of course, have a good cry."

I think I have been more anxious lately but on a subconscious level rather than actively feeling anxious and worrisome. I am 14 weeks with the twins and that is when Micah died in my womb, and that scares me. What if we are asked to surrender yet another baby or two? I ache for the moment when we can hold our babies in our arms and know, that for the time, they are safe and well. What we also know in that moment is that they are never safe, never promised a long life with us, just the moments God does give us. That has been one of the biggest lessons I have learned in Molly and Micah's death. Being pregnant definitely helps as we approach and pass Micah's due date and other important dates, but I am still so sad and still grieve for my kids. I struggle with being fearful of the lives of these two that I now carry. Being pregnant with two does not replace the two we've already lost. It does not make up for lost time or lost lives.

There are no guarantees. I am not free of future death now that I've lost two kids. I was never promised that these babies would make it to term or that we would bring them home. I am only given the days which God has already ordained for them before the beginning of time and I have to trust what He gives and what He takes.

Pray for us, and me especially, as I carry these babies and lean on Him each and every day. Pray that I am not overcome with worry or fear and that I am able to enjoy this pregnancy for as long as we are given these babies.

Thank you all. Words cannot describe how grateful we are for the prayers and kind words.

May the Lord bless you as you have blessed us.

Dr. appt # 5

2009-10-16T11:41:00.002-06:00

I have seen my doctor a lot these days. And the staff at the office already know who I am when I come in each time. It's really nice.

I saw my OB on Wednesday and we got to hear the babies hearts thumping away. In my mind, it took him awhile to find baby B and hear the heartbeat. To Jake and his newspaper, it took no time at all. :)

Baby A is around 155 bpm. Baby B is around 150 bpm. I checked my past pregnancy journals with both Molly and Micah and saw that both of their hearts were in the 155 range at this same point in the pregnancy. That was really neat to see.

Next appointment, on my birthday, October 28th, will be another ultrasound. That will be fun to have on my birthday! I will be 15 weeks then.

I cannot say enough to those of you who pray for us so fervently. Truly, I am just humbled beyond words.

Thank you so much.

It feels like Christmas

2009-10-12T14:13:00.004-06:00

"Why Christmas?" one might ask.

Well, maybe because we got about an inch or more of snow on Saturday. Or maybe because the weather has been in the high 20's. Or maybe it's because I've dug out all my winter maternity wear, coats, and scarves. And my all-time fave: the Christmas decor, tinsel, and ornaments ALREADY on the shelves in stores. Jacob laughs at me each year when I refuse to think Christmas until AFTER Thanksgiving.

It's ridiculous folks. As my friend Sheri Rizner would say, "Seriously? Seriously."

I drove home from bible study this morning singing Christmas songs in my head and thinking about how I need to get my Christmas shopping done and write our Christmas letter. As if it were early December rather than early October. At Costco yesterday it looked like the Christmas rush, there were people everywhere buying all sorts of huge items, like drum sets. I felt like I needed to buy something large also, thankfully I did not.

I am really sad about this weather we're having. As I said before in one of my posts, fall is one of my favorite seasons and it really did get skipped this year. The trees have all lost their pretty colors and even some have turned black or brown from the bitter, freezing temperatures at night.

Anyway, I just had to write about this. I do love the snow and it is really pretty to look at, but not in the first week of October.

Seriously? Seriously.

Already October

2009-10-02T10:55:00.004-06:00

I just can't believe it's already the 2nd of October. September went by incredibly fast for us! Here in Colorado, fall has already started and will soon be over. It must be one of the shortest seasons here, unfortunately, as it is my favorite!! In light of how short it is, I am choosing to enjoy it as much as I can!!

We spent last weekend camping at our new favorite spot by a creek near Frasier. It is so pretty and quiet. We have enjoyed camping there twice in the last month and both times were so much fun. We nearly froze our tails off at night but it always warmed up in the morning. And the stars at night were spectacular. I felt so small looking at the millions upon millions of them. An incredible display of God's wonder and glory!

We saw our doctor again yesterday for another check up. He seems to be breathing easier now that we're 11 weeks and doing so well. It was a fast appointment and I did get to hear Bob's heart beat, but not Astrid's. He said that Baby A was probably still too low in my pelvis to hear. That made me a littler nervous, but not much since he didn't seem concerned. We talked a little more about different tests I can have done in the coming weeks, when I come back to see him again, and when he'll do the next ultrasound around 18-20 weeks. He asked me if I was ok not having an ultrasound for today and I said I was ok but had been worried and feeling nervous again a few days before. As I was still explaining how I was feeling, he stepped out of the room and peaked around the corner, then motioned me to follow him. "It's totally normal to be concerned and nervous. You're here now so let's just go in and look." So we got to see our babies again!! So much fun!! I feel so spoiled by my doctor's office, but I am not complaining! I'll take any and every chance to look inside my womb at our little miracles growing and thriving.

The only sad part about this ultrasound was that Jacob wasn't there for it. He was on his way but hadn't made it in time. He assumed I would be called in well after my appointed time and so he thought he would get some more work done before he came to sit with me. I totally understood how we can wait sometimes for the doctor. Well, this time was totally different. I had only sat down for a minute before I was called in and then only sat in the exam room for maybe 2 minutes before the doctor joined me. Very uncharacteristic of typical appointments, but again, I am not complaining!!

It was a quick ultrasound. The screen came on and our two little munchkins came into view. I was so amazed at how big they were already and how they were moving around so much. I wanted to stop time or record the whole thing, it was that cool. One of them was waving their little arm back and forth as if to say "Hi Mom!!". Both of them did little jumps in their sacks, bopping around and moving. I was so encouraged to see them doing so well. They just amaze me every time I get to see them!! I wish our scanner worked so that I could share all of the pictures, but for now this one will have to do. I took a picture of it with my phone, the only thing I could think of to do to share the images.

This is one of them, not sure which though. My OB moved the scanner around so fast and I was so in awe that I didn't pay attention to who we were looking at. :) But they pretty much look the same. Both were healthy and moving around a lot which was fun to see. I made two appointments: one to go back in two weeks, in case I am nervous or feel the need for it, and then one for 4 weeks. I can do both appointments or just do one of them. I am really grateful for the staff at The Boulder Medical Center. They have become so dear to me as we continue on in this fun new journey! I cannot thank them enough!

I still just can't believe I am pregnant with twins! It really is incredible! I am so excited as time goes on and the babies get bigger and bigger. I am so happy that they are healthy and well.

Thank you all so much for your prayers for us as we wait upon the Lord for these two wonderful little lives! We are humbled and grateful beyond our imagination!

The latest and greatest

2009-09-16T14:51:00.003-06:00

We saw our doctor again today and had another ultrasound to check in on Astrid and Bob. To our relief and joy we found that both of them are growing like they should, healthy, and little hearts beating away.

It was really neat to see their hearts beating and then of course to hear them was even cooler! Bob's heartbeat is at a healthy pace of 182 bpm. Astrid's heartbeat was also healthy and fast at 176 bpm.

They are both measuring right on at 9 weeks. Right now they are just over an inch long, about the size of a green grape. :) It was really a relief to see that Astrid had caught up to Bob and was the same length and everything. We were both really pleased and grateful for another positive appointment. I didn't post a picture with this post because our doctor didn't take very many and the ones he did take weren't all that great. So next time we get a pic, we'll post it! :)

Because I had some bleeding, my doctor did ask me to take it easy for the next few weeks. This first trimester is so crucial and the time when most miscarriages occur. He did say that I would be in "the clear" around 18 weeks. So we're halfway there and so excited!

We know that we won't ever be "in the clear" until we have our babies in our arms and we know they are healthy and well. And even then, they are still on loan to us and a gift from God. As we already know well enough, He gives and He takes away.

May we always bless His name, no matter what He gives or what He takes.

Thank you all so much for praying for us and rejoicing with us over these two healthy lives!! We are so honored and thrilled to be given this opportunity to parent two babies at once!

Twins are double the fun

2009-09-09T12:00:00.002-06:00

So I wanted to update everyone on how things are going and also test something out on my blog. For some reason the dates are messed up and not showing the right date for the post I am adding. It seems to think it's still August 19th. Weird, but hopefully it will be fixed on its own, otherwise I might be asking Jake to do some checking around for me. :) I am not blog savvy, unfortunately. I just know how to write and add new posts and that's all.

We are loving all the prayers and excitement of being pregnant with twins! It is a roller coaster, to be sure, but we are enjoying it every moment of every day! We pray for the babies together at night and especially for Baby A to grow alongside Baby B.

Really, words cannot describe how much fun this is! I am just so grateful for this incredible gift from the Lord. Truly. :) Here's a fun tidbit, because we have an A and a B to refer to, Jacob has decided to give them funny names. :) So... drum roll please.

Baby A is now Astrid.

Baby B is now Bob. :) Fondly named after Jacob's grandpa, Bob Gaiser.

There really are no huge updates except for my next appointment with my OB at 11:30 on the 16th of September. We'll get to see the babes again and do more measuring, checking out Baby Astrid and hearing the heartbeats hopefully.

Also, I've heard that this is common to twin pregnancies but it still makes me nervous. I am experiencing some bleeding which I hear from my brother in law Michael, who is also an OB although not mine, that bleeding is normal and unless I have cramping associated with it, it's likely nothing. So you can be praying that the bleeding truly is nothing and just my uterus doing extra work for the extra life inside. I totally appreciate all the prayers and any mommies of twins, please feel free to let me know any advice you have for me, books to read, etc. I would love it!!

Thanks to everyone and we'll keep you updated as we know more!

It all started one early Monday morning...

2009-08-19T12:13:00.013-06:00

August 10th proved to be an exciting day for the Jacob Mutz family. We woke up around 6:30, early for me as I love to sleep in, and got some of the greatest news ever...

Two little pink lines with a white border: We're pregnant!!

Here I am, making sure I record this momentous occasion.

Some silly pictures we took a few hours after we took the test. Jacob is really pushing his tummy out in that second one!

We both prayed and thanked the Lord for choosing to give us another life to care for and pray over. I couldn't believe how fast things happened this time around. When we were trying for Micah, it took 8 months, so we were pretty surprised when we saw the pregnancy test turn positive!

That was 3 weeks ago when we found out we were pregnant. Well, just when you thought you'd heard all the news there was to hear, we've got more for you.

Yesterday, September 1st, we were scheduled for our first ultrasound to make sure the little bean was growing like he/she should, hear the heartbeat, do the measuring, etc. A fun ultrasound to be sure, but not a whole lot to see as we are only 7 weeks along.

The doctor came in the ultrasound room and asked if I had any questions. I had been praying all morning long and working on not being anxious about anything but presenting my requests to the Lord. I was a bit nervous that we'd hear bad news again. Once you've been burned, it's easy to be skittish and nervous the next time around.

"So, do you have any questions for me?", he asked. I looked at him and said, "Can we just get this over with and make sure there's a heartbeat and all? I just want to know all is well." He said that was fine and Jacob even laughed at me a little for being so hurried. I was just really nervous.

The screen came on and immediately we saw a little dark circle with a fuzzy resemblance of a baby inside. He pointed out the heart beating and as he began to take his measurements my eyes took notice of a second dark circle hovering near the first.

"So what's that other circle all about?", I asked him. He told me we would check it out after he did some measurements. "Make sure there's not a twin in there," he mused. At the sound of the word, "twin", Jacob sat up in his chair a little higher and looked at me with eyebrows raised and a big smile on his face. I smiled back at him thinking, "yeah right, me... twins? I doubt it."

It didn't take long for the doctor to do the measurements and then moved over to the second circle to investigate its contents.

To our complete amazement and joy, he spoke the words, "Yep, there's a twin in there."

What?! Twins?!! Are you kidding? You've got to be joking! I can't believe it! How are there twins in there!! Seriously!! Oh my gosh, I can't believe we're having twins!! AHHHHHHHH!!!

All of those thoughts came into my head at once, most of which I spoke aloud to our OB. He continued to do his measurements, showing us Baby B's heartbeat and length. He also noted that Baby A was a little bit smaller than Baby B. Just a few days behind which might mean something or it might mean nothing at all. We're hoping for the latter! :) Either way, you can join us in prayer for both our babies to grow healthy and strong!! I do go back in for another ultrasound in 2 weeks. To check on them both, but especially little A.

Here's a picture of the ultrasound. Our two little blueberries growing and thriving, unaware of the excitement going on outside their little world. :) We cannot wait to meet them!!

As of now, our due date is April 20th. That will more than likely change since we're having twins now. And really, I can't believe I just wrote that... twins. Wow. Twins!!

Also, check out this picture of how we chose to celebrate our great news over lunch.

An "identical" lunch at Chick-fil-A, complete with cookies and cream milkshakes. Jacob wanted to have an identical twin lunch, even though these babies probably won't be identical twins. He ordered for us both and we truly had the same lunch, down to the light mayo and bbq sauces. It was fun, including asking the moms sitting nearby to take our picture for us. We told them we had just found out we were pregnant with twins and they both cheered. One of them even became teary. So sweet.

So we're off!! Another adventure has begun! We are praising the Lord all day long, thanking him for this great blessing times two! A really neat thing to add is that ever since college I have prayed for twins one day. I have always wanted them and while we have no idea what we're getting into, we're pretty excited for the challenge and joys of hopefully bringing home our babies to care for and love on.

Rejoice with us and keep those prayers coming!! We still need them!

Love you all!

Happy 4th Anniversary!

2009-08-19T11:25:00.005-06:00

Today we are celebrating 4 years of wonderful marriage, friendship, and love. I absolutely love my husband! He is, by far, my best friend! We do everything together and have so much fun. Sometimes we tell each other, "I love doing life with you!" And it's so true! We've experienced more life in the past year than in both of our lives combined. I wouldn't want to do this life with anyone else, the mountain tops and the valleys are a joy to walk together.

Here are just a few things that I love about Jacob:

1. I love to snuggle and watch movies or tv shows together. I feel so safe and secure when I'm held closely in his arms.
2. I love road trips! It is so much fun being in the car together and seeing new places!
3. As I said earlier, I love doing life with him. Just the simple, day to day things.
4. I am so thankful we've had each other as we've walked through grief. I can't imagine doing it alone.
5. I love his spiritual leadership in our marriage. He does a great job leading us in prayer and devotions, nearly every day.
6. He is a fantastic businessman! Always eager to learn and try new ventures!
7. He is the best daddy to our kids. Showing such sacrificial love and caring for them as much as he can.
8. I love dreaming together. It's really fun planning our "forever" home or thinking of new trips to take together.
9. I love his passion and zeal for life! He makes life so much more fun than I ever imagined!
10. I just love Jacob. Plain and simple. He's the best husband for me and I am so glad that I am blessed to have him in my life!

I love you so much Jake. Thank you so much for loving me so well and for being patient with me. Thank you for tenderly caring for me and serving me so much. I am so thankful that I get to spend the rest of my life with YOU.

I love you.
Your Princess

Cupcakes and Wine?

2009-08-06T18:22:00.004-06:00

Some would say, "yuck", but I say, "yum!" I stumbled upon a little delicacy at a nearby wine shop. I've heard of flavors like spice, berries, oak, and coffee. But never before have I heard of a wine described close to a dark chocolate cupcake with vanilla berry coulis. :) I have found a fun wine! It's so nicely balanced and light, with a hint of cupcake on the finish. And, one of the best parts about this wine is the price tag: only $12.

I am immediately a fan of Cupcake Vineyards, located in central California. Their motto on the back of the bottle has become a favorite of mine:

Cupcake: Live Deliciously

I definitely live to eat and only things that are delicious! Let's not waste time or calories on things that are not so tasty! Agreed?

I am savoring a glass of this tasty Cupcake wine as I make a yummy tomato soup from a famous restaurant in Boulder, The Kitchen. I shared a few spoonfuls of this smooth and warm tomato soup with my sweet mom for lunch last week. We had a yummy lunch with fresh bread and good conversation!

I'll post the recipe soon! It's a must for all to try! Oh and if you're interested in this vineyard, click here to visit their super fun website!

New Recipe

2009-08-05T18:07:00.002-06:00

I have just added another recipe link to my list of faves on my blog. It's a super great recipe for summer time! It's Pasta, Pesto, and Peas. And you actually serve it at room temp or even cold and it's delish! I just made it recently for us and added cut up cooked chicken which was a tasty addition! It's also a great idea if you're making dinner for someone. They won't have to reheat it when you take it over! Just eat it straight from the fridge!

I usually make my own pesto, but you can easily buy a jar of it at the store to cut out part of the work. It's super yummy!!

Enjoy!

A funny story...

2009-07-19T21:25:00.007-06:00

I just have to share this story. It was pretty funny and fairly painful at the same time. Plus, we all need a laugh every now and then, right?

So there we were... sitting around our house doing absolutely nothing. Boring. Jacob has this obsession with climbing all the 14'ers in the state of CO in the next 5 years or so. He's been researching every website, previous climbers, routes, equipment, etc. It has been fun to watch, but it gets old after awhile. Especially since I am not so inclined to climb 59 mountains that are at least 14,000 feet in elevation. Whew!

I whine to him about getting out of the house as it's nearly 7 p.m. and the only rooms we've been in are his office and our room where I took a nap at one point because I was so bored. Not to mention our puppy, Tank, had been sleeping on and off all day long. We went to church this morning and that was the extent of our activities for the day.

I was hoping we could go for a walk or something but Jake had a better idea. "Let's ride our bikes to Wal-Mart!" I looked at him quizzically and ask, "What's at Wal-Mart?" He explains that he needs a new bike tube for his mountain bike and we need the exercise.

Wal-Mart is only 3 miles away, with a little hill in between. A quick little jaunt for a bike ride at 7 p.m. sounded fine to me. I walk out to the garage to get going when I notice that the sky is darkening with some rain clouds. "You know, we might get rained on," I mention to Jake as we get on our bikes. "No we won't, because we'll just come home if it rains." I'm not wanting to squelch his idea so I hop on my bike. Jake likes for me to get ahead of him sometimes so that he can catch up with Tank running close behind him. I start riding and the wind feels nice as I pedal along the sidewalks. I keep glancing over my shoulder to see where Jake and Tank are. I finally stop by a red fire hydrant, just at the top of the hill on Baseline Rd. I see them coming around the corner so I hop back on and continue riding.

We ride close by for a few more minutes. I felt a few rain drops but nothing major, so I just figured we would make it to the store and if it did rain we could wait it out there. As the wind picks up Jake yells, "Let's go back! I think it's going to rain." I see some lightning not far away and think that he has a good idea.

Not ten seconds after turning our bikes around, the sky opens up and the rain begins to pelt us. Literally. In my mind I'm thinking, Hmmm, maybe we should have kept going to the store and waited there. Or to our friends house, Kim and Greg, but they have company over so we should just go home.

I love rain storms. Sitting in my nice, warm, living room, curled up with a book or something. They are nice to watch from the comfort of your home as you listen to them pound against your roof.

I do not love rain storms when I am out in them. Riding our bikes INTO the storm was torture! Tank was still running faithfully behind me and I kept throwing praise over my shoulder as we rode. "Great job Tank! Come on buddy!!" I can hear Jake ahead of me yelling at the rain. I am yelling too.

The rain drops feel like hail driving into my skin at 100 miles an hour. I'm pretty sure I even saw some hail at one point. Jake said it felt like someone was throwing marbles at his face. I knew the same, stinging feeling. It was so painful to look ahead to where you were going. Rain was driving down at an angle right into our faces. I decided to keep my head down and watch the sidewalk that way. I would glance up every 30 seconds or so to make sure I wasn't going to plow headlong into a tree or someone.

We almost sought shelter in this little tunnel that's part of the golf course nearby, but I realized how close we were to home so I yelled at Jake to push on. "Let's just get home!!" He yelled back, "You're a crazy woman! But ok!"

We continued riding on, the rain lessening as we passed through the shelter of a few trees. I was thankful for the fact that we were riding downhill this time, making the painful pelts of rain go by much faster. I found myself laughing out loud the rest of the way home, certain that the cars driving by were having a good laugh at these idiots who chose to bike in the rain.

Until we rode our bikes into our garage, the rain continued thrashing at us like an angry man down on his luck after a poker game. I was laughing and Jake wondered what I had to laugh about. We looked at each other, realizing how sopping wet we were. I had dirt on the back of my tank top from the bike kicking it up. We could both feel water soaking our toes. Our shirts were dripping wet and my legs were red from the rain drops that had pounded them for nearly ten minutes.

After being home for all of two minutes, we look outside and realize that the rainstorm is nearly over and blue skies can be seen in the distance. Ahh, too bad we couldn't have watched it from the comfort of our home. But that would have been boring and this was too much fun.

He Provides

2009-07-10T18:40:00.002-06:00

Today the Lord provided for me in a very unique way. I would have never asked for this sort of provision, but am thankful for how God is using my pain to give Him glory.

I got a call from a friend’s husband who asked me to come to the hospital to be with his wife. They had just miscarried their baby. I was one of few friends who were called. I dropped what I was doing and drove to the hospital to be with them, thankful that I had nothing going on. Hugging her husband as I entered the room I could tell that there were tears springing into his eyes. I sat with my friend as we talked and shared hearts. We had been pregnant together for our first pregnancies. Now we were sharing the pain of losing babies we barely knew, but had prayed for and dreamed over.

I took her home, her hands holding a soft blond teddy bear, a gift from the hospital. She mentioned as we left that she had now done both: left with a baby and left without a baby. I knew the pain she felt. It was just 2 months before that I was in her same place, clutching a bear and feeling the pain of an empty womb.

I see this as an open door from the Lord. A provision for me in my current state of feeling a deep sense of loss and no purpose to call my own. I would never ask to share this unique heartache and pain with a close friend, but am incredibly humbled and honored to have been called to the front of the battlefield. I have offered to help her with her son and the work she has to complete that seems overwhelming. I told her that I had nothing pushing me forward and that I would love to help her. Thankfully she accepted my offer gladly and I start working with her next Wednesday.

I see this as an opportunity to share pain, talk openly and honestly, be authentic, and share tears mixed with laughter. I pray that I am encouraging and helpful, a cool drink of water in a very dry time.

So I give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. He has given me a purpose in my pain.

Thank you, Jesus.

Good grief!

2009-07-09T21:27:00.001-06:00

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted here. Jake and I spent the last 2 weeks on the road visiting Wyoming, Montana, Idaho, and Utah. We really enjoyed our trip and had great conversation and lots of laughs. We even got to meet up with Jake’s brother, Ozzie and his wife, Johanna for part of the trip. We met them in Utah, at Zion National Park and really had a good time hiking, eating at Oscar’s, chatting in our tent till midnight, and seeing some great parts of our country together. It was a really fun time to go on a trip with another couple, especially one in our family!

I have so much I want to write about but am afraid it won’t make sense if I just unload here so I’ll have to write a piece at a time.

Recently, Jake and I have had the opportunity to adopt a baby boy who will be born in the next few weeks. We prayed and prayed and sought advice and prayed some more. The idea of having a child in our home by August was incredibly appealing, to say the least. But we just weren’t quite feeling 100% about it either. Last night we decided to let this adoption opportunity go to someone else.

I knew that it would be a good decision either way. If this is not our baby then we would let it go and somehow we’d see how that decision was a wise one. If this was our baby we would see the good in it and enjoy every moment. Unfortunately for me, after making this decision I experienced feelings of deep depression. I felt worthless, aimless, a waste of space, and without a purpose in my life. I don’t have a job or skill that keeps me motivated and I am not pregnant, counting down the weeks. Late last night I really heard some lies from the enemy about my worth and I let them enter into my heart for a time. Then I realized that none of those things were true. I asked the Lord to help me focus on truths rather than lies. And it helped.

Did my sorrow and sadness end there? No. Did I bounce back and think, “Wow, I sure am content not having any babies in my life! Thanks God!” Absolutely not. This was no quick fix. No easy solution or magic wand that could take away my pain and sorrow. It was all still there and I felt immense pain and anger at our current state. Why was God withholding the desire of our hearts to have children in our lives? I have no idea. I can only guess that it is for the refinement of our hearts that He is waiting. Sometimes I wish He wouldn’t be so mysterious.

Waiting is difficult. We wait every day for things all the time. I wait for the water to boil or for the light to turn green. I wait for Jake to come for dinner or my computer to start up. Those things aren’t hard to wait for because I can easily tell when the waiting will be over. I know when the light will turn green because I see the other cars stopping to begin their wait. I know Jake is coming for dinner because I hear him running down the stairs. The hardest things to wait for are the things that we can’t see any progress in. I can’t tell if we are any closer to having a child in our lives. Even if we become pregnant again, we will still have to wait 9 long months to meet that child. And that’s assuming we have a baby that is healthy, like so many others have every day.

It’s pretty excruciating for me to wait right now. I feel the huge void in my heart that only God can fill with a child. I carry it with me every day. On some days I don’t notice it while other days it seems to be shouting in my ears, taunting me. In the midst of my sorrow and sadness, I find it empowering to say:

I am worthy.
I am a child of the most High God.
I am beautiful.
I am lovely.
I am filled with the purpose of loving God and making Him known.
I am a Princess to The King.
I am dearly loved.
I am worthy.

A Fellowship of Sufferers

2009-06-18T11:44:00.002-06:00

I am incredibly blessed.

As I listen to the radio broadcasts this week about Molly's life and death a year ago, I am struck with the amazing opportunity we have been given to share the love of Christ to so many. Because my dad heads up FamilyLife, I am reaping the benefits of being able to share our sweet daughter's story with so many people.

In the wake of Molly's book and the radio broadcast I have received multiple comments here, emails, and friend requests on Facebook. Some of them come from fellow mommies and daddies who are going through the pain of the death of a child. It is encouraging to know that we are not alone in our journey of pain and tears over losing Molly and now Micah. But I must tell you that it is equally discouraging to hear of more and more losses. I am so heartbroken for the parents who struggle to conceive only to lose their baby before he is born. The ones who have great hearts and just want to be parents and long to fill their home with children, why should they not be given this blessing? It makes me sad and it makes me angry. It is so not fair. And it's because the world we live in isn't fair and if it were, I'm not sure we would even deserve the kids we have had or the life we do live.

There is an excellent book on loss, and how our souls grow as a result, that I've been reading off and on since Molly died. The book is: A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser. It's such a great book. My favorite chapter has to do with this very struggle. I didn't deserve to watch Molly die or lose Micah in my womb!! But... the question in response is, did I even deserve to have them in the first place? No, we didn't deserve them. They were, and still are, a gift. If I have the attitude that I deserve life to be a certain way, then I am certain to be disappointed with each letdown. We are not guaranteed a life without suffering, no matter the form.

I'm thankful that God does not deal with us on a fairness basis. If that were so I'm not sure I would have been given Jacob, let alone my precious kids. I am thankful that I not only have a daughter, but also a son! Do I wish they were here with me? Absolutely!! But God saw fit for us to grow as a result of losing them. I do not believe He caused them to die, but I do believe He is in control and allowed it to happen. Do I like these things? Not at all. But I don't get to chose the outcome of my baby's lives. I do get to chose how I respond to their lives and deaths. And I hope and pray that I continue to be honest with myself, Jake, and my Lord in the process. And ultimately, that I might honor and glorify God as that is my ULTIMATE goal and purpose in life.

To the many parents in this unfair world that experience the disappointment of never having children, losing a child, or losing multiple children, I am praying for you and loving you even though we might never meet. I consider you to be someone who understands my heart and the pain I experience better than anyone else. My prayer continues to be that we might use our pain for the glory of God and allow it to be used for good. May we share our pain with others and engage in loss and, for a time, the death of a dream. We will continue to experience pain in this life. This is not our only time of trial and suffering. I do not expect this to be the last time I lose someone I love, but I do expect that in the midst of loss that God will bless us richly. I don't know how He plans to do that, but I do expect blessings upon blessings. I pray blessings for you as well as for me.

Thank you so much for the prayers of so many and for supporting our book. I pray not for huge sales, but for God to use it mightily as He has Molly.

To God be the Glory

A birthday gift for Molly

2009-06-13T13:01:00.003-06:00

Here's a birthday story written for Molly by her Aunt Stephanie.

Happy Birthday, Molly!

The kingdom was a buzz. It was the week leading up to princess Molly’s birthday, she kept dropping hints to the King about what she was wishing for: cupcakes, a parasail, a new puppy. The list was endless along with the mounds of questions. Because this was Molly’s first birthday she really didn’t know what to expect, so anytime the King was around He was bombarded with inquisitive questions.

Molly finally decided exactly what she wanted and wouldn’t take no for an answer. (She gets that from her earthly father.:) She marched right up to the King and whispered in His ear her request. He smiled, rustled her hair, and said, “You know that is very costly.” She said no she didn’t know it was very costly she just knew it was exactly what she wanted. With that He nodded and went off to prepare for her birthday celebration.

Molly waited with anticipation as the King prepared to enter the banquet hall. Everyone was waiting eagerly to see what the princess had wished. As the King entered the hall, a hush fell across the room the King presented princess Molly with her gift. She beamed. "A baby brother just what I asked for." The King smiled with tears in His eyes. “Yes, Molly just what you asked for but the cost was great.” She grabbed Micah’s hand and ran and said, “the best part is yet to come...come catch the balloons with me. Mommy and Daddy always send enough to share."

Love, tears, and a heavy heart,
Steph

It's Official

2009-06-12T11:28:00.003-06:00

This morning, around 10:30, I just received my first copy of Molly's book. I could not contain my excitement as I shared it with both Jake and my sister, Laura, who is in town for Molly's first birthday. We browsed through the pages and oohed and aahed over the pictures of Molly and her sweet hand and footprints scattered throughout.

It's a beautiful book. I am so proud of myself for such a great accomplishment. I've always wanted to write a book but I had no idea what to write about. Writing about Molly was both beautiful and heart-wrenching at the same time. I loved it and cried over it countless times. It is a treasure.

Thank you so much Mom, for helping me write this book, for all the hours you put into it and helping me get on paper the story of my daughter, Molly Ann. I am so grateful. This is such a gift and blessing to my heart!

And also, a huge thank you to the many people at FamilyLife Publishing who also put in many hours, tears, and hard work to make this book happen in four and a half months. What an accomplishment for us all!!

Molly's Book, Broadcast, and Birthday

2009-06-04T09:08:00.005-06:00

I am so excited!! I cannot fully express the joy of finally releasing Molly's book to so many! It's available! I can't stand to wait any longer to share with everyone the story of Molly Ann Mutz. I know that many already know her story but the book shares so much more. It's incredibly heartfelt and shares the depth of our love for her and the struggle of our grief over letting her go be with Jesus.

Click HERE to order your copy of A Symphony in the Dark by Barbara Rainey and yours truly. I can't wait to hear what you think of it!! Please write me after you've had a chance to read it.

A note for friends and family in Colorado: We are throwing a book release party on Father's Day, June 21st where you can buy a copy of the book signed by both authors. We will be selling the book for the same price as online but you won't have to pay shipping and handling costs. The party will be like an open house where you can drop in anytime. Be on the lookout for an evite in your email inbox for more details.

Molly's story will also be shared on the Family Life Today broadcast for the week of June 15-19. Click HERE to find a station near you and for times to listen to the broadcast. OR, click HERE to listen online. Her broadcast isn't online yet, but will be starting that week.

On another note, I can hardly believe it's almost been a year. I am struggling with her impending birthday and home-going celebrations. I want so much to honor her life and celebrate our daughter, but I am not sure how we will do that. We will make her a birthday cake and sing her Happy Birthday, sending balloons with love notes from Mommy and Daddy, and spending some time at her doorway. I want to buy her something. A cute dress, or a fun clip to put in her hair. I want to do something for her like I would if she were here, except I feel that buying her something that will only sit on a shelf in her room is silly and pointless.

So much to think about when approaching such an important day and week of celebrating Molly's life. Pray for us as we walk through these anniversaries and remember the sweet and sad memories of that week. We are extremely grateful for Molly, her life and impact on ours and the gift of having her with us for seven days. What a joy, what an honor. We love you, Molly Ann.

A Doorway Cut in Sod

2009-05-22T06:55:00.005-06:00

Ever since Tuesday morning I have been wanting to write about our sweet time at Micah's burial. It was truly so very good for our hearts to be there and actually place him in the ground next to Molly. There was finality, yes, but it was a good sense of closure.

We arrived at the cemetery a little before 10 and began filling some balloons with helium. We had just enough for two blue and two white ones. After tying on some string, we followed Pam, the funeral coordinator who helped us with Molly's burial less than a year ago, to the foot of Molly's grave. It was a warm and sunny day, much like it was when we buried Molly. Pam had set up two chairs that faced a little pedestal with Micah's little white box on top. Beyond Micah we could see Molly's marker, just a foot away. It was a perfect setup, yet perfectly horrible at the same time. I could not believe that we were there, again.

Pam stepped away from us to give us as much time as we wanted before putting Micah in the ground. We prayed together, and with tears pouring from my eyes I asked the Lord to weep with us, to hold us close, to heal our hearts. After we finished praying, I picked up Micah's box and just held it in my lap. So light, so fragile, so empty feeling. And it was empty. Yes it had our son's body inside, but the best part about him wasn't there. His soul and spirit is with Jesus and with Molly. Again, I just cannot believe it. Cannot hardly fathom the reality of where we sat.

We took turns holding the box and capturing those moments on our camera. Something to remind us that this was not a bad dream, but in fact reality. That we had buried a little boy of ours. After some time we each wrote on a balloon. Jake chose blue, as it represented his little boy, the son that he had. I chose white, for the purity and holiness of Heaven, the reality of where our son was and where we longed to be. After writing on the balloons we read aloud what we had written and then let them slip away into the light blue sky.

Then Jake took Micah's box and after we both hugged it tightly, placed it in the ground, inside a small concrete box. I knelt on the ground, kissed my fingers, and placed them on his box, whispering my love and good-byes.

A concrete lid was placed on top and then Jake took a big shovel and put dirt in the hole. The caretaker of the cemetery helped him finish and when the piece of sod was placed on top, I placed a single white rose tied with a piece of ribbon on top. I also put another white rose with ribbon in Molly's vase.

Our babies were home. Where their lives have truly begun and they are experiencing the joys and delights of purity and holiness. They are held close by Jesus and sung to by a choir of angels, free from the sin of this world.

Oh how I cannot wait to be there with them both.

Take us soon, Jesus.

A Place for Micah

2009-05-19T08:13:00.004-06:00

Today, the 19th of May, we will be making the same trip to the cemetery that we did just less than a year ago to bury Molly. But this time we are burying our son, Micah Wiliam. This time we are taking blue and white balloons instead of pink.

I went to visit Molly's doorway on Sunday and when I got there I saw that there was already a place being prepared for Micah. At the foot of Molly's plot was an orange cone set off by several different colored flags. There's a chunk of grass lying a yard away ready to be put back in place after he's in the ground.

I am somewhat in shock that we are now going to have two babies buried next to each other. TWO. Not just one who we'd take our kids to visit one day, no, there are two now. Two babies to visit. Oh Lord, spare us from one day visiting more than two children in a cemetery. May it not be so.

A simple gift in the midst of our suffering

2009-05-15T22:34:00.004-06:00

She fumbled in her purse for her wallet while her two year old daughter, looking adorable in pigtails and pink, asked impatiently for the cookie her mom was buying. I stood behind the counter in my messy apron and smiled at the little girl, thinking of Molly and what she would have been like. The mom, clearly irritated, glanced over her shoulder and out of frustration, told her daughter to stop asking her for the cookie or she wasn't going to get it. Looking back at me she mumbled, "I don't know why am I buying her a cookie. She clearly doesn't need one and is bouncing off the walls. So annoying."

Working at the bakery last fall and into winter, I came across many parents toting their kids behind them as they purchased a cake for a birthday, cupcakes for a party, or a cookie to quiet their shouting kid. Having just surrendered my only child made me more aware of how selfish we can be. I wanted to sit down with each mom that came through that door and share with them what I had lost and how they weren't appreciating the gift they had been given. As it was not my place, I never did.

I did encounter one young mom who inquired about the necklace I wore to work. A simple black and white photo of Molly that hangs around my neck on a thin silver chain. Mentioning her own daughter, she asked me how old Molly was. When I shared with her our story, her eyes filled up with tears. She asked me what she could do for me and I kept telling her there was nothing she could do. Then it dawned on me, here was my chance.

I told her there was something she could do for me: She could enjoy her daughter and the blessing of having her in her life. After telling her this, she nodded and affirmed my suggestion saying she would do that. I saw this mom several times while working at the bakery and each time she would ask how I was doing and thank me for sharing my story.

A few days ago I got a message in my Facebook inbox from Carrie, a young mom I have met only once. I didn't even know she had kids until she wrote me on Thursday. Here's a bit of what she said:

"What I really wanted to share with you is how you have really taught me to be a better mother. Having these two so close together is not always easy, but the second Madison starts throwing a fit, or Noah hasn't slept all night, I stop in my frustration and think about Molly and Micah. In an instant, my frustration is gone and I look at them as the fragile blessings they are."

I know that I don't know the difficulties and frustrations that come with parenting. I do not share this to put myself on a podium as someone to be admired. I share it to encourage those of you who have been given the gift of children in your care, to enjoy them as much as possible. I would gladly give my suffering to be up late at night with a crying baby or in a bakery with a toddler demanding a cookie. I would also love to have the joys of holding them as they fall asleep, reading Dr. Suess in funny voices, and making cupcakes for a birthday party.

My heart longs for those moments and is tired of this suffering. It is my prayer that you enjoy the ups and downs of parenting, knowing that our kids are on loan to us, a gift from God.

Home

2009-05-14T18:57:00.002-06:00

We are finally home, where we can rest without interruption and grieve as we need to. We were discharged from the hospital this morning and left around 10:30. My nurse told me that it would be hard to leave without our baby and I told her that while I agreed with her, I hadn't ever experienced leaving the hospital with a baby. I do not know the joy of holding a baby in my arms as I am wheeled out to the car. I only know the grief and sadness of leaving empty handed and with broken hearts.

We both slept when we got home, which was much needed and very good for our bodies. We are glad to be home and I am looking forward to resting up and getting healthy again. I really don't like being this helpless and needing to rely on so many people for so many things.

My whole body is incredibly sore, like I ran a marathon or went on a really long horseback ride. My throat hurts from the tube being down it during surgery and I just hurt.

Thank you so much for praying for us. We are so grateful and wish we could tell each of you personally.

Micah William Mutz

2009-05-13T12:09:00.002-06:00

Psalm 139 proclaims "I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Our son, Micah William Mutz, is no exception. His tiny body is fearfully and wonderfully made and loved by us and our Mighty God. We grieve his passing and eagerly look forward to the day when we can hold both our babies in our arms and never have to let them go.

We arrived at the hospital around 10 p.m. last night, May 12th. Sometime after 11 my doctor put some medicine in my cervix to help dilate and get things moving along. About an hour later I felt some back labor begin. After going to the bathroom and brushing my teeth, I was going to call my nurse because the pain was getting pretty hard to bear when my water broke.

Things escalated pretty fast and our baby was born at 1:56 a.m. May 13th. Just 11 months after his big sister came into the world. Because I was bleeding a lot (I had lost around 64 oz. of blood), Dr. Austin told me I had to go in for the D&C. The placenta did not want to come out so they had to put me in under and get it out fast. Before I went under Dr. Austin told me that he was going to try and and get the placenta out, but there was a slight possibility that he would have to do a hysterectomy. I was pretty scared, but just prayed as they prepped me, over and over for God to not ask me to give that up as well. He answered my prayers and the procedure was fast and successful, with my uterus still intact.

I've lost a significant amount of blood and my blood pressure has been down most of the early morning hours. Because of that, they want to keep me here and watch me over night. There's a possibility that, after taking my blood, I might be able to go home tonite, but we're just not sure yet.

It's been really scary and not something I want to go through ever again. In some ways, delivering Molly was easier because I had no fears and I didn't know she was going to die. This baby was difficult and I grieved off and on during the entire process. And I still am. I would have to say it was the scariest moment of my life. I was so afraid.

A praise or two: We have gotten to hold and see our baby. We've taken some pictures since Heather could not be here, and we plan on putting the little blue hat on and snuggling him up before letting him go to the mortuary. Another praise is that things did go fast. We had been praying all day yesterday that things would move quickly and with minimal pain. They did move quickly but not without pain.

Anyway, thank you for praying for us. Please continue to as we work to get out of here and rest at home where it's comfortable. Pray that my blood pressure gets to where it should be and that we can go home tonite. And of course, pray for our hearts as we grieve our precious baby boy.

Little Hats

2009-05-12T16:00:00.003-06:00

Little gifts of sweetness sit in the palm of my hand, waiting to grace the body of our tiny infant child. They are little hats, made for little people. They are so small I have a hard time believing that our baby will wear one of them.

Another gift, two soft white blankets wait to envelope our baby with warmth and care. They are knit together with love by two sisters. They are beautifully done and the perfect size for our baby.

We continue to wait. Nothing major has happened. I saw my doctor this morning and have been given the first round of medicine to help my body get moving. I am praying for things to happen quickly and soon. I am praying that we will be able to hold and name our baby. I am grateful that this child will be laid to rest next to Molly, where we can visit them both. I am thankful for my loving husband, who holds me while I cry, tenderly rubbing my back or smoothing my hair. All the while, speaking words of love and praying over us during this time.

We will continue to let you know via this blog how things are going as they progress. More than likely nothing new will happen until tomorrow or possibly even later. There's just no way of knowing how soon things will move forward. So as you wait to hear the news that our baby has been born, please continue to lift us up in prayer as we also wait.

Thank you all.

In the days to come

2009-05-11T15:02:00.004-06:00

Having been through grief so recently (or rather still in it) I have the hindsight of knowing what was helpful and what was not. As we begin anew this journey of sorrow and sadness I thought it would be helpful to share a few things that Jake and I have learned from our experiences in grief.

Before I share those things I do want to say that I believe each of our friends and family, and even strangers in Christ, have well meaning hearts and just want to help when they offer advice or stories or verses to us. In response, I have an opportunity to extend grace to those who say the "wrong" thing, just like I want grace from others when I say something "wrong". We are grateful that so many people are close to us through prayers and encouraging words and we appreciate your hearts in wanting to help us in this time of great loss.

The question we are asked most often is, "What can I/we do for you? How can we help you?"

To put it plainly, you can't do anything. Really you can't do anything that will take away the immensity of our pain and sorrow. Only Go can bring back our babies and give us that joy. So, I would encourage you to be ok with your helplessness. We don't expect anyone to arrive at our doorstep and make everything better.

So what can be done to help?

1. You can help by praying for us, fervently, for an easy labor and delivery process. That God would be gracious to me in those moments and spare me pain upon pain by allowing our baby to come quickly and with ease. You can sit with us after this is over and just listen. You can cry with us or for us. Tears were such a gift when Molly died and I know they will be a gift this time as well. You can pray specific scripture for us. All these things are good and helpful. Prayer might feel powerless to you, but we feel the blessing of those prayers and they are incredibly powerful.

2. Engage us in our pain. Ask us how we're feeling about losing a second child. If you've never lost a child before, ask us about it. We love to talk about our children and it makes our hearts glad when others ask about our kids.

3. I wrote in a post back a few months about the Hebrew custom: "sitting shiva". It means to sit with those who are mourning and just be with them. Don't feel pressured to fix our pain, just BE. Listen if we want to talk. Offer advice if we ask for it. Let us cry if we want to. Give us space if we need it. Just BE with us. And if the silence is too much, then pray for us as we sit quietly.

What should you not do or say?

1. In order to protect our hearts and minds, please do not share stories upon stories of others who have gone through hurt and pain. This world is full of sad stories like ours and even stories that would be so much harder than what we are going through. And while we are saddened by those stories, they are not helpful right now or anytime soon. It feels as if our pain should be less because of how hard it was for so and so. So please help protect our hearts by not sharing about someone else's loss.

There are some who've had personal experience in this area and who have shared bits of advice for our journey. That is helpful and wanted. Please do not feel as if I do not want to connect with other moms in this unwanted club.

2. Another thing that I have found difficult is trying to distract myself with empty things, such as shopping, playing board games, hiking, laughing with friends, and even baking which I love. Things that were once enjoyed now feel trite and empty. The best thing to do is think about what you are asking us to do and when before you ask it. While Jacob might thrive in certain activities, I might not. It's best to just think it through first. What is helpful to you in times of sadness might not be helpful to me.

3. While we encourage you to pray specific scriptures for us, please do not try to teach us or instruct us about how good God is and how He works all things for the good. Neither of us are going to lose our faith over this. We know ALL of those verses and believe them, still. But sometimes verses can be spoken as if they were a magic wand. God will heal us in time, but it won't be overnight and it won't happen through a verse or two.

Thank you for sharing our grief with us as we walk this road once again. We desire to be more like Christ through our pain and sorrow. We want God to do good things as a result of Molly and our second baby's death. We are so grateful for the body of Christ as you have brilliantly rallied around us a second time. We feel the prayers of so many and we know that we are not alone.

Update and a few praises

2009-05-08T11:58:00.003-06:00

How could we possibly have something to praise God about in the middle of losing our second child? How could I find purpose in the details of preparing our baby's body for burial? Why aren't we utterly furious with God and His plan so far for us?

We are angry. We have and will continue to cry out in pain. We hurt beyond imagination. We ache for our babies. We cry out for them. We feel as if our hearts are being ripped to shreds. We feel utterly defeated and set back.

And, in the middle of our pain and in the quiet moments of grace given to us by God, we are able to seek Him and we have found comfort in His presence. He weeps with us, even now. This was not His plan for our lives, but because of sin, I believe that He has allowed it to happen. And we both pray that we will understand God's purpose and plan for us in giving us this pain twice.

There's a verse we're using in Molly's book that clearly explains WHY we run to our Lord and Maker. Where else would we turn but to God? For there is none like Him and none that can heal our hearts like He will.

John 6:68 "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

Update:
Unless my body starts the process on its own, here is our plan for having this baby and saying our good byes.

Tuesday morning at 9:30 I have an appointment at the doctors office where they will get the process started. I will go back home and then check into the hospital later that evening where they will begin giving me some meds to keep things moving.

Here are the praises:

1. My mom will be here for the entire process. She wasn't able to be here for Molly's birth so I am extra thankful that she can be here for this.

2. Our dear friend and photographer, Heather Lilly, who took such amazing and beautiful pictures of Molly, has agreed to be with us at the hospital to take some pictures of our baby before we say good bye. She said it would be an honor for her. Apparently God has put us on her heart a lot over the past few weeks and I have no doubt it was to prepare her for this.

3. I called the cemetery where Molly is buried and spoke with the woman who helped us with Molly's marker and everything. I asked if we could have this baby buried in the same plot with Molly so that they could be together. She granted my request before I was even finished asking it. I am overjoyed that we will be able to bury our baby. Plus, what better place for this baby to be laid to rest than next to his/her older sister.

We are so grateful for these things in the midst of our heartache. It seems a tiny bit easier to bear since we are able to have some semblance of parenthood with this child.

We thank each of you for praying for us so fervently. We continue to need those prayers as we prepare for labor and delivery and then having our final moments. We are also still praying for a name for this baby and a verse as we give our child back to the Lord. Also, please pray for me as Mother's Day approaches. It is so hard celebrating this day in the midst of grief. I know I am a mother, through and through. But this is not the sort of mom I want to be, not at all. I want what I can't have and I ache for who we've lost.

Updates and our video at church

2009-05-07T10:05:00.005-06:00

I just wanted to update everyone on how our second appointment went yesterday. The second ultrasound confirmed the first that our little one has gone on to be with his/her big sister. We are incredibly saddened and our hearts are breaking.

Please lift us up in prayer for these things:

1. That we would be given grace to walk through delivering our baby, sooner rather than later.
2. That we would be able to hold our baby and grieve his/her passing.
3. Our hearts, that God would hold us tightly as we mourn and grieve deeply.
4. Jake and I and our marriage. That we would cling to each other and lean on one another for help and comfort.
5. That God would give us a name for our baby, that we may have the privilege of giving our precious child a name.

Thank YOU, all of you who read my blog or keep up with us on Facebook. We are eternally grateful for your prayers and dedication as a body of believers. We are continually surprised at how quickly people have comforted us with prayers. Thank you so much.

Also, as I mentioned last week, Jake and I had the privilege of sharing our story about Molly at our church through a video. I have been checking the website all week and the video of that service is finally up. It's the Waste Management Series on Wasted Pain by Jim Burgen May 2-3. You can click HERE to watch it. May it bless you as our precious Molly has blessed us.

Safe in the arms of Jesus

2009-05-06T13:38:00.002-06:00

It is with such heavy hearts that I write these words. We found out earlier today that our baby has gone on to Heaven, sometime a few weeks ago. Our baby is gone. Our baby is gone. Gone. We won't be bringing home a little one from the hospital in October. We won't be celebrating Thanksgiving by passing around a cooing infant. Christmas will be disappointing, yet again. Our sweet nursery will continue to remain empty and our arms ache yet again to hold and comfort our babies. Molly's doorway will mean more to us as we mourn another baby.

We go back for another ultrasound at 3 today to confirm that our baby really is gone. After that we are faced with such decisions as to do a D&C or to go through an induced labor and deliver our baby as we did Molly. Pray for us as we sort through the pros and cons and make a decision we don't want to make.

There will be tests run and things done to determine the cause of death as well as the gender of our precious one. We will name our baby and mourn him or her as we mourn Molly. Pray that we will be able to see our baby and mourn him or her for a few moments in our care.

"With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall." Psalm 18:29

Psalm 23.. especially verse 4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Psalm 27:13-14 "I am STILL confident of this: I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. [We WILL] Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

And so we wait. We wait yet again for the Lord to reveal His plan and goodness to us in the land of the living and in the valley of the shadow of death. Our sweet Molly has ushered her baby brother or sister into the presence of the Almighty God. I am so glad they are together and so grieved that we have been given this cup, yet again.

Pray for us.